Hello there internet! I know you've all missed me. I just worked the FABULOUS Baton Rouge gun show right here in the heart of cajun country, and have I got stories.
Do you want to hear stories about dealers selling $350 SCCY 9mm pistols? Or Magtech 9mm for $550/thousand? Or how I sold 14 guns in one day for a new PB on saturday? Or how I set my gross sales for a gun show weekend PB?
No. You don't want to hear that.
You clicked on this thread for the stories. And stories you are going to get!
My loadout was epic. Glocks, HK's, Sigs, Colt 6920's, Springfield Hellcats, you name it I had it in stock. And priced accordingly. I set everything up the night before and I had even more stuff to bring in Saturday morning.
The PA crackled and announced all guns should be tied and ready to go and at 9AM the masses came in looking for deals. And in some cases, they found some.
I had one guy saunter over looking for an S&W M&P 15-22. I only had two left in stock and not enough space on the tables for them. He says he'll take one sight unseen, I do his paperwork and get his money and tell him to show up at the show tomorrow and I'll have it ready for him to pickup. He's got his ID and everything together and it's smooth sailing. $500 in hundreds and he's on his way. I run him through the computer and I've got an instant approval. Woo.
My login screen warns me that background checks are taking 24 hours.
I had a feeling this would happen. I velcroed a small dry erase board to the wall just above my table that states: ALL BACKGROUND CHECKS ARE TAKING ________ MINUTES to be updated as the day gets weirder. I wipe off the minutes part and write "24 HOURS" in red dry erase marker.
I can hear the crowd behind me gasp and go "24 hours? I need a gun NOW!" in their heads and the pro salesman inside my noggin cracks a smile, leans back in the eames chair and puts his feet up on the ottoman. I have just implanted the most powerful driver of sales ever: fear.
Boy howdy, did it work.
The next hour is epic. I write ALL my Gen 5 Glock 19's up at $850. I am sold out by 11AM. Everything is flying off the table. Shield 9mm's, Stripped lowers, EZ shields, $300 Ruger LCP's, $700 Glock 43's.
What's the best $850 gun? An HK VP9, Glock 19 or Kel Tec Sub 2000? Fuck if I know. I sold one of each of them at that price.
It is nonstop asses and elbows and cash coming in left and right. I cannot count the money and run 4473's fast enough.
Noon flies by and I'm unable to touch my roast beef sandwich. I'm wearing gloves and a mask. This fucking mask SUCKS. It STINKS. It's brand new and it smells god-awful like someone used it to wipe their ass before packaging it and selling it in the store.
I don't shake anyones hand but I do count the money. The first lull hits at 1345. I ask my numismatist neighbor to watch the table as I go to the bathroom and wash my hands several times. I scarf down my sandwich fast and by 3PM things have calmed down. Crazy day. People asking me over and over for Taurus junk, Glock 43X's, Glock 48's, Glock 19 Gen 5's etc.
1: Hey do you have a Glock Generation 17?
FC: I will be dead in the cold cold ground before Glock ships a generation 17
1: Oh I meant a Glock 17
FC: right here
1: Are you seriously asking $850 for a Glock 17?
FC: Not asking. Getting.
I gesture to the person filling out a 4473 who has just asked me to write up a Glock 17 Generation 5 MOS for $850 and he nods with affirmation that that is in fact the price.
It is explained to this guy that there is not a single dealer in the ENTIRE GUN SHOW that has ANY glock pistols for sale from the 17 buyer since he's gotten here. I am the only one with inventory left. I debate hiking my prices another $50 but decide not to.
Some more folks saunter up
1: Do you have a ruger RS 9?
FC: ruger does not make an RS 9
1: Sure they do! It's called the service 9 now
FC: Can you google a photo for me?
1: I only use duckduckgo
FC: Fine, show me what an RS 9 looks like and let me see
(15 minutes of furious duckduckgoing ensues with no results)
FC: Are you sure it's an RS9?
1: I'm positive!
FC: Are you sure it couldn't be something else?
1: It's an RS9! I'm sure of it!
FC: Look at this
(FC shows image of Ruger SR9)
1: That's it!
FC: See how it says SR9?
1: Yeah, service 9 right?
FC: No, SR9 is SR9.
1: Then who makes the service 9?
FC: I don't think that's a thing.
1: Sure it is!
