I moved into a new apartment, and from a huge bedroom to a small. I have a queen-sized bed (152x203 cm for non-Americans), and have been looking at all sorts of DIY storage hack solutions. While the ones that most appeal to me are the ones made out of kitchen cabinets, such as this classic, I really want drawers, and that makes this sort of thing cost prohibitive.
So I'm leaning towards using the Nordli or Kullen--they both fit queen-sized beds really well.
BUT my bedroom is so small that I am going to have to put it in the corner (i.e., with only two sides showing). What's more, even with it in the corner, I'm concerned that the dresser drawers from the units might not open and close entirely, or at least so that I would have easy access to my clothes (depending on whether I put the dressers entirely under the bed or had them protruding out, as in the model above). My room is only 98" wide, and I have an additional 7" or so of radiator along about 2' of the wall on the other side (if I set it longways parallel to the narrow wall; putting it perpendicular to the wall would be out of the question: 11"--unless I didn't want storage at the foot of the bed).
So I'm facing a mere 30" clearance between the facing wall and the bed under the most optimal of circumstances (not counting whatever I need to design to brace it against the wall).
And so how far the drawers actually slide out factors into which model I pick. My understanding is that the Kullen is 15.75" deep, and the Nordli is 18.5" deep. I would prefer the Nordli (Kullen only comes in brown and I'd have to paint it, and I WOULD like more drawer space).
But do the Nordli drawers come a full 18" or so out of the unit? I can't find a clear answer on the Ikea webpage, nor on any of the various hacks that use Nordli. Does anyone have a set that he/she could measure :) ? Really coming up against it if I want to set it out a bit to have more of a "platform" look as opposed to just sticking them totally under the bed.
Thanks much!

