As discussed in
my previous post, the FA Cup is on tomorrow, and that's important news for us all: because we're sad bastards. Why else would I be writing this on a Friday night?
To kick things off, I'll give you a brief history of the FA Cup. The prestigious competition was founded in 2011, after Prince William, the President of England's football association, noticed his soon-to-be sister-in-law boasted an important asset he had failed to spot when originally choosing his bride. So taken was he by Pippa Middleton's behind that he decided to name a tournament after it. Thus, the Fantastic Arse Cup was born.
In its short lifespan, 4 teams have been crowned FA Cup champions: Luton Town, Dagenham and Redbridge, Gary Neville's Valencia and Sam Allardyce. The observant among you will note that not a single Premier League team has lifted the arse-shaped trophy - a curse that may well be broken this year.
Over the next 3 days there are 11 Premier League teams vying for a spot in the FA Cup quarter finals. Here's what you need to know:
Arsenal v Hull If there's one thing we know about Arsene Wenger, it's that he is sexually aroused by the Fantastic Arse Cup. Part of this is due to the fact that the Frenchman thought it had been named after him after he misheard Prince William during a press conference. Indeed, rumour has it that his old, crispy semen still glazes the bottom of the trophy's goblet after a steamy night of love-making. Pattrick Vierra claims he still has the footage somewhere on his old iPhone.
With all that being said, the Arses face Barcelona this coming Tuesday, so there's a good chance the likes of Ozil, Dirty Sanchez and the Gorgeous One will be rested. Walcott owners might want to keep their eye on the match, but anyone who actually owns a decent, reliable Arsenal player can probably sleep easy tonight.
Reading v West Brom West Brom have no prospects in the Premier League - the most they can hope for is a cheeky Europa League spot for fair play. As such, I think professional cap-wearer Tony Penis will be keen to progress in this tournament.
The only FPL manager who owns a West Brom forward is Berahino's Mum, Sandra Berahino. Despite that, 114% of you own at least 3 West Brom defenders. Fear not - luckily for Barcelona, West Brom aren't playing them next week, and any defender who plays in this fixture will have a whole week to recover before their PL Crystal Phallus tie.
Watford v Leeds Watford's boss, Quiche Sanchez Flores, has stated that the Premier League is his biggest concern ahead of tomorrow's game against Leeds. The egg-based manager may well rest Odion Ighalo and Drake Deeney, particularly after it was announced that Leeds' new signing, an actual Rhino from Mozambique, is expected to make his debut for his new club. The thick-skinned centre-back made an impression on Leeds manager Steve Evans, who said "Rhino is a pacey addition to our back-line, who literally impaled our third-choice goalkeeper in training last week. He's a real talent."
Depending on what happens in the match, there's a chance Watford's 1st team strike force may be called upon, so pay close attention and remember, don't make any transfers yet.
Bournemouth v Everton The first all-PL clash of the weekend is Saturday's evening kick-off, and if you're not watching this one like Giroud watches his own reflection then you might as well throw in the towel now. Eddie How? has so far rotated his squad during FA cup games more then Jeremy Corbyn has rotated his shadow cabinet, so there's a good chance Daniels and Francis will be rested. That's half of your back four you don't have to worry about.
Remember, Everton have fucked us all in our not-so-fantastic arses next week by not having a game, so whilst I would usually expect Roberto to rest the likes of Lukaku and Boss Rarkley, there's a chance he'll involve them. One thing to bare in mind: John Stones has returned back from an extended visit to the US to promote his new Marijuana and Hemp product line, John Stoned. Expect defensive gaffs and Bournemouth goals.
Blackburn v West Ham George Michael will almost definitely make his debut for WHAM on Sunday's visit to the most racist team in the UK, Blackburn. The young, promising forward said "last Christmas I gave my all to the wrong team, but I won't make that mistake again. There are skeptics, but you've gotta have faith in me. I've been hanging on like a yo-yo for far too long, jittering to get on the pitch. I'm your man."
Enner Valencia is mingered, but the other West Ham players you care about might well be starting after Shaven Bilic promised a full-strength team. Which is just unfair, really.
Tottenham v Crystal Phallus Michel Worm will wriggle his way into the starting line-up this Sunday in the weekend's second all-PL FA cup clash.
Harry Kane is a definite "no" for this fixture after betting shops have made him favourite to win the 15:20 at Newmarket on Sunday. Tottenham have a lot of fixtures, what with the Europa Pub League next week, and whilst I know they have a love-affair with the FA Cup that could rival Arsene Wenger's, it's unlikely Pochettino will start his key players.
Listen, I know you went through the Cabaye phase, because I saw you at the Cabaye Owners Anonymous meeting last week, where you had a break down and we all had to tell you something we liked about you. There's no shame, we've all been there. But let's face the facts; Dann is the only player you own that plays for Crystal Phallus now, and he's probably going to play tomorrow. I'll see you at the Dann Owners Anonymous meeting after he gets injured for the rest of the season.
Chelsea v Man City "This one looks tasty" said a twat.
No it doesn't. It looks like an FPL disaster waiting to happen. Be wary of this game. Don't make any sudden movements, and if it runs towards you, play dead.
Luckily, Aguero is almost definitely not going to start, especially given Man Shitty's Champions League fixture next week. Manuel Peregrin-took has hinted at fielding a younger team, which means Adam Johnson has to remain 100 yards away from Stamford Bridge on Sunday.
Guuuuuuuus Hiddink has claimed he cares about the FA Cup, but that's only really since Chelsea's hopes of a top 4 place in the PL have diminished. At the end of the day, they're probably going out of the Champions League next week, and the chances of them doing anything special in the Premier League still look slim. They're going to want to beat Man City tomorrow, so I would keep a beady eye on their starting 11.
Shrewsbury v Man Utd Shrewsbury will win and Anthony Martian will make contact with his homeland, Planet Potential, a small, green planet 7 million light years away. He'll be zapped up by a spaceship that looks suspiciously like Chairman Mao, only to be found playing for Guangzhou Evergrande 2 seasons later. Don't bring him in yet.
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