(More fuckfuckgo ensues, and it is abundantly clear that RS9 = SR9 = Service 9 = Security 9)
I have an old lady and her husband walk up and she picks up a Glock 19. Asks me if I take trades. I say sure.
1: It's a ruger revolver.
FC: What model?
1: Ruger
FC: No, what model? You're saying hey, I own a ford.
1: Oh okay. It's a Ruger 38. It shoots 38.
FC: I need a little more than that. What kind is it.
1: Oh I see. It's a revolver.
FC: Your statement is like "hey, I need an oil filter. I have a ford car" - ford makes lots of cars, ruger makes lots of guns.
1: What would a model sound like?
FC: SP101, GP100, Single 6, 22/45, SR22, LC9
1: Oh I have no idea what it is
FC: Bring it in and I'll take a look. But I only trade when I can make money.
Wrote a Sig 1911 up for $1000 as my last sale of the day. I head home, I am beat.
My neighbors took advantage of the fireworks store and their buy one get 9 free special and have enough mortars and bottle rockets to simulate Falliujah, circa 2004. They're shooting fireworks well past 1AM. Fuck me to tears.
Day 2
I wake up late and get to the show late. I kick off the show 15 minutes late and I have a guy trying to buy a Glock 19 from me. His ID does not have his current address and does not match up with the 4473. He asks if it will be a problem. I say it's no problem just get me something with your current address on it before the firearm releases.
1: But the dealer on the other side of the hall had NO PROBLEM taking this ID!
FC: I've made a living on my attention to detail. The federal regulation book says you need current ID.
1: Never mind! Gimme my ID back!
He snatches the clipboard and rips his ID from the board and walks away in a huff. His girl tries to apologize. I roll my eyes. Not my circus, not my elephants.
The morning starts off slow, I'm sleepy but it's not a total snoozefest. A very nice lady came by and picked up a PWS Mod 2 without argument on the price,
I wrote up another couple guns before lunch. One person has the WORST HANDWRITING ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET. I mean, it's bad. I emailed my brother who works as a pharmacist and said "hey, can you read this?" and he said "It looks like it says 492 milligrams of penicilin? what am I reading?"
Yeah.
The rest of the show goes on, I write up a few more glocks and I deliver everything that I wrote yesterday once the background checks come back. Everyone is super nice and polite. One lady stops by and she cannot decide between the Glock 17 Gen 5 MOS and the Sig P238. She asks if she can get a deal on both.
I look up at her and her life partner and this is the precise moment I was waiting for all weekend.
You see gentle readers... some guys like to go get drunk and party. Others like to hang glide or skydive. They like that adrenaline rush. Me? I like the deals. I love to make deals. Nobody makes deals like this America. Nobody. Not China. Not Crooked Hillary. Not Lyin Ted Cruz. Believe me, these deals are going to make America great again. You will be sick and tired of the deals that I make. Unprecedented deals.
I gesture for her to come in a little closer and put on my best sotto voice.
FC: I don't normally do this, but just for you.......if you take both guns. I'll throw in one of these. I don't normally do this.
FC reaches under the table and pulls out a mega pack of Charmin Ultra Strong TP and places it on top of the PD trade in Glock 17's and 21's.
I slap the top of the package triumphantly.
FC: You two can have all the Chipotle you want with this bad boy!
1 looks at me with the "you cannot be serious" face
2 looks at me with the "you know this isn't a bad deal" face
1: Is this a joke?
FC: Nope! I'll write both of em up right now, you get the guns AND the TP!
1: This is......I don't even know what to think. Lisa?
2: That's Charmin.
1: Are you seriously considering this?
2: Everybody poops! Make the deal!
1 pulls out the Amex. I write up both the guns. They leave happy with their guns and TP. I'm sure it all fits in the back of the subaru outback.
I write up a few more items and near the end of the show, three guys show up. One is on the phone talking rapidly in a foreign language. He waves me over.
1: The police trade Glock 17's. This all you have?
FC: The three on the table is all I got.
1: I’ll take three of these Glock 17’s. Make me a deal.
FC: $2100 cash on all three.

1. CASH?

FC: Cash out the door.
1: Deal
(I hand over clipboard)
1, 2 and 3 begin talking in machine gun Romanian. 1 has taken a seat and 3 is filling out the paperwork. I say what the fuck. 3 keeps filling out the form. I rip it off the clipboard, Hand it to 1 and tell him to fill it out. He completes the form.