--Azur Main--
--Iron Blood Dorm--
--Noon--
“So Seydlitz, how do you like Azur Main so far?” Hipper asks Wesser as they walk towards her and Eugen's shared room.
Wesser nods. “It is quite a nice base compared to back home. The Flying Fortress, Azur Germany, is more of a military stronghold compared to this piece of paradise.”
“Ja.” Hipper smiles. “The Commander here made sure we are comfortable with our living spaces, so we get to design our own dormitories. Being Iron Blood, we had to have a brewery here. It is very helpful and profitable.”
“I bet.” They both enter the room and Wesser could tell the stark contrast between her sisters' halves. On the left side was neat, organized, clean. That was Hipper’s side. The right side was unorganized with loose pieces of clothing and empty mugs, cans, and bottles across the floor. That was Eugen’s side. Hipper sighs heavily and begins picking up her sister’s trash, while Wesser looks at her sister’s desk. On Hipper’s desk was an unpainted B-25 Mitchell Bomber 1/32 scale plastic model. The bomber plane model was neatly constructed with the mold lines cleanly shaved.
“Lovely model plane, Hipper.” Wesser compliments her sister’s work. “I remember watching your live streams making this with Bataan and I-13 with Mikasa reading chat.”
Hipper confidently smiles as she puts down the trash bag. “Hehe! Thank you Seydlitz! And a few days from now I get to paint it!” She smiles, proud of her hobby. “It took so long to find a historically accurate model of this bomber. So many websites visited, but I found this beauty.” Wesser leans in to touch it, but Hipper stops her. “Don’t! It is pretty fragile!”
“Oh, sorry.” She backs away as the blonde cruiser relaxes.
“Sorry about that.” She apologizes to the light carrier. “I get a bit worried when anyone other than Bataan, I-13, Mikasa, or myself, handle my model planes.”
“It is fine.” The redhead carrier shakes it off. “I understand. You are living with Eugen.”
“Yeah…” Hipper groans.
“Hayello!” Walking into the room was the energetic Prinz Heinrich, carrying an intoxicated Prinz Eugen. The long white hair P-Class cruiser smiles as she enters. Hipper looked annoyed as Eugen looked up at her, her face plastered with breath smelling like alcohol.
“Hallo, my flat sister.” Eugen teases.
Steam blew out of Hipper’s ear. “DID YOU SERIOUSLY HAD A BEER AT THIS TIME OF DAY!?!”
“Well, I was showing Heinrich around and we had a few at the Iron Pub.” Eugen giggles as she stands on her own. Heinrich rocks back and forth, still full of energy. “And we are on a vacation of sorts. So lighten up or else you won’t grow.”
“WILL YOU SHUT UP ABOUT MY CHEST!?” Hipper lets out, her anger bursting from her small stature.
“Eugen.” Wesser gets between them. “Please don't fight.”
“Hehehe,” Eugen wraps an arm around her light carrier sister. “Okay fine, Seydlitz.” Wesser could smell the beer from her breath.
“Heinrich, how much beer did you guys drink?” Wesser asked her.
“Ummm,” Heinrich starts to count with her fingers. “About maybe thirty pints or something like that.” Hipper facepalms as Wesser lets out a heavy sigh.
Eugen delightfully giggles. “You know it is not a vacation without some alcohol~” She starts to stumble, pushing Wesser and herself into Hipper’s desk. As she bumps the desk, the B-25 Bomber model starts to wobble before falling. Time slows down for Hipper as she despairingly watches as the model falls from the desk and hits the floor, shattering into pieces. Wesser looks down at the model and then to Hipper, while Eugen just hiccups.
“Whoopsie,” Eugen says with a somewhat drunken smirk. “Sorry about that Hipper.” Heinrich notices Hipper balls up her fist. She reaches into the trash bag of empty beer bottles and takes one out.
“YOU FUCKING HARLOT!!!!!!!!” Before anyone could react, Eugen is hit square in the head with an empty beer bottle by Hipper. Tears stream down her cheeks as the glass bottle shatters on impact. Blood starts to drip from Eugen’s head as Heinrich runs over to restrain the furious sister. “YOU DISGRACEFUL PIECE OF SHIT SISTER! FOR COUNTLESS DAYS, I DRAGGED YOUR FUCKING ASS BACK FROM THE BAR WHEN YOU WERE BLACKOUT DRUNK! EVERY TIME FOR DORM INSPECTIONS I CLEAN YOUR TRASH HEAP OF A ROOM! I MADE SURE YOUR CLOTH ARE CLEAN! BED MADE! YOUR FUCKING EMPTY BEER BOTTLES AND TANKARDS AND MUGS THROW OR CLEANED! I HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR BULLSHIT! YOUR TEASING! YOUR MESSES!”
“Hipper, calm down!” Heinrich tells her, but the Admiral is not backing now. She continued to berate the stun silence Eugen as Wesser took her to get medical attention.
The last thing Eugen heard as she left Hipper was: “I AM LEAVING YOU!!”
---
--Medical Faculty--
--Afternoon--
“And there. That should heal in about a day or two.” Dr. Comfort informs Eugen as she finishes removing the glass shards from her head. Wesser watches from the side, seeing Eugen smile and nods along to the Doctor’s orders. Before long, Eugen walks out of the room, her face nonchalant as it were.
“Eugen.” Wesser catches up to her. “Eugen. Eugen. Schwester!”
“Was?” Eugen turns to her, her hands behind her head.
“Schwester, are you okay?”
“I am fine, Seydlitz.”
“But Hipper seems genuinely upset by your… carelessness.”
Eugen shrugs, seemingly not caring about the situation. “It is Hipper. Always keeping her emotions bottled up. I am sure when I return back to the room, it will be back to normal.” Before Wesser could say a thing, Eugen strides forth out the door.
The light carrier sighs, rubbing her forehead. “I doubt so.”
--
As Eugen returns to her room, she sees that something was off. On Hipper’s side, everything was gone, like her sister’s belongings. Her model planes, her aviation books, her laptop, her small flower pot, even her pink cute flower pillow; everything her sister own was gone! The only thing left on her side was the broken model of the B-25 sitting on her desk. Eugen sighs and lays on her messy bed.
“Back to normal?” Eugen looks up to see Wesser, leaning against the door frame. “Heard from Heinrich that Hipper grabbed her belongings and went to the Royal Navy Dorm. Said that she will be staying with Grenville and Glowworm.”
Eugen waved it off. “Whatever. Sooner or later Hipper will come back.”
“I don’t know Eugen. I think you broke her patience with you.” Wesser tells her. “Heinrich said that she had tears running down her face as she stormed off towards the Royal’s housing.”
“As I said, she will be back,” Eugen repeats as she lays in bed. “I am going to take a nap. See you at dinner, Seydlitz.” The heavy cruiser pulls up the blanket and lays her head on the pillow. Wesser rolls her eyes and closes the door.
--Sometime later--
“Argh~~” Eugen yawns as she wakes up from her nap. “Wie spät ist es? [A/T: What time is it?]” She sits up, stretching her arms up.
“A bit after nine pm.” Someone tells her.
“Hmmm?” She stops her stretch and turns to see the Commander, sitting on Hipper’s old bed, with a plate of food on the nightstands.
He smiles at her. “Good nap, Eugen?”
“Yeah.” She sighs. Knowing him, he probably knows what happened with her and Hipper earlier today. “My dinner?” She points to the plate.
“Yeah,” He hands it to her. She digs it and before long, the food was gone. After the meal, the Commander begins his talk. “Prinz Eugen, I heard from Wesser and Heinrich about what happened early in the day with Hipper.”
Eugen knowing shrugs, brushing it off. “It is Hipper. She will be returning back to this room in a day or two.”
“Eugen,” The Commander says with a look of concern. “Don’t brush this off, please. You should at least genuinely apologize to her for destroying her model. You may think this is not a big deal, but given how much Hipper gave time to drag from being drunk and other messes, it is the least you can do.”
“It will be fine,” Again, Eugen shrugs it off.
The Commander sighs. “Prinz Eugen. Please don’t be nonchalant about this. You may be a good tactician and fighter on the sea, but on base, you just hang out the bar, flirt and tease others, get into fights with Wales, a lot of things with either Hipper, Bismarck, Tirpitz, or me having to step in. I don’t like it. They don’t like it. Eugen, please, just fix the mistakes with your sister.” He looks at her with concern, yet stern eyes. It may work with some shipgirls, but for Eugen, it doesn’t work. She just smiles and nods.
“I’ll try tomorrow morning.” Eugen offered as she stood up. “I will see you later, Kommandant. Night.” Before the Commander could ask where she was going or confirm that she would do it, she leaves and heads to the pub to serve herself a pint or two.
--The Next Day--
“Alright, time to begin some light exercise,” Tirpitz says over the crowd of transfers. “I, Tirpitz of the Iron Blood will be leading these exercises as the Kommandant has fallen a bit ill as of late. There will be a few targets out in the bay. Calibrate your dummy rounds for all ranges, hit your targets, then you are dismissed for the day. Questions?” No hands or comments. “Get started.” As the crowd starts to disburse, Bataan and I-13 run over to Hipper.
“Hipper!” Bataan calls to the Iron Blood cruiser. “Are you ready for the model stream this weekend? I cannot wait to paint that B-25!”
“Yup!” I-13 smiles as they activate their riggings and head to a dummy. Hipper, still angry for what happened yesterday, unleashed her full firepower, annihilating the dummy ship. Both Bataan and I-13 watch as Hipper lets out several breaths.
“Everything all right, Hipper?” The aviation sub asked her.
Hipper turns to her friends and just sighs, her fists clenched. “Tell Mikasa that we have to reschedule that stream… the B-25 Bomber model… has to be repaired.”
“HUH?!/WHAT!?” Both Bataan and I-13 yell in unison. “WHAT HAPPENED?!!”
“My blood Schwester! THAT WAS [A/T: What in german]!”
---
As that was happening, on the shore, Belfast approached Tirpitz.
“Greeting, Lady Tirpitz.” The maid bows.
“Hallo Belfast,” Tirpitz nods. “How is the Kommandant?”
“Master is okay at the moment.” Belfast sighs. “But we don’t know what has happened to him to cause his ailments.”
“Time will tell.” The white queen of the north states.
“Yes, it will.” Belfast nods. “But the Master gave me some orders for you.”
“It is about Eugen and Hipper?” Tirpitz knowingly asked.
“Yes.” The maid looks at the exercise. “Where is Eugen?”
“I know where she is,” Tirpitz begins to walk towards the Iron Pub. “Belfast, could please cover me for the training exercise?”
“Of course.” Belfast bows as Iron Blood battleship strides to the Pub. Entering the faculty, she sees the white-hair heavy cruiser slump on the bar with a half-drunken tankard of beer in her hand.
“Mein gott.” Tirpitz shakes her head. “Prinz Eugen…” She summons her flag and using the butt of the pole, she pokes her side.
“Urgh…” Eugen’s eyes flicker open as she is being probed. “Was?”
“Eugen, you are late for training,” Tirpitz says to her.
“It is vacation time, Tirpitz. Ah mein head.” Eugen moans as the battleship grabs her by the collar and drags her to the training grounds. As they approach, most of the shipgirls at training have gone off to enjoy some time off, leaving only Tirpitz, Eugen, and Belfast. As they approach the water, the pair of shipgirls walk past by Hipper, Bataan, and I-13. Hipper turned her head away, pouting, as Bataan and I-13 shot daggers at the hungover Eugen as they walked away.
“What their deal?” Eugen wonders as Tirpitz leads her to a target dummy.
“Eugen, just fire at the targets.” Tirpitz orders. Eugen nods and summons her rigging. She hits the target easily, even hungover she still is a good shot. As they continued running the course, Eugen could feel the Queen of the North staring at her.
“Tirpitz,” Eugen confronted her. “Something on your mind?”
Tirpitz takes a breath before speaking to her. “Eugen. It has come to my attention that both you and Hipper, had… a disagreement. A terrible one in fact.”
Eugen pouts as she finishes the last target. “Well, that is putting it lightly. I just accidentally broke one of her model planes, that was it.”
“That was it?” The battleship rubs her forehead. “From talking to Hipper, it seems you broke your sister’s patience and love! The teasing, the drinking, even cleaning! Prinz Eugen, please try to make amends with your sister.”
Now this, was making Eugen annoyed. She strides up to the battleship, arms crossed. “First the Kommandant, and now you? If Hipper mad at me, fine. She always has a pole up her ass anyway.”
“Eugen!!” The battleship was astonished by the comment as the heavy cruiser went back to the dock. “I am not done with you!!!”
“Ja. Ja.” Eugen waved it off as she got back on dry land. She then heads back to the Iron Blood dormitory.
Tirpitz returns to the dock, where Belfast awaits her. “Sorry, but Eugen is a…. well, a harlot.”
Belfast nods. “I understand. From what Wales complains about during afternoon tea time, Eugen finds her own way to do her own things.”
“Ja.” Tirpitz takes off her cap and stretches her head. “I wish that Prinz Eugen knew the value of having a sister at her side. Bismarck, even though we didn’t have quality time together before the Initiative, we are regaining it now. I understand the Kommandant does not want Eugen to lose that family connection, but I cannot fix this sister problem.”
“Excuse, but I think I can be of some assistance.” Both the maid and queen of the north turn to see the 206 cm tall (~6ft 9) Iron Matriarch towering before them.
“Miss FdG/Friedrich.” Both of them say as the PR ship smiles.
“I think I know how to get Prinz Eugen to understand the importance of a healthy relationship with her sister.” FdG smiles. “May I?”
“Of course.” Tirpitz nods.
---
The next two days saw Eugen become more… restless. More booze bottles lay on the floor with her bedding tossed around. Loose cloth scatters in the room. Eugen has also run late for patrols, gatherings, and other important stuff. It was a bit frustrating because Hipper would force her in line for important dates… that scene still ran through her head when her older sister had enough of her bullshit. The tears in her eyes when she hit her… Eugen wanted to say sorry; however, her pride and own stubbornness stopped her and her teasing side went into auto-pilot to cope with this drama. Either way, to Eugen, there was nothing to fix this sister relationship.
As she lay in her dirty bed, a knock came at her door. “Ja?” Eugen lifts her head up.
“It is Roon, Eugen.” She hears from behind the door. “FdG, would like you to come to her room.”
“Great, the matriarch has gotten involved now,” Eugen whispered to herself. Knowing her luck, she will probably be disciplined by FdG for her behavior. The wrath of her hairbrush has stuck many Shipgirls bottoms. From the mighty Bismarck to the bombardment messenger Victorious. Even Gangut, those that was an accident because the PR ship thought it was Zeppelin being drunk. Regardless, Eugen knew this day would come. Her uncleanliness, her teasing, her luck simply ran out.
“Eugen?” Roon says from behind the door. “Will you be going to FdG’s room?”
Eugen shakes herself and quickly changes into uniform. Smells a bit funny, but it was better than making the matriarch wait. “Ja.” She opens the door and Roon stands there with a kind smile.
“Alright, follow me please.” Roon escorts her to the room. After a few minutes walking in silence, they arrive. Roon opens the door and ushers her in. Once Eugen was inside, the door closed behind her. Even though Iron Blood shipgirls are trained to show no fear… Eugen could not help but quake being inside the Iron Matriarch's bedroom. The room was grand. A canopy bed made of dark wood, covered in the finest fabrics. The wooden flooring polish. Several instruments hang on the walls. A grand piano sits in her chamber as well! The most prominent piece in FdG’s room was the fireplace. A brick fireplace that FdG personally requested when she made her room in the dorm. Each brick picked and placed by herself. And hanging above it was a painted picture of her sister ships: SMS Kaiser, SMS Kaiserin, SMS König Albert, SMS Prinzregent Luitpol, and herself, before their ‘retirement’.
“Prinz Eugen, my dear child.” Eugen feels a chill down her back as she turns to the fireplace and sees FdG sitting in a rocker, in front of the fireplace, brushing her hair. The Iron Matriarch smiles at her. “Please my dear child, you must be cold. Come! The fire is nice and toasted.” Eugen bits her lower lips as she approaches. “Come my dear child.” FdG pats her lap. The heavy cruiser silently obeys and sits in her lap. She was like a child in their mother’s lap. FdG smiles, pulling her into a small hug. Eugen was trapped within the Matriarch's grasp. No escape now. “Prinz Eugen, my dear child, you do not need to worry. I do not ask you here to punish you.”
Eugen lets out a sigh of relief. “Then why ask for me?”
“I want to tell you a story.” FdG begins to rock the chair as she looks up at the painting of her sisters. “You know about my schwester, Kaiser?”
“Ja, the old leader of the Iron Blood during the first global war before Bismarck.” Eugen nods. “A strong, tactical genius. Her leadership was second to done.”
Ja.” FdG smiles “Even during those trying times, Kaiser was like a mother to us… a strict one but loved us. She would teach us many things during our small time together like music and history. She loved music, always played Symphony No.9 whenever she could. Either by playing it on the violin, horn, or whatever she musters at the time. Back then, I always teased her about her musical taste. I gave her a hard time back then.” Eugen felt the PR ship’s hand on her head. “I was a bit like you back then.”
Eugen raised an eyebrow. “You? The Iron Matriarch was like me? I doubt that.” Must be a joke.
“Oh dear Eugen, I am not joking.” FdG giggled. “I always gave my sisters a hard time. I would tease them, especially Kaiser about her chest size. Always call her a Waschbrett or Kaiser Waschbrett. Every time I called her that, steam would come out of her like a steam whistle.”
The heavy cruiser stifles a laugh as she looks up at the painting of the sisters. They were all lovely ladies, but FdG had a pretty big size bust compared to the rest and Kaiser had a 180-degree plane chest, the smallest out of the bunch.
“So many flat nicknames and so many chases… Kaiser, meine schwester.” FdG continues with tears forming in her eyes. “Even though my teasing and being a hardass, Kaiser loved me. The countless times I complained to her about the littlest things, she always listened with care. When we were about to be ‘retired’, the biggest lie in my life, it was… unpleasant.” Tears streamed down her cheeks as she continued to recall that event. “My sisters accepted fate, but I could not. For days leading up to it, I cried and rocked in bed, skipping meals and just… being miserable. I started to blame myself and my sister for our fate. Only when Kaiser sat me down and said: ‘Friedrich, please, don’t cry. It is not our fault or anyone for the fate we have been given. We have to accept death at some point… and also meine schwester, I am sorry for the many scolding I gave you and forgive you for the many Waschbrett jokes.’ I asked her why forgive me for the names. She said that she does not want to die regretting not forgiving someone who wrongs them. That night showed me that it is better to forgive and apologize to those close to you for the bad you caused them. Kaiser always remarks to Kaiserin about my tormenting name-calling and jokes but forgives me for them to keep our sisterly bond. What I am alluding to Eugen… fix your wrongs with Hipper. I don’t want you to regret not apologizing to her before one of you is gone.”
Eugen silently nods as they both rock. Eugen leaned in closer to FdG, holding her as she had tears now in her eyes. “Friedrich… is it too late to apologize to her?” she asked her. “To apologize to Hipper?”
“Nothing is too late, child,” FdG assured her. “But a simple apology won’t be enough to mend your relationship with her. You must do something that shows you truly mean it.”
“Yeah… I will think about it.” Eugen sniffles as she cuddles more into FdG’s lap.
The Iron Matriarch smiles as she holds. “Take as much time as you need, my child. Take as much time as you need.”
--Late Evening--
Eugen sat on her bed, thinking about how to mend her relationship with her sister. First, she cleaned her room, removing all the empty tankards and pint glasses, empty alcohol bottles, and trash. She washed her dirty clothes and neatly folded them. She replaced the sheets and pillows, everything was organized, but the thought of how to apologize to Hipper.
“How will I do it?” She asked herself as she lays in bed. “How will I?” She scratched her head. “Argh.” She tossed and turned, restless. “How will I-” She stops and looks towards Hipper’s desk, seeing the destroyer B-25 bomber plane model. “She did say she Livestream with Mikasa…”
--The Next Day--
--Command HQ--
--Mikasa’s Model/Streaming Room--
--Before Noon--
“Ahhh…” Mikasa groans as she sets up for her model Livestream. “What am I going to do? Hipper painting the B-25 bomber plane was the main thing for this week's stream. What am I going to do to replace this?”
As she said that, she hears a knock at the door. Mikasa’s Model room was divided into two rooms: the display room with all the model warships and warplanes, and the streaming/construction room, where the model is made and painted and streamed to the internet. Opening the door to the streaming room, she is greeted with Prinz Eugen.
“Hallo, Mikasa.” Eugen smiles as Mikasa returns the greeting.
“Hello, Eugen, what brings you to my model studio?”
Eugen sighs. “Well…”
--Royal Navy Dorm--
Hipper sits at the desk as she plays on a simulation game, controlling and piloting a B-25 bomber. After moving out of her room, Grenville and Glowworm gladly accepted her into their room. Even though they were… hyperactive; Hipper respected them and cared for them as the two kindly looked up to her.
“Hey Hipper,” Glowworm hums as she forcibly tosses herself onto the cruiser’s lap. “Whatcha doing?”
“Ompoh!!” Hipper cough, the air force out of her lungs as Glowworm hits… like a warship. This abruptly caused Hipper to steer the bomber into the ground, ending the simulation.
“Argh,” Hipper sighs as she pats the destroyer on the head. “A warning next time, Glowworm. I swear your head is able to go through a ship’s hull.”
Glowworm giggles. “Sorry, Hipper.”
“It’s fine.” Hipper restarts the game. “I can’t get that mad at you.”
“Ahhhh~” Glowworm smiles as she watches her play.
“HIPPER!!” The cruiser and the destroyer jump, the bomber crashing again, as the door flies open with Grenville, Bataan, and I-13 running in.
“WHAT?!” Hipper yelled, quite annoyed with these interruptions.
“Turn on the stream!” Bataan exclaims. “Turn on the stream!”
Turning off her game, Hipper brings up the stream.
“Hello my fellow model builders!” Mikasa said with a smile in the studio. “We got a special stream for you tonight!”
“Probably going to be building a new ship today.” Hipper thought since she had to pull the B-25 painting for a later date.
“As you know, today was supposed to be Hipper painting her B-25 Mitchell Bomber model plane; however…”
“Let me.”
Hipper’s heart dropped to her toes as the camera shifted to Prinz Eugen, her sister, in the studio.
“HUHHHHHHH!!?!?!?!?!!?!?” Hipper screamed.
--Mikasa Model/Stream Room--
This… was a bit nerve-wracking. That was the thought running through Eugen’s head. Seeing the chat scroll-like torpedoes when she came on air and Mikasa sitting next to her, helping her… it was overwhelming.
“Hallo, everyone.” Eugen waved at the camera. “I am Prinz Eugen. And the younger sister of Hipper.” She saw the chat explode with excitement, some saying she was a beautiful and stunning and what not.
“Yes, we have a special stream for you guys today,” Mikasa says, trying to continue the stream. “Eugen, would you like to say what we will be doing?”
“Ja.” Eugen pulls out the broken B-25 bomber model plane. The chat blew up again and glancing at the scrolling text… some unsavory comments were exchanged.
“Alright alright, chat.” Mikasa used her scolding mother's voice. “Do not say those words on my stream. We are better than this.” That calms down the crowd. “Eugen, could you explain what happened?”
“Ja.” Eugen sighs. “I was a bit… drunk and accidentally knocked on my meine schwester’s desk in our shared room and… this was fallen over and broke. This… broke my sister’s patience with me and some she… left me.” She sighs. “Honestly, I feel bad that I did this to her. Hipper. Through her huhs and puffs, she is a sweet and loving sister. She was there for me when I am drunk, clean my room, get me into meetings and exercises. She is a great sister and I just…” Eugen looks directly at the camera. “Hipper, meine schwester, if you are watching this… I am sorry for everything. From the teasing to acting carelessly. I am sorry, and I hope I can fix your bomber here…” Eugen chokes up.
Mikasa gives the Iron Blood heavy cruiser a small hug. “I am sure your sister is watching.”
“Dankeschön.” Eugen recollects herself. “Now, how do we fix this?”
“Well…”
---
Hipper stares at the screen, red as a tomato, as she did not know what to do. Embarrassed that her sister, Prinz Eugen, talked about her private life or that she publicly apologized on a live stream.
“God meine schwester.” Hipper said with both anger and tears. She jumps off her seat and stomps off towards the studio.
--Several hours later--
“And done!” Mikasa cheers as they finish repairing the B-25 model. Working together, Eugen and Mikasa were able to fix the model bomber plane, using some greenstuff, plastic glue, and other modeling tips. What was once a broken plastic pieces became a complete B-25 Mitchell Bomber 1/32 model!
“Thank you, Mikasa for helping,” Eugen tells the old dreadnought.
“It is nothing.” Mikasa smiles. “Just happy to see this aeroplane model back in one piece.”
“Wonder if Hipper watched the stream?” Eugen wonders. Mikasa glances at the door entrance and points to the studio door. Eugen turns and sees Admiral Hipper, standing there with arms crossed and steaming out of her ears.
“SERIOUSLY EUGEN!?” Hipper screamed. “You seriously had to apologize to me on a live stream for everyone to see!?” Eugen runs up to her and gives her a hug.
“We will be returning shortly.” Mikasa went on break, stopping the capture, allowing the two sisters to have some privacy.
“What are you-” Hipper steamed, but Eugen smiles.
“I am sorry meine schwester. I am so sorry.” Eugen tells her, tears in her eyes. “I am sorry for the teasing and joking and using you as a calendar. I am sorry. I don’t our relationship to be sour and-”
“Eugen.” Hipper stops her, a bit teary eye herself. “Are you going to change your drinking habits, your cleaning habits, and everything else?”
“I will try,” Eugen tells her.
Hipper sighs. “Close enough.” She embraced her. “I forgive you and love you.”
“Thank you, meine schwester.” Eugen hugs her sister hard.
“You better change your habits or else,” Hipper says before they enter the studio again with Mikasa.
“I will try.” Eugen winks, causing her to roll her eyes, but smirk. “Mikasa, start the stream! Time to paint this baby!”
Outside the model room, FdG, Tirpitz, and Wesser watch as the two sisters finally made amends.
“At least they got back together again.” Wesser smiles as Tirpitz pulls her hat off.
“Ja. Everything is back to normal.” The battleship smiles.
FdG laughs. “A lovely scene.”
“YOU ARE DATING WALES AGAIN!!?!!” They all jump as they see Hipper yell at Eugen. “THIS IS YOUR FOURTH TIME!??!”
They all sigh. Wesser and Tirpitz shaking their heads and FdG politely giggling. “Eugen… habit die hard huh?”
--End--

Hi all,
Do you know where I could look for something like this metal bed frame in EU size (140x200 cm, 160x200, ...) rather than US size (Queen, King, ...)?

Animal Welfare (Small Animals) Bill

A BILL TO
introduce additional labelling requirements and protections regarding products marketed for the care of small animals.
BE IT ENACTED by the Queen’s most Excellent Majesty, by and with the advice and consent of the Lords, and Commons, in this present Parliament assembled, and by the authority of the same, as follows:—
Section 1. Interpretation

1. In this bill:
   a. “small animal” refers to the animals listed below:
   

   i. Guinea Pig ii. Hamster iii. Gerbil iv. Rat v. Mouse vi. Degu vii. Chipmunk viii. Rabbit ix. Ferret x. African pygmy hedgehogs 

   b. “Enclosure” refers to any cage, tank, or other confined space intended for the permanent housing of a small animal.
   c. “Enclosure size” refers to the unbroken floor area of the main section of an enclosure.
   d. “Bedding” refers to materials provided to small animals for the purposes of digging, burrowing and creating a nest.
   

 
Section 2. Enclosure Size Labelling Requirements

1. The minimum enclosure size for:
   a. A guinea pig is 7,000 squared centimetres;
   b. A hamster is 3,600 squared centimetres;
   c. A gerbil is 2,000 squared centimetres;
   d. A rat is 2,000 squared centimetres;
   e. A mouse is 1,400 squared centimetres;
   f. A degu is 3,000 squared centimetres;
   g. A chipmunk is 11,000 squared centimetres;
   h. A rabbit is 11,000 squared centimetres;
   i. A ferret is 5,600 squared centimetres.
   j. An african pygmy hedgehog is 7200 squared centimetres.
   
2. Enclosures must be clearly labelled with the small animals they can suitably house according to subsection 2(1).
   
3. The relevant secretary of state may, if evidence suggests it would be appropriate, choose to increase the enclosure sizes in subsection 2 (1) via statutory instrument.
   
4. It is an offence for a manufacturer or retailer to label an enclosure that does not meet the minimum requirements listed in subsection 2(1) as suitable for the respective small animal.
   a. Any manufacturer or retailer that fails to do this, may be fined an amount notwithstanding 150% the profits made from the total sales of that enclosure made in the past financial year.
   
5. It is an offence for a manufacturer or retailer to sell an enclosure to a consumer that does not meet the minimum enclosure size listed in subsection 2(1) when it is clear it would be used for that animal.
   a. Any manufacturer or retailer that knowingly sells such an enclosure to a consumer when explicitly aware it is for an animal requiring a larger enclosure size, may be fined an amount notwithstanding 150% the profits made from the total sales of that enclosure made in the past financial year.
   
6. Trading Standards should regularly inspect stores that sell enclosures for violations of subsection 2, and prosecute as per the terms of subsection 2 (5) is necessary.
   a. Trading Standards should ensure consumers are able to report rights violations regarding this legislation, and commit a subsequent investigation.
   

Section 3. Bedding and other items

1. The relevant secretary of state may, if evidence suggests it would be appropriate, choose to prohibit the sale of items intended for small animals such as bedding, food or toys, that scientific evidence would regard as unsafe and/or likely to cause harm to that small animal.
   a. The relevant secretary of state may do this via statutory instrument.
   
2. It is an offence for a manufacturer or retailer to sell any item that the secretary of state has deemed unsafe when it is clear it would be used for that animal.
   a. Any manufacturer or retailer that knowingly sells such an item to a consumer when explicitly aware it is for an animal that would make it unsafe, may be fined an amount notwithstanding 150% the profits made from the total sales of that product made in the past financial year.
   
3. Trading Standards should regularly inspect stores that sell enclosures for violations of subsection 3, and prosecute as per the terms of subsection 3 (2) as necessary.
   a. Trading Standards should ensure consumers are able to report rights violations regarding this legislation, and commit a subsequent investigation.
   

Section 4. Extent, commencement, and short title

1. This Act shall extend across England and Wales.
   a. This act shall only apply in Wales following the passage of a Legislative Consent Motion in Senedd Cymru.
   
2. This Act shall come into force immediately after receiving Royal Assent.
   
3. This Act may be cited as the Animal Welfare (Small Animals) Act
   

This Bill was submitted by The Most Hon The Marquess of Ordsall KG KT CT MBE PC and The Hon NorthernWomble MP MSP on behalf of the Liberal Democrats.
Opening Speech
Mr Deputy Speaker,
Both myself and Zygark have the delightful joy of looking after some small animals. I have the pleasure of looking after Rosie: a delightful Syrian Hamster, and Zygark has the pleasure of looking after Dax: a curious and crazy little mouse.
We both love these little ones so very much, and we passionately believe they should be given the best possible conditions possible to enjoy their lives in their forever homes.
Myself and Zygark are both responsible pet owners. We research everything, we talk to other small animal owners on social media, we make sure that we listen to the science and protect them against food, objects and structures that could harm them.
Now there is actually a considerable amount of science on this: in particular regarding stress levels and quality of life of small animals. The general rule when it comes to the size of a small animal cage is ‘the larger, the better’.
For the ease of simplicity within this opening speech, Mr Deputy Speaker. I am going to focus on Syrian Hamsters, however the principle stands for all small animals featured in this bill. The RSPCA used to expect a minimum cage size of 75 cm x 40 cm x 40 cm for dwarf hamsters and larger for Syrians. This has since disappeared as pet shops have pressurised the RSPCA to remove that requirement allowing pet shops to sell inappropriately small cages.
For example, Pets at Home sell a cage available today, for £30, for Syrian Hamsters, that is just 58cm x 38cm x 30cm. Wholly inappropriate for any small animal of this type. The research on the other hand, says that such cages are dangerously unsuitable. For example: ‘Baseline core temperature [of the hamsters] decreased with increasing cage size’. For the layman: this means that Hamsters are less stressed the larger the case size. Hamsters and Mice are also able to fight infections in larger cages than smaller ones: leading to a longer, healthier life overall.
Numerous studies state ‘large cages increase welfare’ for small animals. That is what this bill aims to provide. By providing reasonable limits of cage sizes and regulating the market to ensure that standards do not fall, we will enable pet owners to provide the proper, safe and fair facilities for their new small animals. Such an approach is also offered for objects within cages. For example, fluffy bedding is often marketed as a ‘safe’ option for Hamsters. That is fatally wrong. Hamsters don’t know what is suitable nesting material and what isn’t and they get quite excited by nice soft things that will feel cosy in their nest. The fluffy bedding on sale here, will be pouched by the hamster, and stay stuck in there. The hamster will struggle to remove it and ruin their cheek pouches, or they will tangle it in their legs and eventually require amputation. At worst: ingestion of the ‘safe’ bedding can be fatal.
This bill also imposes regulation on this market, it gives the secretary of state the power, should evidence come to light of things no longer being safe for small animals, to ban the selling of these items, and gives trading standards the power to enforce it. Mr Deputy Speaker, it is for these reasons we bring this bill forward to the house for consideration and I commend this bill as a direct result.
This reading shall end at 10PM BST on the 27th of August.

Hi everyone! I just got a platform bed frame for a queen sized mattress, and the legs of the center support don’t quite reach the floor. If I push down on the center support beam, they reach it, but there’s a cm or so between the bottom of the leg and the floor if I don’t put any pressure on it.
Some websites I’ve found say that’s on purpose because the center support is meant to be able to flex a little bit to handle weight changes, so the legs should NOT touch the floor, but others say the legs should reach all the way to the floor or the center support can’t do its job.
Can anyone weigh in? Should I leave it as is, or put some cardboard or something under the legs so that they are in contact with the floor?
Thank you!

(i'm so sorry for the 1 month hiatus, a lot of things going on in my life, i had no time or will to continue for a while, but now i'm back! i promise.)
Once again we accompany the story of Ktaryle, an alien researcher who left her community to study the galaxy beyond the reaches of the Federative Galactic Unity (FDU) to study uncataloged life, and found an interesting life form while searching an abandoned spaceship.
With that quick summary I welcome back those who have been waiting for me to continue this series and thank you for your support. I plan to make these summaries shorter so i don't make you guys read much of this before reading the actual story. Like always criticism is welcome and I hope you like this, enjoy!
(1 kyr = 1,5 year) (1 kit = 1 day) (1 kiv = 2 hours) (1 gly = 160 cm, 1 m ≅ 3 gly )
Previous Episode
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-Initiating log
-Log designation: The test
“I'm ready to start testing upon this creature, after analysing what was indeed some form of clothing that i assume was put on the creature by the previous research team for no discernible reason, i've heard it loudly grunt from its room. It may have been in the previous vessel unconscious for a vast amount of time, so it must be hungry, right now i'm going to test what it eats, it concerns me the fact that the denture in his mouth resemble both predatorial and vegetative teeth, although the former is more lacking so i'm going with the assumption that, hopefully, it will eat the vegetative bio material that i have, otherwise i will have to somehow acquire meat as fast as possible as to not starve the poor thing… ugh, i wish it isn't a predator, it would put me in larger risk when dealing with it and… i really don't want to deal with organic bodily fluids staining the vessel.”
-End of log.
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It is time, i’ve prepared the bowl with raw vegetative biomaterial, lets see if the little creature eats it, i walk down the vessel hallway to the personal chambers section until i get to the door… the fear creeped upon me again, the creature was behind that door, im unaware of any intentions it might have, the little creature may be tiny but it can prove itself dangerous, but i have to do this otherwise how will i learn anything of it? I once again entered the chamber, it resided inside looking curiously at the medical kit i left, the expected curiosity of a simple creature, it then started staring at me again.
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Oh my god it's here again, what does the purple thing want? yes i'm calling it “purple thing” because that's how much i can describe it. But it's here again and now… with a bowl? it looks like a bowl and there's stuff inside of it.
It put the bowl in front of me, approaching hesitantly, i look inside of it and there is.. stuff in it, i can't quite recognize what it is but it looks like fruits and vegetables, loads of reddish cabbage looking leaves, some blue apple sized strawberry looking fruits with spiky leaves on the top… does it want me to eat it? Can I thrust this purple thing? Although… i don't remember the last time i ate some actual food… this cant be worse than the green paste stuff right?
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The creature continues to stare hesitantly at the raw biomaterial, analyzing what i put in front of it, does it even know its food? I mean the food where he lives may be vastly different from this, everything where he lives might be very different from anything I've ever seen… or maybe my worries were right and he is indeed a carnivore. I will try and set him in the right direction, maybe consuming some of it will convince it that it's safe to eat? I do like to eat some of the fruits when i'm not in the mood for nutrition paste, let's try and eat it to see if the creature gets the idea.
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Huh, it is taking one of the spiky strawberry fruit of the bowl, what is he goin- WHAT THE HELL, WHY DOES IT HAVE A FACE WIDE VERTICAL MOUTH FULL OF TEETH, HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK. Ok, ok, i need to calm down, it's an alien, it's not supposed to be like anything you seen before and mY GOD IT'S TAKING BITES OUT OF IT I CAN'T STAND LOOKING AT THIS CREEPY ASS VERTICAL MOUTH SHIT.
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After consuming one of the g’niv fruit, which is my favorite fruit, I looked down to see the creature backed up and is now gazing even more, his eyes widen looking at me eating… It looks frightened, but why would that be? I then pick up another g’niv fruit and with my stronger arm i offer him, the creature is very hesitant at first, but it then grabs the fruit, looking at it curiously… and takes a bite out of it, and another one, and another, and eats the fruit fully! This is so exciting, and relieving as this confirms that not only it will eat what i have, but that it isn't a carnivore, at most a scavenger with those crafty hands of his… it has opposable fingers, could it be that it can perform simple tool use? maybe it means it climbs! Already i have things to take notes from its odd physiology, but only observation will confirm any theories of mine, it's a shame I can't see him in its natural habitat as it would be way more informational.
After completing the first fruit i thought it would eat just 2 more fruits and maybe some of the gli’k leaves i put together in the bowl, but it didn't, in fact it ate all of it, so fast, how could it? The surprising part wasn't that it ate the entire bowl of vegetative biomaterial but rather that it ate so quickly! For how much time was he unable to eat? He ate like he hadn't in kyts, his facial expression changing, i couldn't really know what it meant.
________________________________________________________________________________
Still a bit freaked out how the purple thing eats, but BOY these fruits and veggies sure are delicious, the red leaf things are a bit sour but very pleasant to the taste, the spiky apple sized strawberry are so sweet! They slowly melt in my mouth with deliciousness… literally, as i chew they begin to melt in my mouth for some reason, the leaves too. I hadn't had this amount of flavour in so much time, the purple thing looked weird to me after i finished the bowl, however the bowl wasn't that big and i sure wasn't full yet.
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It holded the bowl with its hands and put it up to me, in a very demanding manner, it wanted more? More than it already ate? it ate an medium sized meal bowl, that would be sufficient for an entire kyt for any standard species, is it THAT hungry?
Then again, this is an uncataloged species, i don't know how its metabolism works or how much activity it does… I again question myself because of my lack of knowledge from this little creature, it has a very little size, so maybe it's a growing infant? That would explain its demand for food, so be it, i will feed it another bowl and that should be sufficient for the rest of a Kyt.
After bringing another bowl to the chamber, i come to find the creature which once again stares at me, although i can't read this creature’s expressions i gather that it looks a bit expectant, awaiting the food probably, this suggests that this creature is intelligent enough to have basic emotions, which is quite intriguing. As it sees the bowl I'm holding however, it starts baring its teeth at me! I panic a little at this, and quickly give him the bowl with my psy emission as of right now i fear approaching the seemingly aggressive creature and rather just have the bowl float to him, this seems to rather grab its attention as he keeps looking at the bowl as it approaches it, then when bowl finally lands, he, with no hesitance, eats the entirety of its contents in a manner similar to how he did the first time, truly it must be hungry to eat so much so quickly and to be so aggressive about it.
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I was really excited to eat another bowl of fruits and veggies, so much so that i let out a smile, which made the purple thing back up a bit. Why was he scared all of a sudden? Well i assumed he was scared at least, and then he dropped the bowl and… made it float??? Well apparently it can make things other than himself float, godam purple jedi. The bowl then landed in front of me and i ate all of it, so tasty, im soooooo full now, kinda bored tho.
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It seemed satisfied with its food, it sat on the ground looking around the chamber, what could be going on inside its cute little head? I stayed with him for a while as i needed to take notes of its visible physiology, for now i analyzed its anatomy, two long arms the end of which had a grabbing hand with 5 fingers, one of which was an opposable finger indicating tool use or climbing ability, he had two legs, most of which were covered by an either dark colored outer skin or was another piece of clothing applied by the previous researchers, at their end it had locomotive organs with an matching amount of fingers to the hands, although shorter.
It’s head was most interesting, in its top it had a great amount of brownish fur, which the rest of its body lacked, i grew curious what the function of the fur may serve, maybe they need that specific part of the head to remain more heated than the rest of its body? Maybe it has mating functionality, as to attract the opposite gender? This creature is a really curious creature, i wonder what planet it comes from.
But that's enough for today i think its a good time to res-
“System alert, a vessel is fast approaching our current position”
Oh no, what could that be? i better get back to the bridge, why would a vessel be fast approaching a tiny vessel like mine in unidentified space? I hope it's not pirates.
After hastily getting to the bridge, i see that this other vessel is making communication attempts, i accept them as is per vessel interaction protocol, the screen in front of me then displays a tykltir wearing a light armored jumpsuit, he then says in space common:“Helloooo frieend, would it be so nice of you to say, what you have in that cargo of yours?”Of course it was pirates, what else would it be other than pirates? This unregistered space out of FDU territory, there is nothing BUT pirates in here. I then desperately try to program a jump, i desperately need to escape this situation.
“No no no, don't you think you can escape this young lady, you will make a nice addition to my collection, i know many who would want a psy emitter slave.”
I dreaded to see what i saw, my vessel was being pulled towards theirs via tractor beam technology, their vessel was heavily modified and much stronger than mine, there was nothing i can do, will i become a slave? I don't want to be a slave, i've read about the infamous tykltir slave markets, the torturous environment the slaves are put through, what am i going to do?
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For some reason the purple thing kept staring at me, tinkering with an ipad looking thing with his tiny chest arms, it has tiny chest arms, how didn't i notice it before, it's like a xenomorph queen tiny chest arms, but that really was the only xenomorph looking feature in it, it hadn't any of the classic xenomorph blackish biomechanical body.
Was it taking notes of me? Well, if that was the case it was already more friendly than the spider lizards, it atleast was face to face with me, and not divided by a tube. This room was only somewhat more spacious than the tube but it was already way more comfortable, i had a large bed, i had a bed, you know how hard it is to sleep in a small tube in a cold floor made of what i can assume was metal? Not to mention that i think i've developed a bit of claustrophobia from that horrific experience.
Then what i think was an alarm started ringing from the ship, it was enough to get the purple things attention, man i really should come up with a better nickname for it, after the alarm there was an computer voice saying something in alien i have no idea what, i knew it was some sort of speech since some of the sounds repeated themselves in a pattern of what i could only describe as different tunes of soft clicking. The purple thing hastily got out of the room as if in a hurry, it got so fast it forgot to close the door, i was worried of what it could be so i followed, and after walking through a corridor with various doors, the purple thing entered a door at one end of the corridor, inside of it was large room in front of it a enormous windshield, with digital panels with weird symbols and buttons everywhere, this had to be some kind of bridge or cockpit.
After the purple thing pressed some buttons and tinkered with some of the weird symbols in the digital panels, a large holographic screen appeared in front of it. Now remember how i said that the purple thing didn't look like a xenomorph? Well in the screen appeared what i can only describe as literally a xenomorph with tusks, ok it had some minor differences like its slightly pale body, the uncountable eyes on its long forehead, its forearm had what i can assume was a blade, at the very least a sharp spike. It said something in fast clicking noises, when it said it i could see the purple thing starting to tremble, it was once again thickening with the panels, and then, an even louder alarm than the other one before started ringing, the same computer voice then said something in the same alien gibberish it did before, after that the holographic screen was turned off, the purple thing turned around, and as it saw me saying it said some gibberish in alien looking with his eyes widened, at least this gibberish i could recognize as a some kind of foreign speech differently from all the clicking going around, was it surprised? Did it not notice i was accompanying him?
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“Wha-, how did you get over here?”
I said to myself in surprise, well, i said it to the creature, but it's not like it was going to understand me, oh my i'm already treating it like a pet, but that was not important… Wait, did i leave the door open? of course i left the door open, how else would he have followed me? It's not like he can pass through walls… i think.
Focus Ktaryle, now it's not time for that, you need to focus on the task at hand, you need to somehow escape the tractor beam, or at the very least survive the attack… how? How am i supposed to do that? The only weapon i have is this simple energy disruptor for self defence, they are pirates, slaving pirates, they certainly have weapons much more powerful than this.
Should i surrender myself? If i don't resist i may not have so much bad of a fate... what am i saying of course i will, no i must impede the docking, its the only wa-
“Docking has been requested”I panicked, i was panicking, i was desperate.
“NO, no no no, computer negate docking request!”
“Major damage on docking port”
They are here... there is nothing i can do, they are brute forcing their way inside, never have i thought i would end up as a slave. All my work, my studies, all that to end up as a slave? No, that can't be, i can't accept this… WAIT, THE CREATURE, how could i? what will they do to the poor thing? If it acts so menacing like it did before they may kill it on sight!