1: I only want one now
FC: you just said you wanted three
2: yeah If you’re not going to work a deal on three he only wants to buy one
Me: who is he?
1: I’m buying
Me: no, who’s the gun for?
2: it’s for his father
1: It's for me
FC: What?
1: it’s for me
2: It's for his father!
FC: then why isn’t your father here?
The looks on their faces tell me everything. They are shitty poker players. The phone and the machinegun romanian, he was a straw doing a buy on behalf of another party. I call shenannigans.
FC: These aren't for you are they?
1: They're for me!
2: They're for his father! come on! His father wants him to have a gun for him too
3: let’s get out of here we can take our money elsewhere gimme my id
Me: it’s not your ID, it’s 1’s ID. Who's ID is this?
3 tears the clipboard out of my hand, takes his ID off the board and I don’t speak Romanian but these guys are now pissed at me
Total people I’ve ticked off today: 4
I didn't choose this life. So now I've got a totally complete 4473 that I need to fill out for three PD trade Glock 17's. I look down at the address. It's three hours away.
It's in ATF Jane's district. You all remember ATF Jane?
Jane puts bad people in jail and likes Shake Shack. We get along SPLENDIDLY. In fact, I consulted her on the firearms/stalking/restraining order article I wrote about Megan and her Ex. She's a super professional federal law enforcement superstar in my book.
Well, time to make a call. I get her VM and leave her a message as I pack up everything and count my cash. 21 guns for the weekend. $13k in sales for one gun show at coronagunrun margins make me one happy boy.
My investments in the collapse of society are now paying dividends in spades!
I'm driving home and ATF Jane returns my call. I tell her the story about the Rumanian gypsy straw purchase ring I had to shutdown.
ATF: You have got to be shitting me
FC: Nope. The guys literally ran their mouth and made me shut it down.
ATF: What a bunch of idiots.
FC: Yeah, they were buying from a few dealers judging by their bags and their haul. I think there might be an investigation warranted.
ATF: Thanks for the tip! Let me know if I can help you out in any way!
I look down at my watch, it's 645PM and I'm too tired to cook tonight. I pull the F350 into the Olive Garden parking lot, head in for dinner and the place is PACKED.There's a few people in the bar but not too many, everyone wants tables. I can see other salesmen on their laptops so I know the wifi is up. This is a good sign. I take out my laptop and write this out in the bar from a high top as I feast on breadsticks and chicken gnocchi soup.
My phone rings halfway into my second bowl of creamy chicken gnocchi goodness.
FC: Go for Will
1: hey man, I saw your post on armslist
FC: Okay, how can I help you?
1: I need a gun. You got a glock fawty?
FC: What model? 22, 23, 27, 35 or what?
1: aw man you got more than one?
FC: I have four to five hundred guns for sale at any given moment. What are you looking for?
1: aw hell yeah! lemme tell you what i need! I need some dracos, mini dracos. got any?
FC: no, sorry. I just did the gun show this weekend and I sold out of a lot of stuff.
1: What about an AR pistol? You got any of those?
FC: I got one Sig 516 pistol left in stock
1: will that shoot 223 AND 556?
FC: Sure, chamber is cut wide enough
1: yeah that'll work. When can we meet? I got CASH. Straight cash yo!
FC: Why don't you come down tomorrow, I'll get your cash and do your paperwork. Three day wait if you don't have a concealed.
1: WHAT DO YOU MEAN PAPERWORK?
FC: You gotta do paperwork, is that a problem?
1: I'm looking for a STRAIGHT CASH DEAL man I don't want to do no paperwork, I want to just cash and carry same day!
FC: You want to make one trip and pickup?
1: Yeah man!
FC: Okay no problem, just give me your credit card and when your wait clears come in and pick everything up.
1: Yo I'm three hours away! Why you gotta make me do paperwork?
FC: What's the problem here? You don't trust me?
1: I don't trust you! I want to just give you cash to not do paperwork. Like I'll give you $1000 extra so I can get everything without a wait.
(Note: I'm having this conversation ON THE PHONE IN THE BAR of the Olive Garden with all the other diners in earshot. This is where it gets good.)
FC: Let me get this right. You want to pay me $1000 extra just so you don't want to have to do a waiting period and paperwork?
1: yeah! thats right!
FC: Why's that worth that much more to you?
1: I got a felony so I can't do no paperwork
FC: So it sounds like you got a felony and you got cash to spend and you want a no paperwork deal on a bunch of guns.