Hi, so obviously I’m a huge gamer ^{_^} but I have a big problem ;; I live with four other girls, and I’m the only one here that plays videogames. I have my PlayStation, my laptop, and Switch. As you could guess, the only problem that my roommates had with me in the past is being too loud. The walls are thin, so even quietly talking you could hear from outside my door. My only social interaction is really at night when my friends and I are home from school and work, so I get to talk to them at that time.
Of course, I don’t want to keep up my roommates with my loudness. But I just don’t want to just stop talking to my friends or stop playing videogames with my friends. So I was wondering if there’s a way I can soundproof my bed area so all of us can be happy? I was literally debating on just buying a big soundproof blanket and just throwing it on me and playing my games, but I don’t know if that’s practical.
My idea is I ordered one of these:
Bed Tent Dream Tents Bed Canopy Shelter Cabin Indoor Privacy Warm Breathable Pop Up Queen Size for Kids and Adult Patent Pending PitchBlack(Mattress Not Included) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07WR6KMMD/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_AxQLFb0RAFDNH and then drape soundproof curtains over it. Could that work?
I cant attatch foam or eggs cartons to my wall either :( I could try to cover the door but I don’t think that’ll be enough. I’ve even just considered putting a box over my head with like acoustic foam but I don’t know if that’s practical either.
Please help me guys, I’d be so happy to be able to talk and have fun with my friends again >_< it’s the only real way I can relax without just being alone all the time or texting.

Ever since a Let’s Play got me into Stardew Valley, I’ve fallen in love with the world. It’s something special, a place to relax and get away from the world’s problems. Here, you can pay bills with the sweat of your own brow, make friends, fall in love, and can escape the drudgery of modern life. It’s magical in its own way.
I’ve played hundreds of hours over multiple save files. I’ve been wondering one thing just recently, however. I remember when I first asked Robin for house upgrades and the sheer bowel-emptying amount she asked for. Seriously? That much for a kitchen? Now that I haven’t left my house for the past several weeks, fear human contact, and have deep dived into the paranormal, I’m overthinking something constantly: with regards to modern housework, does Robin the carpenter over or under charge you for her work?
To figure this out, it’s going to require a fair bit of math and a lot of guesswork. I’m going to have to establish a lot of ground rules but I’m going to try and be as accurate to real world costs as I can. We need to learn four things:

• What year does the game take place so we can calculate accurate inflation?
• What is the square footage of the house and its upgrades?
• What is the exchange value of gold, the game’s currency?
• What is the cost of Robin’s labor?

Let’s tackle the first. To do this, I scoured around to look for modern conveniences. Primarily, I found these five:

• Leah mentions she has a laptop
• The carpentry shop sells Plasma screen TVs.
• There is what appears to be an old Apple computer monitor in Harvey’s clinic and Maru’s room.
• Sam has an electric guitar and what looks like a plasma screen computer monitor in his room.
• In Mr. Qi’s casino, the slot machines do not have a lever. This is important because that gives us a firm earliest date of 1963.

Another interesting factoid is the number of Cathode-ray TVs you see in Stardew Valley. These are the precursors to plasma screens, which were in turn succeeded by LCD screen TVs. Additionally, a large number of your starter houses comes preequipped with Cathode-ray TVs. Granted, this may be because the farmhouse was abandoned for many years before you came along, but there exists another such TV in 1 River Road where we often see George watching his shows. I will concede that George and Evelyn are quite old and may not have the tech savvy nature of Sebastian to get something more modern, so that can’t be an accurate measurement. Plus, Alex’s mental acumen is a little... questionable.
As for crafting recipes, there really isn’t anything worth talking about. Magic items I won’t talk about because it has no real world comparison; that also throws out the wizard shop’s items. The furniture catalog has nothing of note to pinepoint a date, and nor does Pierre’s General Store, Joja Mart, Joja Warehouse, the Blacksmith, Stardrop Saloon, or Marnie’s ranch. Leah doesn’t mention anything about her laptop, so that is of little help.
So the casino gives us a low bound. Although manufacturing of the plasma screen TV stopped in the US in 2014, plasma screen TVs were losing their market shares around 2007 and factories were shutting down. As you can buy them like hotcakes and fill a shed with them, 2007 is our upper bound.
The price for plasma screens was quite pricey for residential homes. 1995 was the year 42 inch plasma screens became commercial, and some had home installation priced somewhere around US$15,000. Still not quite the size of the queen or king sized bed you and your spouse have (the size of the plasma screen in the game), but sixty inch plasma screen TVs were sold around the year 2000, and that is plenty big. Given the size of the screen in the game is roughly three tiles just like your bed, I think it’s safe to say this is around the size of our estimate. Our rough year range is now 1995 to 2007. Let’s split the difference and say the game takes place in 2001.
We have our year.
To calculate the size of our farmhouse, we need some baseline measurement. Luckily, the game is pixelated so we can be quite accurate in our measurements. Unluckily, we have no confirmed height of anything, so we have to intuit some things. Reddit user asparagus made this excellent size chart, so while I can just use that and save myself a lot of work, let us do some measurements of our own and then measure the farmhouse with both this method and asparagus’ method.
First, there is the height of plants, but those can vary widely. For instance, you can pot prickly pear cactuses in your farmhouse, but their height can vary anywhere between one and seven feet. Plant height is a no go. The average height of a minifridge is forty three inches (109 cm) tall, so unless you are a dwarf, that’s not right either. The fences are also a good starting point, as most agricultural fencing stands at four feet (1.2 m).
Here we don’t have to do much; all fences are forty eight pixels in height. Four feet equals out to forty eight inches (121.92 cm). It doesn’t get more perfect than that!
Trigger warning: incoming math.
Now comes the really tricky part: getting the dimensions of each iteration of your farmhouse, and squinting at my computer screen like a mole in order to count pixels; we must include walls as well as that is included in square footage. Our first iteration has pixel measurements of 704x496. Add in the doorway (136x64pixels), and then we’ll still convert for square feet. 704 * 496 + (136 * 64) = 318,452 pixels/sq, which (dividing by 12^2) converts to 2,211.47 ft/sq. Damn, we’re well on our way for most modern mansions.
I have to have messed something up (205.45 m/sq, btw). The average firebox (the inside of a fireplace where you burn wood) tends to be around 32x20 inches (81.28x50.8 cm). Ours is... 72x40. Twice as large. I also haven’t even begun to calculate the farmhouse’s height because Robin is beginning to scare me.
Alright, new plan, we’re going with asparagus. I married Haley and took her measurements. She is 104 pixels tall, and since she is 65 inches (165.1 cm) according to asparagus, that gives us a measurement of .625 inches/pixel (1.5875 cm/pixel).
Side note, I really want some Twizlers right now.
So instead of having pixels as at a 1:1 ratio, we have something a little more lenient, but things are looking a little... grim. We’ll have to convert each individual amount, so we have (704 * .625) * (496 * .625) + ((136 * 64) * .625^2) for 124,395.31 inches/sq, 863.86 ft/sq., 80.25 m/sq. But still, we haven’t even begun to calculate the actual volume of our farmhouse yet, so these numbers are going to explode.
I’m beginning to think Robin is Hestia. Yoba is not the only deity in this town.
Alright, calculating the rest of the floor spaces is a little boring so let’s speedrun this.
Wall height for the farmhouse is 140 pixels, so (140 * .625) * 124,395.31 inches/sq / 12^3 = 6,298.95 ft^3 (178.36 m^3) for the farmhouse, and 25,800.51 ft^3 (730.58 m^3) using my method.
Just... let’s move on.
Second iteration has me doing a fair bit more work.
Wall height is 135 pixels, and rightmost—wait, the walls are shorter? Weird. Anyway, the rightmost room has dimensions of 486 for width by 375 for depth (and the same cubby dimensions), giving us cuboid dimensions of 24,603,750 pixels^3, which converts to 14,238.28 ft^3 (403.18 m^3), and 3,476.14 ft^3 (82.83 m^3) using asparagus' method
Middle corridor has a dimensional width of 42 pixels by 87 depth, giving us a total of 285.47 ft^3 (8.08 m^3), and 69.69 ft^3 (1.97 m^3) using asparagus' method.
Leftmost room (the kitchen) has a width of 870 and depth of 375, with a doorway of 136x64. That gives us a cuboid area of 314,019.38 ft^3 (29,173.11 m^3), and 6,388.74 ft^3 (180.91 m^3) using asparagus' method.
That gives us a grand total for a tier two home of...
... 328,543.13 ft^3 (29,584.37 m^3) using my method and
... 9,934.58 ft^3 (281.31 m^3) using asparagus' method.
So Robin added at a minimum 3,635.63 cubic feet to your house in three days by herself. Even if you extend the days and months to roughly align with our own calendar, that would be a mere nine days. How much powdered starfruit did she snort in order to do that by herself? I 100% believe Emily is the town’s dealer. I didn’t even calculate the length of the farmhouse loft. It’s doable, and even though you can’t enter it in the game, a bigger farmhouse means a bigger loft judging by the look of it.
Anyway, I’m not going to calculate the loft area right now. I’m not going to calculate the other tiers of your farmhouse either, even though that was my intent when I started this analysis. The math is easy enough, but it gets boring to type, and no doubt to read. Plus, I’m a little stunned by Robin's carpentry acumen. C’mon Robin, stop upgrading my house. Exercise with the girls, dance with your husband, smoke some weed, I dunno, RELAX.
But in a strange way, it makes a weird sort of sense. Pretty much no one plays the game with auto-run turned off, but do so for a moment. See how fast you move. That is your normal pace, and auto-run is you, an Olympian god, sprinting around town every second of every day, helping the shit out of everyone whether they want it or not, snorting the same starfruit mixture you got from Robin to keep going, who may have gotten it from Linus (my money is still on Emily). We’ve become so accustomed to seeing the run animation as our default I almost didn’t realize it doesn’t translate to modern life. The boards in your house, I almost took those as your normal 2x4 planks of wood (which actually measure 1.5x3.5, the world lies to me). They are not. They are almost the width of your entire body, and your walking pace (sorry I can’t get an exact pixel measurement) covers roughly one and a half boards, a similar length to a normal human gait. The art style fooled even me until now, but your house is massive.
Let’s just answer our other two questions. What is the exchange rate? Calculating the exchange rate of a fictional world is always tricky as they have different concepts of rarities, but I’ll give it the ol’ college try. Once again, I can’t do anything with magic. Let’s first list some things of note:

• Iridium is fairly easy to get around Stardew Valley once you are able, and that is a rare and valuable metal, with a current price of US$1,510 per troy ounce.
• You can purchase a golden column to place on your farm, and gold has a current price of US$1,643 per troy ounce
• Conversely, while the first two are rare and valuable metals, crops such as corn are valued at prices like 150g, a very unusually high amount if exchanged 1:1 to USA dollars.
• Going back to plasma screen TVs, we can use its price history and then convert currencies to Stardew Valley gold.

Now you may be tempted to say we can’t translate iridium and gold’s prices to real world market values, and normally you may be right, but there are some extenuating circumstances in the game: the town is right next to two very large mines. It is even a plot point once you clear the glittering boulder that the water carries ore from deep inside the mountain. Yes, gold and iridium are valuable, but your location to ore veins is important; gold and iridium may be uncommon resources but you have access to very specific places where they are more common, otherwise known as the scarcity heuristic). This also explains two facts about iridium: discounting magic, iridium is quite rare in the game, just like real life. Secondly, Clint’s prices make a lot more sense not only because it’s endgame material, but because iridium is super dense and has a very high melting point, thus making it a very difficult material to work with.
But by far the biggest challenge of this question is figuring out whether or not items you produce factor in the cost of your labor or not. For instance, lace is made of simple materials that even in the days of Victorian England, it was easy to get. However because lace was so time consuming to make, it could command absurd prices. Thus, one of the first things we need to discover is whether or not the game takes into account cost of labor or not.
So I am going to take you all back to school and talk about someone who’s old and dead: Adam Smith. It was he who talked about the cost of labor in his book The Wealth of Nations, and because of that, I bring up this particular line:

“...From century to century, corn is a better measure than silver, because, from century to century, equal quantities of corn will command the same quantity of labour more nearly than equal quantities of silver.”

Why did I mention corn above? This is why. Prices may vary, but agriculture has been around for thousands of years and the cost of a farmer’s labor equals about the same.
According to Dylan Baumann, Stardew Valley corn plants have a profit value of 535 gold per plant. Our corn plant profits are about as high as they can get without adding something new into the mix, and we don’t want that yet.
Let’s set some ground rules:

• Cultivatable farm space on the standard farm equals out to 3,427 spaces, but we’ll round that down to 3,350 for iridium sprinklers, iridium watering can, and scarecrows, equaling maximum farming with no loss of crop.
• We’ll keep Dylan’s ground rules, so no fertilizer.
• No preserves, jams, wine, and juices.
• No farming efficiencies and crop selling bonuses.
• No use of the greenhouse to grow crops outside of the growing season.

If you plant the entire farm with corn and stop harvesting on Fall day 28 when the growing season ends, that lets you harvest a total of 11 ears of corn per plant. Multiply that by 3,350, we get a total of 36,850 ears of corn for your entire farm. Corn is measured in bushels, and a bushel of corn can be anywhere between 40 and 60 ears of corn, but we’ll say you really pack it in for 60, meaning your growing season for corn produces 36,850 / 60 corn for a total of 614.17 bushels per year.
The USDA has a 2001 labor value of corn at US$2.92 per acre (and that matches the Iowa labor statistic), and using 156 bushels per acre, that brings our labor cost per bushel at... US$00.02. That’s a real pittance. Considering bushels of corn retailed around $2.11 per bushel in 2001, that is an incredible markup of 184.85 times.
We’re almost done with the dreaded math, I swear.
Corn retails at 100g apiece in Stardew Valley(You get 50 gold from Pierre, so he has a 100% markup), meaning the labor cost should be around 184.85 times less that amount, meaning it takes about 0.54 gold to make one ear of corn.
Your average US farmers salary $55,000 and $100,000, and we’ll take the middle of $77,500 for our measurements. Dividing the farmer’s salary by the total ears of corn our farmer grows in Stardew Valley, we get a labor cost per ear of corn in US dollars of $2.10 per ear of corn. Now we multiply this by our markup ratio to get the IRL retail cost of corn in Stardew, getting US$237.08! Damn that better be some good eating! We divide that number by the Stardew Valley retail cost of corn, netting us a real world conversion of gold of, drumroll please, $2.37 US dollars per gold in 2001.
Now just for funzies, let us calculate the actual salary of your famer in Stardew Valley. Multiplying your 36,850 ears of corn by 50 gold (your selling price of gold, not the retail price of 100g), that nets you 1,842,500 gold per growing season. Multiply that by the dollagold conversion we just calculated and your real life gross income comes out to be US$436,672,500.
Give me all of the golden clocks, wizard.
Three questions down, one more to go. Currency conversion was rather tricky because it involved quite a lot of math, but this last question, what is the cost of Robin’s labor, that requires the most assumptions. There’s an easy answer and a hard answer.
Robin’s upgrades, except for the last, require you the farmer to give her resources in addition to gold. The simple answer is you are providing materials in order to keep the raw gold cost down. This means that the first house upgrade, 10,000 gold, is strictly her labor cost as the 450 wood is all the raw materials she needs to build. 3 days * 3 months (to adjust Stardew month lengths to our month lengths) comes out to Robin working an IRL equivalent to 9 days. Taking 10,000 gold / 9 days equals a cost of 1,111.111 gold per day, and considering Robin has snorted enough powdered starfruit to have 20 hour work days, that comes out to 55.56 gold per hour.
Just to be sure, let’s see if the math holds up for the last upgrade. That one requires a cost of 100,000 gold and comes preequipped with 33 casks. You do not provide the resources for the casks, meaning that comes included with the cost. Casks cannot be sold, but the materials required to make them are 20 wood and 1 hardwood, which Robin will provide for the same 100% markup (meaning 4 gold and 30 gold respectively). 4 gold * 30 gold * 33 casks comes out to 3,960 gold. Using the same calculations for the first house iteration, we get (100,000 gold - 3,960) / (3 days * 3 months) / 20 hours for a total of 533.56 gold per hour.
Not even close to our first estimate. We could just average them together for (533.56 + 55.56) / 2 = 294.56 gold, and that would be the easy answer. It would be nice to settle for the easy answer.
Let’s find the hard answer. We are going to calculate labor cost per square footage, and luckily most of the work has been done over the course of several google spreadsheets. To find the cost of materials and money per upgrade volume we get the formula (Upgrade volume - Base Volume) / 10,000 gold. This gives us a grand total of cubic material built per gold of...
...2,573.26 in^3/gold, 30.27 ft^3/gold, 2.89 m^3/gold using my method and
...628.24 in^3/gold, 0.36 ft^3/gold, 0.01 m^3/gold using asparagus’ method.
Let’s see if the math holds up for the basement upgrade and dammit I just realized I got to do more pixel measurements now. Hold on, be back in an hour.
Alright, I’m back. We don’t need to do any subtraction for the previous volume of the house considering the cellar is its own little area, but we still need to subtract the value of the materials used for the casks. The cellar comes out to a grand total of cubic materials built per gold of...
...386.91 in^3/gold, 0.22 ft^3/gold, 0.01 m^3/gold using my method and
...94.46 in^3/gold, 0.05 ft^3/gold, 0.0015 m^3/gold using asparagus’ method.
Huge discrepancy.
Before I get into my reasoning why, let us outline what we know first.

• We’re pretty sure the game takes place in 2001.
• We have the exact sizes of each house upgrade calculated with two different methods.
• We have a certified exchange rate of US$2.37 at that point in time.
• We have two different methods of calculating the cost of Robin’s labor.
• The amount of work Robin does during her three(nine?) day job is absolutely obscene.

I come to one conclusion: Robin is a god that has settled down in the world of Stardew Valley.
Here me out. I have three pieces of evidence.
The first is when Robin is hired to take on a house upgrade job no one helps her, not even her husband Demetrius. Your house is right next to hers, so you’re not paying for travel. As we have shown by our calculations above and in the gDoc spreadsheet, that is a massive amount of work. It’s simply not possible for a human to accomplish such a monumental task. Robin claims she built her own home herself with this line from the game...

“Have I told you that I built our house from the ground up? It's definitely been the highlight of my career so far.”

...so we know her carpentry acumen is impressive enough for the job, but she has severely understated her skill. Homeadvisor pegs a house costing anywhere between US$150,000 to US$500,000 (US$102,005.53 to $340,018.44, adjusted for 2001 inflation), but even adjusted for inflation, Robin absolutely underbids the current housing market. Those inflation adjusted values, when converted to gold, come out to a range of 43,040.31g-143,467.70g. Granted, these prices are for a complete house, not adding onto a current house, but even if we half the value you are getting one hell of a discount.
The second piece is Robin’s language. The sheer passion for her work speaks wonders..

“Wood is a wonderful substance... it's versatile, cheap, strong, and each piece has its own unique character!”

...but perhaps she is just passionate about what she does. Many people are, but knowing what we do about how dirt cheap and blindingly fast she works let’s go into more detail about some things, specifically three lines. The first...

“Our little plan worked out well, don't you think? Pam and Penny seem really happy.”

...is said after Pam’s house undergoes an upgrade. “Our” plan? Sure, you are the one that buys the upgrade and Robin has to build it, but I can’t help but feel there is a double meaning behind this language. It is done out of the kindness of Robin’s heart and the materials have to come from somewhere, so she can’t do it for free, but it wasn’t about the money, as we have stated previously. It was about Penny.
Pam is a somewhat contentious person because of slobbish and slovenly nature. She is immediately and irrationally angered when Penny tries to pick the place up. She drinks heavily...

“\sigh*... My mother definitely has a problem with going to the saloon too much. But it's best not to dwell on bad things, right?”*

...doesn’t seem to understand not paying her tab has some consequences, and doesn’t realize what her habits have done to her daughter’s psyche.
Then you, the player come along. Pam is okay with the simple things in life, but you help Penny with her worries and insecurities, and then with you and Robin together, you give Penny everything she needs to help her shed those worries. She has a house that doesn have problems with rain, two friends who look out for her, her mom has a job, and most importantly she has peace of mind and in a world fraught with problems, that is truly priceless.
Then there is this line...

“Hey! I heard some weird noises last night, and woke up this morning to find the quarry bridge completely repaired! It's a miracle of woodworking!”

...and it occurs once you offer items to the community center junimos to get the quarry bridge repaired.
It is also a bald-faced lie.
The junimos are good, don’t get me wrong, but we’ve seen what Robin can do with our own two eyes. She is absolutely incredible at her job, and while I may give it to her she has no idea what junimos are or what they are capable of, we have proof that the act of restoring the bridge in one night is not out of the realm of possibility for her. A miracle, yes, but I’m certain she can beat the junimos’ time.
Lastly, there is one quote from her that is just... it opens up some very interesting questions. When she says...

“My parents were bewildered when I told them I wanted to be a carpenter. They were pretty old-fashioned.”

...how old are her parents when they consider carpentry too new-fashioned for them? Carpentry is one of the world’s oldest professions. If they were old-fashioned, why were they bewildered?
This line is just so fascinating to me. Robin is incredibly skilled, but I cannot rationalize carpentry being too newfangled for parents to wrap their head around. Who were they? Where are they from? I know your secrets, Robin, I know your parents are gods, too.
The third and final piece is the contrasting pieces of the world at large. Just like ours, it’s a little depressing. Joja Corp runs dozens of what even Cyberpunk would consider a dataslave farm. The world is flooded with consumerism run amok, Orwellian surveillance, and rampant urbanization. The Ferngill Republic is in the middle of a war with the Gotoro Empire and Kent still suffers PTSD from being in a prisoner of war camp.
Stardew Valley isn’t just a town to retire in, it is a place of respite and healing. There are three confirmed magic users deeply tied to the town’s mystical roots. The bears speak and encourage you to manage the world around you. You are rewarded for restoring balance to the valley by being able to recycle things you don’t need. Your main resource in the game, gold, also doesn’t matter that much; if it ever slips into the negative, nothing bad ever happens. You must just work to raise it back up. There is no lose condition in the game.
In many respects it is similar to the Gaiaism philosophy that all living beings are connected, each relying and depending on each other in order to maintain a peaceful coexistence. You help Shane with his nihilism and depression, Sebastian with his ability to express and accept affection, Sam with his dreams, Kent with his problems, Leah with her ambitions, Haley with her generosity and narcissism, or even simple goals like Penny’s idea of a quiet domestic life.
Whether it is the addicted, lost, or scorned, everyone is welcome and everyone can have a home in Stardew Valley. No one embodies this more than Robin who just wants a simple life. Whether it is her own house or her own boat during the Dance of the Moonlight Jellies, Robin builds it herself. The feel of wood grain, the smell of lacquer, the stickiness of stain, the thrum of the saw, and the bite of the axe. Robin doesn’t charge you nearly enough for your house upgrades because it is not about the money. Woodworking is what she loves and she lives in a place where barterism, kindness, family, and friendship substitute so many of life's modern problems and inconveniences.
Friendship increases in the game aren’t just a measurement of achievements, a means of getting more recipes, or more candles lit on a grave. You are making friends and getting to know these people for who they are and everyone’s life is bettered because of it. The amount of love I’ve seen for Linus is just staggering. Shane, in all of his melancholy and despite him not being a suitor in the original version of the game, is loved by so many. I know some despise Haley, but I love that I was able to show her what kindness can do for people.
You are in a gentle and loving place, and you are loved.
What a better place for a god to reside? A quiet town filled with peace and love, seeped in nature and the old magics of yore. A loving mate, a family to raise. Land to share with those that forage from its bounty. It’s all she needs.
Robin’s role in all of this? She desires neither worship nor admiration. She is just a friend. A god, certainly, but a friend first and foremost who is just settling down in a quiet town looking for a little peace.
​
https://preview.redd.it/vxedrolha3w51.png?width=507&format=png&auto=webp&s=d109cc65b008db74dc4ef74d20083c6eeb2cfc60
Image by MagicallyClueless

Link: https://www.costco.ca/ghostbed-luxe-33- … 93516.html -queen-memory-foam-mattress-with-cooling-technology.product.100693516.html) Price: 1350 Discount: $350 Expires: December 20, 2020 Retailer: Costco
The GhostBed Luxe in Queen size is on sale for $1350 (regular 1700 on costco site). There are similar sales on other sizes. I’m not sure if this is truly a great deal, but it normally sells for 1700 on the GhostBed official site: https://www.ghostbed.ca/products/ghostbed-luxe .