1: that's right! So can you help me?
FC: Where you at?
1: I'm outside Mobile, about three hours away
FC: Okay here's what I'm gonna do. I probably can't help you, but here's what I'm gonna do. Whats the best number for you? I got a buddy of mine from high school who works with guys like you all the time. I'm going to give him a call and give him your number and if he wants to meet up with you, he's gonna set that up - you're talking to him from now on and not me. Got it?
1: yeah man that would be great! have him call me or text me here's my digits (he gives me number and I write it down on a cocktail napkin)
FC: Okay I'll pass it along - no promises
1: thanks nigga!
I hang up the phone. I take a deep breath and smile.
So, I told you that story to tell you another story. Back when I was in high school, I was a real hellraiser. One of the guys that I went to Central High with went LE. He started as a sleepy road cop and promoted to narcotics detective. His claim to fame is busting a bigtime celebrity with drugs and basically made his career on that arrest. Since he was USELESS for undercover work after that he decided to go to the feds. He then spent about 5 years working with the state department and DSS doing all sorts of secret squirrel shit across the globe while paying DC rent for a capitol hill apartment he was never at. That got old. So he put in for a transfer. This is about 5 years ago back in 2015.
He decided to go to ATF and be major league doorkicker. He goes to transfer and they need a DEEP background check. Like someone that's known him for 10+ years from hometown. He's low on contacts from home and he facebook messages me. He asks me if I can call back the background investigator and do an interview. I say sure, no problem. I am the ONLY person that's still in the same town from high school and everyone else is dead/in jail/would not make a good person to contact.
The guy calls me, comes by my office and interviews me, asks me about my friend, I told him all the embarrassing stories from high school including the time he lost a bet, had to wear a dress and smear ranch dressing all over his face while holding a sign that said "NOT MILK! and we took polaroids. Yeah. Anyways, despite all that he gets the approval and the shiny ATF badge. He's now kicking down doors in an undisclosed location in a major gun/drug trafficking corridor of the US and up to his eyeballs in arrests.
The reason I told you this story? He went to police academy in mobile, was a road cop outside mobile and a narcotics detective outside mobile. He did is MPA and doctorate there. He still has lots of friends in southern law enforcement.
I pick up the phone and call him. No answer, VM.
FC: Hey Eddie, you still have friends at the Mobile County Sheriffs Department? I've got some low hanging fruit for them to pick.
The entire bar has heard the dialogue and the following voicemail message and cracks up laughing. I'm offered 2 beers (I show them my AA chip, thanks but no thanks) and I get a bunch of attaboys from the salesmen.
So, I call back ATF Jane. ATF Jane has some colleagues in Mobile that she can call and I CC Eddie on the chain.
Today, I didn't even have to use my AK.
I got to say it was a good day.
Brb. Lasanga.

JANE FROM FOREVER AGO Episode Two A Tenth Street Christmas
I was nineteen years old.
And life was good. I had recently moved out of my parents' house for the first time. I was now sharing a place with four of my best friends. There was Gabe the Gambler, Matt the Nerd, Brandon the Manwhore, and Tony the Troublemaker. Unfortunately, the only house that the five of us could afford to rent was in the absolute worst part of the city. The part of the city known as "Tenth Street".
My parents had tried to talk me out of moving to such a rough neighborhood. They said I'd get robbed and murdered. But I was young and stubborn. I wanted to be with my friends and have parties. So I refused to listen to them. I did, however, eagerly accept their moving out present to me. My very first cell phone. A Motorola RAZR. They wanted me to have it just so they could check in with me from time to time. And I definitely didn't complain. I mean, that shit was like the hottest cell phone out at the time. Just sayin'.
Anyways, everything to do with the new house started out awesome. Every night, my roommates and I had something fun going on and hot girls stopping by. But, unfortunately, it wasn't too long before we started running into problems. First, Brandon's car got broken into. Next, Matt had a package stolen off the front porch. And then one night, we actually caught some guy just snooping around and peeking through our windows. It was unnerving to say the least. Still, we tried our very, very best to make that house a home. Especially once Christmas rolled around.
My roommates and I really wanted to do something special for our first Christmas together. And after a drunken brainstorming session; we just decided on Secret Santa. We'd each pull the name of another roommate out of a hat, and then we'd buy him a super sweet gift. I pulled Gabe's name. And I was kind of upset. Not because I disliked Gabe or anything. Mostly just because I had no idea what I was going to get him. But I knew it had to be something awesome. So, one afternoon, about a week before the holiday; I went to the mall to track him down the perfect present.