Link: https://www.costco.ca/ghostbed-luxe-33- … 93516.html-queen-memory-foam-mattress-with-cooling-technology.product.100693516.html)

hello. I have a nice American queen sized bed but need to change the mattress. Currently my bed has a boxspring and on top of that the mattress. The American queen size is 153 x 203 cm . I was thinking maybe getting a French queen sized mattress, 160 x 200 cm, and lay it on top of the boxspring. It would stick out 3.5 cm on each side though. Is that a problem? Has anybody else figured out how to get an American queen sized mattress in France? Thanks!

Hello HFY, the next in my series of what happens when humanity's special gift in the stars is to have children with whoever they damn well please. As with the prior 2, I welcome constructive criticism.
This time I'm gonna try writing what Cass thinks and feels as 1st person thoughts, rather than 3rd person narration.
As always, all you humans and mixed breeds: Keep those comments exciting!
Author Wiki | Series Wiki | World Anvil
First | Previous | Next
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Cass stretched as she woke, surrounded by her comfortable enough bed and not quite warm enough covers. Sitting up, she looked around, her wresh ears flicking from side to side. 3. 2. 1.
Next to the bed a small clock threw itself into the air as it screamed out "Awake! Enter the awake state! Alert! It is time..."
The button on the clock depressed as Cass reached out with "ghost hands," before violently setting the clock back down on the night stand. Need to pick up a real alarm clock when I get a chance to visit Earth again.
Falling from her bed, Cass made her way to the bathroom, leaning herself against the wall the whole way. Finally standing on her own, she yawned before rubbing her eyes, stripping and taking her morning shower. Once the far too short shower was finished, Cass went about the rest of her pre-dress routine without bothering to dry herself off.
Walking out of the bathroom as nude and dry as she entered, Cass looked around her bedroom. Where is it? Where is it? OH, there it is! Cass picked up a silver triangle the size of her palm with two green "gems" and a single red "gem." Placing the triangle on the center of her upper chest with the red "gem" pointing down, Cass tapped the center of the triangle.
A wave of silver mist spread across Cass's torso, arms and legs, leaving behind the form fitting, ocean blue, body glove-like uniform of the Unity Office of Diplomatic Relations. At least the yyyn can make one thing convenient and comfortable.
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Nuubliter's Authentic Human Diner was as busy as it was every morning, with Danny (the poor, purple wreshun server boy) rushing from one end of the bar to another with a mug of coffee in each of his four arms and four more mugs floating floating around him.
Seated at the middle of the diner's bar was a human man wearing a dark yellow jump suit, cat calling at Danny while wearing a grin of confidence that Cass had only seen on womanizing spacers. As she passed by the human, she leaned over and whispered "Danny's a boy."
Cass let out a snicker as she heard the man's slam his forehead into the bar and mutter "Well fuck me then."
Cass took a seat at the end of the bar, making sure that there weren't any seats behind her. As she set up her 2 in 1, a mug filled with steaming, caramel colored fluid met the counter top. "Thanks Danny."
"You're welcome. Should I ring you up now or when you come back after work?" Danny asked, with a deep voice fitting his 215 cm height.
"After work." Cass said, Danny shuffling off to go deal with other customers. As the 2 in 1 finished booting, Cass pulled up the Wresh Unified version of the virilliam tentacle beast first contact video. Gotta watching it just once more. Make sure I didn't miss anything.
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Cass looked up at the sound of the door to her office opening, the ear buds in her human ears still playing Farting Fireworks. Tilbulter stood in the doorway waiting for Cass to click the pause button on her music. The yyyn stood 170 cm tall with pale, grayish skin and the typical oversized head of a yyyn with comically large, solid black eyes. Don't call him a grey. Don't call him a grey.
"Studious Farrell, I have a scout report from the endlessly creative Unified Governments of Earth and Her Colonies that needs translated to Unity Standard Language before the UG Journey docks. Yadakulter Station wants to be aware of what the UG Journey might be bringing onto the station." Stated Tilbulter as he placed a not-quite-paper document onto Cass's desk.
"I'll get what I can done. No promises, this is a big report." Cass replied as the report traveled from one side of her tablet to the other. "But I will get this started immediately."
"Very good. Also, once you have the UG Journey's inventory and crew list translated, send me those." Does he always have to speak such perfect standard? Could he maybe put some inflection in there? To spice it up? God, computers are more fun to talk to than Bossman.
"Understood. Will do."
"Will you be updating the appropriate live documents and databases once you have finished your translation?"
"I was planning on passing it off to Martha."
"Her name is Marrffinianoa."
"All the humans here just call her Martha. She's fine with it and it's a lot easier for us."
"Very well. I shall leave you to your duties, Studious Farrell."
Cass restarted Baby's Got Scales by Farting Fireworks as she picked up the pile of not-quite-papers. English. Scout report. This is going to be interesting.
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UG Journey, Pre-Docking Scout Report, Aug 15, 2214 [Cycle 662, USOT 1, USRT 3]

Translated to Unity Standard Language by Cassandra Ferrell (Report UGSR-J-15-8-2214-T1)
[Translator notes added in square brackets]
Commanding Officer: Capt. Taylor Farrell Mission Brief: Explore Sector G31 for distress signals and pre-contact life
Captain's Log, July 23rd, 2214
First contact with the Zyshowins complete. I don't believe that they are ready for the Unity, but I carefully gave each of their continents a separate piece of technology, as per regulation FC-6 Revision 221. Placed a monitoring satellite in high orbit.
I have high hopes for the Zyshowins and believe that their polities will be able to work together well enough to build their first FTL spacecraft.
Captain's Log, July 26th, 2214
Detected an ohnonono fleet outside their registered territories. Found no official requests to move their fleet through lililiten space. Ordered crew to follow the ohnonono fleet in stealth mode. Submitted possible hostilities report to Star Rose Naval Command.
Captain's Log, July 29th, 2214
Received permission to follow the ohnonono fleet from Star Rose Naval Command. Star Rose Naval Command has requested the Journey to aid in any engagements should the ohnonono fleet prove hostile. I have confirmed that the Journey will aid under Unity Maritime Law ML-1 Revision 6. Request for proper orders has been sent to UGEC outpost Silent Watcher.
Captain's Log, July 30th, 2214
UGEC outpost Silent Watcher has relayed orders back from UGEC Space Force Command. Following orders to monitor and engage if hostile action is detected. Calculated ohnonono fleet's jump endpoint. Needed to vent heat after being in stealth for so long.
Captain's Log, Aug 2nd, 2214
Ohnonono fleet has warped into an unknown system. Remained in stealth and ordered the Journey to hide in the asteroid belt and deploy Quiet Mk. 9 reconnaissance drones.
Captain's Log, Aug 4th, 2214
Ohnonono fleet is moving to the 5th planet in the system. Dubbing system Rigger until further notice. Quiet drones report that Rigger 5 is in Goldilocks zone. Deployed Nightstalker 3 stealth kinetic defense drones. Ordered ENS Jenkins to calculate ohnonono fleet movements.
Captain's Log, Aug 5th, 2214
Received radio signals from Rigger 5. Ordered ENS Baker to get them deciphered and translated. Initiated Pre-Contact Protection Protocol PC-15-5 Revision 8.
Captain's Log, Aug 6th, 2214
Ohnonono Fleet has entered outer orbit of Rigger 5. Ohnonono fleet moved into bombardment position. One of the Quiet drones intercepted the countdown to bombardment. Ordered ENS Jenkins to coordinated the Nightstalkers to attack ohnonono fleet the moment their shields drop for glassing. Initial attack destroyed or disabled 15 of the 17 ships within the fleet. 4 glassing bombs were dropped on Rigger 5.
Dumped heat within the asteroid belt and performed a low gravity point warp behind Rigger 5's moon. Ordered Nightstalker drones to attack the remaining ships in offset volleys. Ohnonono ships were able to destroy 1/3 of Nightstalkers before their shields fell to kill range.
The Journey orbited the moon and lined up to take out the larger of the 2 ohnonono ships. Spinal cannon shot was effective and scored a kill on the larger ship. 1/2 of Nightstalkers remained. Final ohnonono ship attempted escape. ENS Baker suggested having the still stealthed Quiets ram the remaining ohnonono ship.
I approved of ENS Baker's tactic, which proved successful. Recalled surviving drones. Deployed marines to bombarded zones to handle standard relief efforts.
Captain's Log, Aug 8th, 2214
All deployed fireteams reported signs of intelligence, but no obvious natives. Supplies were left at all relief sites, as per Relief Protocol RP-5 Revision 3. Stg. Smith returned without pants and claimed to have had an accident. Assuming non-standard sapient species. Placed a monitoring satellite in high orbit of Rigger 5. Placed a Unity Relay Buoy in Rigger system. Placed 5 Eagle Eye Mk. 2 starship detection satellites in Rigger system.
Relayed events to UGEC outpost Silent Watcher. Asked for restock destination.
Captain's Log, Aug 9th, 2214
UGEC Space Force Command ordered the Journey to dock at Yadakulter Station and meet with UG Bismark II for resupply. Civilian merchant craft Queen has been commissioned to produce 16 pairs of replacement pants for Stg. Smith.
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Cass sat back, letting her hands relax for a moment. Looks like I got it all done in time. A few taps on the keyboard and a beep from the tablet dock and the full translation was sent to Tilbulter and Martha. Cass looked over the front page of the report again.
Looks like Dad will have some shore leave... UUUUUGGGGHHHH! I have to clean up the apartment.
Next

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[NOTE: In the grand tradition of Cereborn's Feature Fridays, this post is really, really long. I'm just going to warn you right now this might take multiple sittings. Also, this story contains mature content, but most of it is restricted to one particular scene that will have a NSFW warning when you get to it.]
[NOTE: Also, this post is literally too long for Reddit. Please refer to the top stickied comment for the conclusion.]
Farpoint Mining & Extraction vessel Gideon 0072-A, in orbit above PAX-2321; Aegis Stellar Year 3798 (52 years ago)
“It is remarkable,” said second science officer Pelly, examining the specimen that the ground crew had brought up from the planet's surface. “Getting assigned as a science officer on a mining vessel, you think it's just going to be a boring slog you need to press through in order to get the professional credits to do something interesting. I never imagined I'd have a discovery of this magnitude on my first time out. I'm not sure where to begin. What do you think, sir?”
“I think I'll let you take the lead on this,” said first science officer Rickard with a smile.
Pelly looked back with alarm. “You can't possibly mean that.”
“Let me know when you've got something to report. Or if you need assistance. But you're the ambitious one. If one of us is going to get a new species named after us, it should be the one who will live long enough to enjoy it. I'll be in the lounge.”
Alone in her lab, Pelly got to work. She had always known that she and Rickard were opposites. He was grey-haired and gregarious, while she was young and solitary. She valued his intellect, but was excited to tackle this problem herself too.
The specimen had been discovered in a shallow cave on PAX-2321 when the crew was setting up the extractors. In a world covered by sulphuric acid clouds, that hadn't supported life in at least 10,000,000 years, there was this crystalline block that appeared to have a preserved larval sac inside it. Pelly started by cutting away at the crystalline material. Examination showed that it was something similar to amber: an organic fluid that hardened into a resin. But its precise composition matched nothing in the database.
Then came the very delicate process of excavating the larval sac from within the structure. That took several days of solid work, and when she finally did so, she was surprised. The larval sac was still full of fluid. For more than 10 million years it had been sealed up, and still there was fluid. Within this fluid there were 14 larvae, about 8 mm wide and 40 mm long, floating inert. Examining the exterior of the sac, the membrane that composed it was still tough and resistant. But there was a sphincter on the top that could be penetrated and would then seal itself up again.
The fluid sample showed it was something like amniotic fluid, though with some other alien components. Then came the time to take a larval sample. She extracted one with a pair of forceps and laid it on her exam table. Carefully bisecting the limp form with her scalpel, she placed the flayed halves under her microscope and took a look. That was when she called Rickard back in.
“What have you found?” he asked, a little unsteady on his feet. He'd been enjoying the lounge a little more than advisable.
“Just look through here,” she said, ignoring his state. Then she stepped back and excitedly waited.
Rickard peered into the microscope, then his breath stilled. “Are these....”
“Neural pathways! It's like the entire larva acts as a brain. I've never seen anything like it.”
“But think of the implications. Would this grow into some giant, superintelligent insect? Could that have been the dominant lifeform here?”
“Maybe. I don't know if we will ever know for certain without undergoing a massive paleontological expedition on a planet with a corrosive atmosphere, and that doesn't seem likely.”
Rickard went in for a closer look on the larval sac, and then suddenly jumped back with alarm. “One of them just moved!”
Pelly sighed. “Rickard, I haven't wanted to say anything, since you're my superior, but I have been concerned about your drinking. This larval sac has been preserved in crystalline resin for millions and millions of years. I'm sure a keen scientific mind like yours would know it's absolutely impossible for....”
She stopped talking mid-sentence and stared in disbelief as one of the larva began to swim around in the fluid. While the others were all black, this one in particular was streaked with gold. As Rickard brought his face closer to the sac, the larva seemed to instinctively swim away from him. However, as Pelly got close, the larva changed tack and swam up to the membrane that was closest to her. As she hovered her face over top of the sac, the larva swam upwards and crawled out through the sphincter on its own. Once in the open air, it jumped at Pelly.
Both scientists stumbled backwards. Pelly was jitterbugging, pivoting in a circle, looking at the floor. “Where is it? Do you see it? Don't step on it!”
Rickard pointed with a shaky finger. “It's right there.”
Pelly turned to see the larva crawling along the collar of her labcoat. From there, it leaped onto her cheek, then skittered across her face, reaching her lip and tunnelling up her nose.
Pelly screamed.
******************
Two days later
“I hope you have some good news for us, doctor,” said Captain Brandt, speaking for the assembled 25 members of the Gideon's 26-person crew in the ship lounge.
“I'm afraid not,” said Rickard, his face drawn and sober. “Scans show that the alien has worked its way into her brain. Extraction might be possible with a proper Sapphire Dominion medical facility, but not with the infirmary we have here. Any attempts at extraction would doubtless be fatal.”
“And how is Pelly, herself?”
“Still conscious and coherent. Basically her regular self. I haven't noticed any change in behaviour or personality. She understands better than anyone the need for the quarantine and she is happy to remain isolated.”
“All right.” The captain nodded. “Grevin, how long until the extractor is running?”
“Should be ready in another two days, sir.”
“Good. So once the extractor is running, we set a course for the Aegis system and get Pelly some medical attention. Until then, keep her in isolation.”
“With all due respect, sir, you can't be serious.” Kurtz stood up from the huddled mass of the regular workmen, looking at the captain, the first science officer, and the lead engineer. “We have an alien lifeform on this ship that has already demonstrated its ability to infect humans. And your plan is to hang around for two days and then bring it home? That's insane.”
“Duly noted, Kurtz,” said the captain.
“I've had enough commanders say 'duly noted' to me in my life to know what that means. I know none of you guys at the top like making actual decisions, but you gotta get that thing out of Pelly's head right now. And maybe start asking yourselves how the fuck it got in there in the first place. And why the fuck the alien egg sac is still onboard”
“I accept responsibility for Pelly's tragic accident,” said Rickard. “I should have been enforcing better safety precautions. But no one could have predicted these life forms would still be alive after twenty million years in preservation. It's a bizarre anomaly. But science lab two will remain sealed to everyone, until the larvae can be delivered safely to another observation room. I will not condone destroying the last sample of an alien life form, even if there's a chance it poses some danger. The rest of the Sapphire Dominion's science community will back me up. And furthermore, I will make sure to keep Pelly safe any way I can, and then includes getting her to a proper hospital where she can be assessed for surgery.”
“And what if you can't get it out, then, and whatever is inside her infects the entire Sapphire Dominion?”
“Perhaps I'm over the line, but I just assumed that s first science officer I was more qualified to make such judgements than you were, deputy custodian.”
“Sorry. I didn't think I needed to spend my life looking through microscopes to understand how to keep people alive.”
“What you're suggested would kill science officer Pelly. Is that your idea of saving lives?”
“Don't talk to me about death! I was in the Battle of Beleriand. And I wasn't sipping tea inside a class-A battlecruiser like your lot was. I was on the surface. I was there when the hydrogen bombardment set the atmosphere on fire. We all dropped rank and formation to run hell-for-leather to the bunker. I was the one who closed the door. I closed the door with 163 of my company still outside. The others called me a monster. For 2.7 seconds they called me a monster, and then everything outside the bunker was incinerated. I closed the door with 2.7 seconds to spare because I made the decision no one else would. And of the 411 people inside that bunker, all but one of them got off the planet safely. Because of me. I know death. And I will do whatever it takes to survive.”
Kurtz stomped his way out of the lounge and back into the long steel-and-grime corridors that he knew so well.
Several hours later he found himself in the science wing of their colossal ship. There was no one around. No one to see him approach science lab 02 with his bag of tools. He opened up the panel on the door's electronic lock and began poking around in the internals.
“Deputy custodian,” he muttered to himself. “Let's see how smart you feel, you wiry fuck, after spending a day working in the ship's electrical system. We got parts from three different classes of vessel all jammed together working perfectly. It wasn't you top engineers who did that. It was me.”
There was a beep and the door slid open. Kurtz stepped into the science lab, and set his eyes on the alien larval sac, still sitting brazenly out in the open.
“Excellent containment measures, professor.”
All 12 of the little things inside were swimming energetically, oblivious to the fate that awaited them, as far as he could tell. He unslung a cutting torch he was carrying around his shoulder. He took a few steps toward the sac, not wanting to get too close, and then he lit it up, bring blue flame shooting in a jet 30 cm long. He angled it toward the disgusting alien goo bag and slowly moved it to within range.
He had no idea what hit him, but suddenly the torch was knocked from his hand and he felt a stun baton in his back. His whole body convulsed and he dropped to the floor, next to his dead torch. Back on the floor, he could only look up. His limbs failed him. And above him loomed Dr. Rickard. And in the old man's eyes there was a glint of something different. At once wild and calculating. He looked down and gave a slight smile.
“Son of a … bitch!” shouted Kurtz through his quivering vocal cords. “Those little fuckers got you too.”
“Yes,” Rickard responded simply. Then he reached over and stuck his arm into the larval sac, letting one of the creatures latch onto his hand, and withdrew it. Pinching the little creature's tail, he lowered it towards Kurtz's face. “And now you.”
“No. No!” Kurtz protested through gritted teeth. But his limbs were still paralysed by the stun baton and he could do nothing beyond a mild wriggling. The larval landed on his upper lip and immediately crawled its way up his know. He let out a horrific shout, but Rickard clamped a hand down on his mouth with surprising strength.
“Shhh. You have been given a blessing. You were chosen because we understand each other. You see, we also will do whatever it takes to survive.”
*******************
Two days later.
There was a frantic thudding of footsteps echoing through one of the many long and disorienting maintenance corridors on the Gideon. Captain Brandt came charging through it, his face slick with perspiration, nervously looking over his shoulder. As he ran, he limped, favouring his left leg, which was still leaking blood from a hastily bandaged wound. In his right arm he carried a G86 pulse rifle. Eventually he came to a stop. Checking the map on his wrist, he turned a corner and headed a little further, then stopped again next to a ladder. Then his map started beeping, showing red dots closing on him from the same direction he'd run from. Hurriedly he slung the rifle over his shoulder and climbed the ladder, opening the hatch and locking it behind him.
He emerged into another corridor and continued rushing, though his running slowed, visibly pained by his leg. He pushed through a door into a room that was bright and silver, opposed to the dark and grimy corridor he had been in. On the wall opposite him were at least 30 different panels, outlined in red lights that blinked at different intensities. Immediately he went to a terminal on the side wall and frantically entered a code. One of the panels slid open with a hiss, exposing its delicate electronics. Brandt stepped over to it, aimed his pulse rifle, and unloaded the remainder of his clip into it. Leaving the panel sparking and smoking, he loaded a new magazine and then pushed back into the corridor.
Finally he arrived at his ultimate destination. After entering the access code (twice, because his trembling fingers got it wrong first), the double blast doors slid open and he stepped into the main control centre. Here there was a large computer console that sat on a catwalk platform overlooking a vast, open chamber that housed their main fusion reactor. From here, he could see through the containment field to the miniature sun that sustained them. He took a key from a chain on his neck and inserted it into a slot on the console, then turned. That caused another panel to pop open, into which he entered a 12-digit code. That opened another panel that contained a red switch. He took a deep breath and then flipped it.
This Gideon will self destruct in T-minus ten minutes. Please evacuate all crew to the shuttles.
Brandt stepped back, picking out his key and throwing it off the platform, to be lost in the chasm. Then tilted his head back and laughed maniacally.
'Hear that, you fuckers?! I beat you! We're all going down together! I said you wouldn't take me alive!”
“Unfortunately, captain, taking you alive is no longer an option.” Pelly's slight figure appeared in the shadows from where the captain had come. “All 13 larvae are successfully bonded. The rest of the crew will have to serve as nourishment.”
Brandt aimed his pulse rifle and fired, but she ducked back into the shadows. Then two more of them came charging toward him. He fired at them, indiscriminately and unceremoniously. They were both loyal crewmen he had known for years, but now they were the enemy. He put them both to the ground and then retreated, exchanging magazines. As he looked up, Kurtz had descended from somewhere and lunged at him. He ducked out of the way and too shelter behind a column.
“If the real Kurtz is in there somewhere, I'm sorry. I should have listened to you. We should have torched that whole fucking thing when we had the chance.”
“The mistake was mine, captain. I thought the Ruszhkwllchæbhmh'llch were my enemy. I couldn't have been more wrong.”
Brandt peered from behind the column, and saw Pelly step into view by Kurtz's side. Something told him she was the most dangerous. So he stepped out of cover and fired at her. But with a roar, Kurtz moved with lightning pace and stepped in front of her, taking five bullets to the chest. He dropped to the floor just as Brandt was knocked to the side, the pulse rifle wrenched out of his grasp. Then he saw Rickard on his right side. There was an iron-firm grip on his arm, and then he felt these tiny tendrils snake their way under his skin. Then in another instant Pelly is in front of him, her hand on his throat, more tiny tendrils snaking under his skin.
“Captain, please know that your sacrifice gives us life.” As they held him in place, she turned towards Kurtz, bleeding on the floor. “Kurtz, come feed. You must heal yourself.”
“Yes, my queen.” He crawled toward them, latching onto Brandt's leg. And the three of them drained the life force out of him. Feeling his wounds already beginning to heal, Kurtz stood up.
This Gideon will self-destruct in T-minus eight minutes.
“Can you halt the self-destruct sequence?” Pelly asked him?
“I think so, my queen.” Kurtz rushed toward the computer console, prying up the panel and and going to work on the electronics.
Then another of their crew came rushing toward them, junior engineer Reyna. “My queen, there's a problem. Captain Brandt sabotaged the warp drive. We might be able to fix it, but we don't know how long it will take.”
******************
Farpoint Mining & Excavation vessel Gideon 0072-A, deep space; ASY 3799 (51 years ago)
Rickard entered the flight deck of the Gideon, looking pallid and stone-faced. He dropped to one knee. “My queen, I am so sorry. We've lost another one. Grevin. Taken by the hunger.”
Pelly, looking waif-like and frail, simply nodded. “My dear sisters. We were not meant to go hungry for so long.”
They had lost five of their 13 by now. Two killed by Brandt during the takeover, and three more in the past two weeks, wasting away from hunger. It had taken the better part of a year to repair the damage the captain had caused to the warp drive, but still they had only managed to restore it to low levels of warp capability. Given the vastness of the space they were, that meant they were still pretty slow-going. Brandt had been correct. They were never going to reach the Aegis system.
“It can't end like this, can it?” Pelly asked. “We survived forty million years in blue amber. I've failed you. My sisters. And my daughters who will never be.”
“Long-range scanners have detected something, my queen,” said Castor, in the pilot's chair. She was gaunt, and her hands trembled as he operated the controls.
Kurtz stepped forward from the railing he'd been leaning on, and he looked at the readings. “Warp signatures. More than one. That must be a port of some kind. Or a military base.”
“Let's hope it's the former,” said Pelly. “Set the course, Castor.”
It took another two days in low warp before they reached their destination. Kurtz took over piloting by the end, and Castor needed to be put to bed, to preserve her strength. All the surviving crew were on bed rest now, except for Pelly, Kurtz, and Rickard. They were the first to be blessed, and had fed more than the others in the takeover.
“It's three asteroids,” said Kurtz, “that seem to be functioning as one port.” He activated the comm link. “Hail, space station. We're a Gideon class mining vessel in desperate need of repair and resupply. We don't have a record of your location in our system.”
A voice came in over the comm. “Hail, Gideon. Welcome to Terminus. You're either very brave or very lost if you've just happened to stumble on us coming from that direction. Do you have a working shuttle?”
“We do.”
“Then bring it into the Erinys docking bay. Sending you the nav-key.”
Kurtz turned back to Pelly. “That was easy enough.”