I arrived at the mall and began walking around. After checking out a few stores and finding nothing, I decided to take a break and grab some lunch at the mall's food court. I got my tray from Taco Bell and sat down to eat. At first, I felt a little insecure about dining all alone, but I glanced around, and I noticed a number of other people also sitting by themselves. And that made me less uncomfortable. One of the people I noticed was a girl seated only a few tables away from me. She had her back to me, and I kept waiting for her to turn around so I could tell whether or not she was hot. Finally, she turned her head ever so slightly, revealing her face...and my heart completely stopped. It was Jane Lastname.
It had been a little over two years since that party where I had first reunited with Jane Lastname, my old childhood crush. And I hadn't seen or spoken to her since that night. I had imagined running into her again so many times, but I never thought it would actually happen. However, here she was. No more than thirty feet away from me. I took a second to get my shit together. I tried to track down all of the charisma and charm that I had inside of me. Then, I just stood up, grabbed my tray, and walked over to her table.
"Hi, is this seat taken?" Jane looked up to respond but then froze. That magical smile of hers began to slowly creep across her face. "IAN!" "Hi, Jane." She jumped out of her seat and immediately hugged me. The same way she had hugged me two years prior when we had first reconnected. "I can't believe it! What are you doing here?" she said, visibly overjoyed. "Well, I'm at the mall, Jane. So, ya know...I'm golfing." "Haha. Shut-up." "Sorry. But yeah, I'm just kinda shopping. Taking a quick lunch break." "Yeah, me too. Sit down. How have you been?"
I joined Jane at her table, and we started catching up while finishing our lunch. We talked about inadvertently getting separated that fateful night a couple of years ago. We talked about all the stuff that was currently going on in our lives. We again talked about our pets. Even though we hadn't seen in each other in forever; I felt like I was having a conversation with one of my best friends. Plus, there was that damn smile, man. It was just so pretty. It once again began sending fireworks exploding throughout my body every time it flashed across her face.
Jane revealed that she was at the mall trying to find the right Christmas gift for her friend and coworker, Jasmine. I explained that I was there looking to complete a similar task for my roommate, Gabe. So, after we were done eating, I suggested that we finish our shopping together. And she gleefully agreed.
We ended up walking around the mall together for hours. We stopped in almost every single store and just kinda screwed around. It was so much fucking fun, man. We weren't even really shopping. We were just talking, and sharing stories, and making each other laugh. We each kept coming up with horrible suggestions for the other person to buy their friend. She tried getting me to buy Gabe every Meg Ryan movie ever on DVD. I tried getting her to buy Jasmine a $300 gift certificate to the mall's soft pretzel stand. In reality, neither one of us were getting anywhere near finding an actual present. But we were both having too great of a time to care.
The mall was crowded with other holiday shoppers and completely decked out with festive lights and decorations. Soon, Jane and I came upon the classic staple of Christmastime shopping...SANTA! We stopped to watch some of the little kids sit on Santa's lap and tell him all the crazy presents they hoped to find under their tree. Unfortunately, it wasn't too long before Santa noticed us and shouted over. "Well, Ho Ho Ho! Look at this cute young couple. How would you two lovebirds like to have your picture taken on Santa's lap?" I laughed, but quickly interjected. "Thanks, Santa, but we're actually not a..." I was cut off by Jane. She grabbed my hand and started pulling me towards him. "C'mon. It'll be fun." She smiled that damn smile at me, and I couldn't protest. We climbed up on top of Santa's lap, and posed as the photographer snapped our pic. Afterwards, I paid an extra few dollars for a second copy, so we could each have one. It really was an adorable picture. We both just looked so happy.
We kept walking around the mall and making silly jokes to each other. We eventually came upon a little sports memorabilia store. I had earlier described Gabe as being a big gambler, and Jane pointed out a really nice set of poker chips for sale. I realized that they would actually be like the perfect gift for him. I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of it. I bought them, and we continued strolling through the mall. Soon, we came across The Disney Store. We went in and began browsing, when I noticed a pair of Princess Jasmine pajamas. They looked just like the outfit that the cartoon Jasmine had worn in Aladdin. Jane loved them and thought her friend would find them hilarious. She bought them, and then we both celebrated the fact that we had actually managed to find presents.
Before we knew it, we had spent the entire afternoon and most of the evening together. We covered every square inch of the mall. We finally returned to the food court where our journey had first begun. I knew our time would be coming to a close soon, so I decided I'd better make a move. "Well, Jane, I guess it's almost time for us to be calling it a night. Unless you wanna do another few laps just to make sure we didn't miss anything?" "Haha. Yeah, screw that. I'm officially shopped out. Plus, I'm pretty sure they're going to be closing soon." "Yeah, I know, I'm just kidding. But, umm, I just wanna say; I really had fun with you today. I'm so glad we bumped into each other." "Aw. Ian. I had a lot of fun today too. You're so damn funny. You really make me smile." "Well, I'm glad, because you have a really, really pretty smile. It does this whole firework thing to me." "Haha. Aw. I'm not really sure what that means. But, thanks. We should hang out again." "We definitely should. What are you doing next week? Wanna grab dinner or something?" "Well, I actually have this Christmas party at my friend's house on Thursday night. It's probably going to be kinda lame or whatever, but, umm, would you maybe wanna be my date?" "Absolutely I would, Jane. I fucking love lame stuff." "Haha. Perfect. Let me give you my phone number."
I pulled out my Motorola RAZR cell phone. I'm not gonna say Jane was impressed by it, but I assume she was. I mean, after all, it was like the hottest cell phone out at the time. Just sayin'. Anyways, she gave me her number, and I programmed it in. I asked her where she had parked her car. I was parked in the same general area, so I offered to walk her out.
It was dark, cold, and snowing ever so lightly outside. Jane grabbed my hand so she wouldn't slip as we stepped off the sidewalk and into the icy parking lot. We continued holding hands until we made it to her car. I knew it was time to say goodbye. But I just really wanted to kiss her. So I went for it. And there in that moonlit mall parking lot, as snowflakes danced to the ground around us; we shared the type of kiss that you would usually only see at the very end of an old Hugh Grant movie. Afterwards, Jane made me promise I'd call her to setup plans for her friend's party, then we finally said our goodbyes, and she drove off.
I left the mall that night in one of best moods of my life. I could hardly contain my joy as I drove home. I thought back to the evening of that party a couple of years ago. I remembered thinking, that night, that maybe Jane could possibly be my soulmate. And I'm still not saying I thought she WAS my soulmate. But, seriously, what were the odds of the two of us running into each other like that today? And then having that much fun just walking around the mall? And then sharing what can only be described as the most perfect first kiss of all time? I just couldn't help thinking that maybe it was fate. Maybe we were just meant to be together. Maybe she really was my soulmate.
I was still lost in my thoughts when I made it back to the parking lot by my house. There was no overnight parking on Tenth Street, so my roommates and I would always use this parking lot about half a block away. I couldn't wait to get inside and tell them all about my day. I wasn't sure if Gabe would be home or not, so I decided to leave his gift in my car just to be safe. I found a parking spot, hopped out, and happily began the short walk to my door.
I wasn't really paying much attention as I made my way to the house. I was just whistling a Christmas carol. And thinking about Jane. And our kiss. And calling her to set up our soon to be first date. When suddenly..
"Hey, man. You got the time?"
I looked up. There were two guys walking towards me on the sidewalk. Two very big guys. I should've thought about things for a second before replying. But I didn't. I was just feeling really awesome, and they were simply asking me for the time. So, I said, "You betcha." Then, I pulled out my Motorola RAZR cell phone. Ya know, the hottest phone out at the time. And I held it up in front of the two very big guys. Who were going for a walk. Late at night. In the middle of winter. Through my really bad neighborhood.
"It looks like it's just after 10 o'clock, guys." "Hey, that's a really nice phone." "Oh, thanks. It's actually a Motorola RA--"
I never got that last syllable out. Everything happened so fast. I'm honestly not even sure which of the two guys hit me. But one of them suddenly did. Right in the stomach. Really fucking hard.
The punch instantly knocked the wind straight out of me. I dropped my phone and fell to the ground in unimaginable pain. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. I couldn't shout for help. I couldn't do anything. I could just lay there coughing. And I could simply watch, through my tear-filled eyes, as those two fucking assholes picked up my phone, laughed, took off running down the street, and eventually disappeared into the night.