His queen stepped close to him and put her hand on his cheek. “The difficult part is to come, I'm afraid. You're the strongest of us. I need you to go down to port and secure us a food source, by whatever means you can.”
**************
Kurtz brought the shuttle down in the docking bay, and then he stepped out. At first he felt a sudden grip of panic at just how many people there were moving around him. How long had it been since he'd actually been in a general population? Two years?
It was a bit chaotic, with crews loading and unloading, and other people wandering around with no discernible purpose. There was also a noticeable lack of armed guards. In a regular Dominion port there would be at least 20 armed guards in a space this size, and everyone would be moving in an orderly rank and file. So Kurtz simply began to move, eventually catching sight of an official-looking kiosk with a sign above it saying “Registry”. He stood in line behind a few people. Back in the Aegis system this would have been an exhausting process, taking at least an hour to go over manifests and documentation. But here people seemed to spend barely a minute at the window. When Kurtz came up, he was asked to give the designation of his vessel and the purpose of his visit, and … that was it. Truly remarkable.
“I wonder if you could help me,” he asked the official. “My ship has suffered terribly and we are very short on crew. Is there anyone nearby we could hire to come onboard and assist with maintenance. … Preferably without too much paperwork, as it's an urgent matter.”
The official barked a laugh. “I guess you're new to Terminus.” Then he pointed to his left. “The Vellikers, through there, clogging up the corridor and pestering everyone who walks past them for work. If you can bring them up to your ship and keep them there permanently, you'd be doing me a huge favour.”
Kurtz nodded and headed in the given direction. Through the door, he was greeted by the sight of a short biped, covered in grey fur that was darkened with soot and grime. He wore a pair of ragged overalls and generally looked a bedraggled derelict. But when he turned toward Kurtz, his cute, raccoon-like face twinkled with warmth and friendliness.
“Greetings, sir! Can you do with an extra set of hands on your ship today?”
Kurtz noticed several other people shuffled past without making eye contact, but he stopped and regarded the Velliker. “As a matter-of-fact, yes. I have a Gideon-class vessel in orbit and I desperately need some more hands up there. All the hands you've got to offer, I imagine. We can pay well.”
The Velliker was vibrating with excitement. “Hoo-ee! Yes, sir! My brother and I both worked on Gideons in the past. We know all the little ins and outs. You won't be disappointed, sir. Gingull's, the name. Just let me grab the others.”
Gingull ducked into what Kurtz had initially mistaken for a pile of trash, but was actually a tiny hovel constructed in the corner of this hall, built from scrap metal and old duct work. Gingull tittered in his own tongue, and then reappeared, along with five other Vellikers just like him, although mostly smaller and looking even more dirty and bedraggled. But their eyes all twinkled with the same excitement.
Kurtz led them back to the shuttle, moving briskly, keeping his eyes on the floor, given terse responses to the questions he was asked. Soon they were back in orbit heading towards the ship. The Vellikers all stared out the window with wonder, almost as if they'd never been in space before.
“It never gets old, does it?” Gingull asked. “I've always said, all I want in the world is to make enough money I can by myself a little habitat on the asteroid surface and just look at the stars all day. … Oh, but don't be thinking that means I'm lazy, sir. No, not me. I'm a hard worker through and through. You won't regret hiring us one little bit.”
As he brought the shuttle into dock, Kurtz lowered his head over the pilot console, and a stray tear rolled down his cheek.
You know what our queen said. We must do whatever it takes to survive.
Then the shuttle doors opened, and there stood Pelly, Rickard, and the others, who had barely had the strength to make it down the hallway.
“Oh, hello!” beamed Gingull. “Oh boy, it looks like you've had a hard journey. We know all about that. But don't worry one more second. We're here and we are all very excited to get to w—”
******************
Terminus station, asteroid Erinys; ASY 3807 (43 years ago)
The years since arriving at Terminus had done them well. They sold the Gideon to an unscrupulous salvage company that couldn't believe their luck and probably paid one tenth of what they stood to make selling off the pieces. But that was more than enough money to get them settled in a place like this. They purchased an apartment in the main Erinys habitat big enough to support the eight of them. They supplemented themselves by taking odd jobs. Rickard set up a small back-alley clinic. Reyna a small machine-shop. Kurtz traded in skills as both a mechanic and a mercenary, and sometimes both at the same time. And food was never scarce. The population of the asteroid was so transient that it was almost too easy to pluck victims here and there without drawing attention.
Kurtz had not gone out with the express purpose of hunting when he round himself wandering the far corner of the habitat, where it gave up the pretense to roadways and buildings and simply became a tangled maze of corridors overlapping one another. It was in one of these where he slowed his pace, feeling himself to be totally alone. But someone, very practiced at the art of this particular ambush, came scurrying out of a crawlspace and pressed a gun to Kurtz's back. … No, it wasn't a gun. Kurtz could feel the peculiar shape pressing into him and knew it was a cutting torch. That brought back memories.
“Your lumina, now,” spoke up a voice that sounded like it belonged to a boy of 16 or 17. But there was enough gravity in it to suggest he'd been at this awhile.
“I don't have much,” said Kurtz, pulling the chip from his pocket and handing it sideways, pinched between two fingers.
As the boy grabbed the lumina chip, Kurtz spun around, knocking the torch to the floor, and then pounced on him. The boy had little chance to struggle as a hand clamped on his face, and small tendrils hooked under his skin and drained the life from him. In another moment, it was over. Kurtz looked around at the mess of pipes and hoses and incomprehensible wiring that surrounded him. He lifted up a grate that opened to a very long shaft. He shoved the body in there and let it fall into the guts of some machine or another. Then he grabbed the cutting torch, because there was no reason to let it go to waste.
And then he saw the eyes looking at him from above.
He jumped up, and the small figure began scurrying through the ducts above him. He chased after it from below, turning one corner and then another. Reaching an intersection, he heard the sounds moving left and he followed. But suddenly they went still. Then there was a clatter and he saw drop down onto the floor a distance behind him. She immediately started running and he took off in pursuit. He followed her to a ladder, which she climbed in haste. That led to an overhead crawlspace to low to stand up. So Kurtz went after her on his hands and knees. She was quick and nimble, but having just fed, so was he. She disappeared into an alcove, sealing it off with a sheet of metal, but Kurtz was able to rip it off easily. Then he pushed in, finding her backed up against a corner, holding a small knife defensively.
“I'm not going to hurt you,” he said in as reassuring a voice as he could manage.
The girl, of maybe 15, was dirty, dressed in a ragged pair of pants and a tattered tank top that might have, at one point, been orange. Her body was frail and shaking, but her eyes were defiant. “You hurt Spider.”
Kurtz lowered his head. “I did. I'm sorry. You knew him?”
“We lived together. Here.”
Kurtz looked around and noticed a pair of dirty sleeping mats and a scattering of dehydrated food packets. Then he looked back at her, focusing on her eyes, trying to read behind them.
“So you were friends.”
She shook her head slowly. “He took me in after I escaped. But he charged me rent to live here. I don't have anything, so you can guess how he took his payment.”
Kurtz felt a shiver go through his body. Escaped? Escaped from where? But he didn't want to get drawn into this girl's history. “I'm sorry. Now, I leave you alone here, will you tell anyone about what you saw?”
“I don't know anyone,” she said simply. But then after thinking a moment, she added, “But I know what you are.”
“Oh, I doubt that.”
“Yes, I do. I've seen things like you in holo-films. You stalk the shadows, sucking the life out of unsuspecting victims, all the while blending in with society.”
Well, she's not wrong. “So does that make you afraid? To be this close to a monster?”
Then she laughed a bitter, humourless laugh. She shifted position onto her knees and lifted up her ragged tanktop, revealing the patchwork of scars that had been left over her torso.
“I've spent my whole life close to monsters.”
*****************
“This is ridiculous,” said Rickard. “Our rules are very clear. Leave no witnesses alive. That is how we survive in this place. Not only did you violate that rule, you brought her here! To the home where our queen lives!”
“She has no one to tell,” Kurtz spat back. “Look at her. You think any security officer is going to take her seriously if she starts telling stories about monsters in the maintenance corridors?”
“Oh, so you're content simply to roll the dice now? Good. Let's begin feeding in the middle of crowds on the Domos Market Plaza and hope the story sounds to ridiculous to be repeated! Fair point.”
“Silence!” shouted Pelly, a stern gaze falling on her bickering subjects. “Now, Kurtz, I want to be perfectly clear. Are you proposing that this human girl come to live with us?”
“She has suffered, my queen. And more importantly, she has fought. I thought perhaps it was time that we looked to the future.”
“Yes,” she agreed solemnly. “The future.” A hand came to rest on her belly, which had yet to show any signs of swelling with good life. “If my body was not too ravaged by the famine to bring the future forth.”
“It will happen, my queen,” Rickard reassured her, taking her hand.
Pelly brushed him away and came forward, letting her gaze rest on the girl. Studying her intently.
She is strong. She will make a good host. Not as a queen, I don't think. But perhaps a general.
“What is your name, child?”
“Fly,” answered the girl, her eyes cast downward.
“No, no. That won't do at all. I think I should give you a new name. Do you agree?”
The girl nodded.
Pelly leaned down and placed a kiss on her head. “Then I dub thee, Valkyrie.”
**************
Terminus station, asteroid Domos; ASY 3811 (39 years ago)
“I love it!” shouted Valkyrie. She scrambled nimbly up the stack of crates, then jumped, swinging on the girders of the warehouse roof, and landed on another stack of crates.
“I'm still not quite sure I understand why you purchased this building,” said Pelly strolling around, glancing at Kurtz sideways.
“Well, my queen, Valkyrie did some digging and discovered some interesting information. Val?”
Valkyrie hopped down to the floor. “This was a warehouse that stored Mennilein coils, which was a safe investment, because literally every repair shop was in constant need of them. But then the new hyperdrives made them obsolete. So here they sit, and the place is abandoned. And since it's abandoned, it's become popular as a venue for certain underground interests. The current one is that a bunch of sweaty labour workers come here after work and punch each other.”
Pelly nodded. “And now that you own this place what do you intend to do with it?”
“That's the best part,” said Kurtz. “Absolutely nothing. Just charge a little fee of the top for the guys who come in and watch. If that goes well, I'll start organizing fights and promoting them through some circles.”
“It sounds a bit barbaric, doesn't it?”
“Society is barbaric. And violence is a currency like any other.”
“Well, I don't expect I will take any pleasure in watching this, but if you think you know what you're doing, then I trust you.”
**************
[NSFW WARNING: the following scene contains mature content and suggestions of sexual violence. If that's something you'd prefer to avoid, then just avoid it and skip down to the portion that is stickied in the top comment.]
Terminus station, asteroid Domos; ASY 3812 (38 years ago)
The crowd roared and cheered, crying for blood. The 40 or so spectators were sitting on makeshift seats made from Mennilein coil crates that encircled the fighting ring. The two men inside were reaching the end of their ropes, and grappled together in a heap on the floor. One rose up, giving a last solid strike, sending blood spraying across the concrete. The champion roared with victory while the vanquished opponent was carried off.
That was the last fight of the night, and the crowd began to pick up and disperse. Valkyrie approached Kurtz where he watched from his platform above. He clapped her on the shoulder.
“Not a bad night, but I've had a thought. The next thing I want to do is set up a little bar or lounge off to one side for people before and after the fights. Stretch out the evening. And I know some of the guys are placing bets, so I need to get in on that action too. What do you....” He noticed a look of panic in Valkyrie's eyes. “What is it?”
“Do you see that man down there in the red jacket?”
Kurtz saw him. A bald, nasty-looking gentleman with a robotic right arm and a limp. “Who is he?”
“He's one of the men,” she said, her voice quivering.
“One of the men?”
She nodded. “I gave him the limp when I escaped.”
“Let's tail him.”
After he had gained her trust, Valkyrie confided in Kurtz about the place she had been held captive for seven years of her life, only escaping from a matter of weeks before meeting him. After much coaxing, she took him to where the place had been, but found it abandoned. The operation evidently moved to prevent her from leading anyone back to it. Ever since then she had had her eyes out. And tonight it happened.
It turned out they didn't need to tail him for very long. He turned down the alley and entered into a building right next to their warehouse. Valkyrie collapsed against the wall in disbelief.
“Right next to us? All this time they've been right fucking next to us?”
“We don't know that. We don't know how long they've been here. Now, focus. Can you guess how many are inside?”
“There were about twelve when I was there. Their customers would come and go.”
“Then I'll round up the others. And we'll feast.”
“Is it quick, when you do it?”
“Very.
“That's too bad.”
********************
It was the middle of the artificial night in their habitat, but that was when this nameless facility was busiest. The men with guns patrolled the hallways, keeping an eye on the girls in their cages. Customers were escorted in through a concealed back entrance and up a set of stairs. All was going smoothly, until suddenly the power to the building got cut.
There was a flurry of shouting and flashlights activating. “Where are the fucking backup generators?!”
There was a very brief scream and one flashlight clattered to the floor. Someone else started to shout out, but his voice was silenced. Then there was a hum as the backup generator kicked in and the lights flickered to life. One man had his gun raised, looking around frantically, and then Kurtz descended on him from behind.
Elsewhere, in a back office, there was another man readying his pulse rifle before the generators came on, his cybernetic eyes seeing perfectly well in the dark. He knew this was an attack, so he burst through his door ready to fire, but was surprised when all he saw was a petite, unarmed woman standing before him.
“Are you in charge of this place?” Pelly asked.
“Yes. Now what the fuck is going on?”
“Not anymore.” A tendril shot out of her hand, wrenching the rifle out of the man's grip, and then, moving like lightning, she was on top of him, her hand pressing into his face, tendrils sucking his life force.
Elsewhere, Valkyrie crept through the hallway with her pistol and a flashlight ready. She promised Kurtz she would stay out of the fighting, but there was something she needed to find. She knew that somewhere around here would be a room they used for current assignations, and there was no way it wouldn't be in use right now.
She burst through the door just as the lights flickered back on. There was a short, naked bald man with a fading erection kneeling on the floor. He put his hands up when he saw her, panic in his eyes. Close to him there was a naked girl of about 13, curled up and staring blankly, with a ring of deep purple bruising around her neck.
“Please let me go!” cried the man. “I didn't really hurt her! Honest! It's … it's … it's my first time here! Really. Just let me go and I'll disappear. You're never see me again.”
He closed his eyes and whimpered as Valkyrie drew closer with the gun. Only after he started pissing on the concrete floor did she pull the trigger and put the bullet between his eyes.
Then she turned to the girl, who was lost in the haze of the drug cocktail that kept them compliant. She reached out and took her gently by the hand. “Come with me. You're going to be OK.”
Meanwhile, Kurtz had put down another guard and broke through into a backroom. This sight made him gasp. There was a row of cages here, each one holding a young girl, curled up like an animal. With cold fury in his eyes, he went down the row, breaking each lock off, one by one, and opening the cage doors. In the cages he saw human girls, along with vulpoids, canoids, leporoids, Ignisians, and others. But as he got to the very last cage, all he saw was a bundle of grey fur. He crept closer, and it turned around to look at him.
It was a small Velliker girl, looking at him with wide eyes on her raccoon-like face. There was no spark of excitement there. Only dull pain. Feeling his throat tighten and tears escape his eyes, he extended a hand towards her. “Come, girl. You're safe now.”
They emerged from the cage room to see that Valkyrie was already rounding up all the rescues, talking to the ones who were willing and able to talk. When she saw the Velliker girl, she welcomed her into the fold. Then she walked over and gave Kurtz a tight hug.
“It can't always be like this, you know,” he said to her. “We're not heroes. We're monsters.”
“I know,” said Valkyrie with a sigh. “But can't we be heroes for today?”
Then she stepped away to lead the girls outside away from this nightmare. Then Rickard appeared at Kurtz's side and grabbed him roughly. “You need to see something.”
Kurtz followed to a back office where they had all gathered around and were looking at Pelly. At first he felt a grip of panic, thinking something was wrong, but then she looked at him with a bright smile. She was holding her shirt up, showing off the swell in her belly.
“It's finally happened.”