I stayed there, lying on that cold sidewalk, crippled by pain and struggling to catch my breath, for what felt like an eternity. I couldn't even believe what had just happened. I fucking loved that phone. I just felt like crying. And then I realized something. It wasn't only the phone that I had just lost. I had also just lost Jane Lastname's fucking number! And that's when I actually started crying.
I eventually crawled to my house, made it inside, and explained to my roommates everything that had happened. They all flipped out and got super pissed about it. Except for Gabe. He was pretty pissed; but he was also just really happy that I had left his Secret Santa gift in my car, and that it was safe. I ended up calling the cops and filing a police report, but nothing ever really came from it. I also called my parents. They had always said I'd get murdered and robbed living on Tenth Street. It sucked, but I had to tell them that they'd only really been half-wrong.
The next few days I did everything I could do to try and come up with Jane's number. But I never did. She wasn't in the phonebook. I couldn't find her on MySpace. I even called my brother to see if he happened to have her brother's number from when they played hockey together like ten years ago; but he obviously didn't. I searched far and wide, but I just couldn't find a way of getting in touch with her.
And so that was it. Thursday arrived. The day that we were supposed to be going on our first date together. But since I had no way of reaching her. There was no date.
Well...at least not yet.
THE END
Jane From Forever Ago will return with Episode Three: Ian and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Break-Up

Collection, listed top to bottom & left to right:
Small Shelf (Party Games and Two-Player Games):
ShoBu (set up on top)
Patchwork, Scattergories, Taboo, Skull, Avalon, For Sale, Tak, Santorini, Jaipur, 7 Wonders Duel (with pantheon expansion), regular assorted dice
Pentago, Lost Cities, Wits and Wagers, Sherrif of Nottingham, Dixit, Magic: The Gathering, Hive Pocket (with mosquito expansion), Coup, No Thanks, Mascarade, Secret Hitler, regular playing cards & poker chips
Big Shelf (Multiplayer Strategy Games):
Citadels (2016), Azul, Terraforming Mars, Mission Red Planet (2nd Ed), Race for the Galaxy, Carcassone, Five Tribes, T'Zolkin, Bloodrage
Wingspan, Dominant Species, Evolution Climate, Terra Mystica, El Grande
Dominion, Smallworld, Keyflower, Roll Player, The Castles of Burgandy, Orleans, Seasons, Concordia, Twilight Imperium (4th Ed)
Lords of Waterdeep, Cyclades, Inis, Puerto Rico, Lords of Xidit
Any Prized Possessions?
My 100% hand made Sho Bu board, created & wood burned by a friend
Anything not pictured above?
Yep! Diplomacy, Ticket to Ride: Europe, RWBY Combat Ready, Neuroshima Hex, and 7 Wonders are all elsewhere at the moment.
How long have you been involved in the hobby?
I've been playing modern board games since the early-mid 2000's, but I didn't really get into it and start building my own collection until the early 2010's.
What's your Favorite game that you own?
How do you even begin to judge that? If I were to sell all my games except one, I'd hold onto my version of ShoBu. But that's just because it's personal. So what if I lost my entire collection to fire/flooding, and I could just afford to buy one game again? I'd pick something that played well at a wide variety of player counts, was accessible to newer games while still fun for experts, and offered good variety from game to game, like Cyclades. But, if I was to use a different criteria and, say, pick the game I play the most, that would certainly skew me towards an ultra portable shorter game I'd often play multiple times each time it I break it out, like Hive. If I were just to count the number of times it was brought out my gf and I have about an hour a day for games most days, so it would probably skew towards a medium length game the plays well at two players, like Citadels/Inis/Castles of Burgundy. If I were to judge which game I think it would take me the most hours to get board of, it might be something like Dominant Species or TI4, but neither of those make it to the table often due to their length (although COVID has let us play a lot of dominant species recently) and ideal player counts. And that entirely ignores party games, which are a whole 'nother beast! Honestly, I'm really curious, what criteria do you use to judge which game is your "favorite"?
What would you change about your collection if you could?
More Games!!! Actually, I'm pretty satisfied with my collection right now, and I don't really feel the need to add anything right now. There are plenty of games on my wish list, but only a few of them are games that I like enough actually justify adding. The rest just wouldn't get played often after the novelty wore off. Some of the games at the top of my wish list that I believe would get played regularly include Shogun, Glen More, and other out-of-print games that are currently too expensive to justify. I'd trade/sell diplomacy, but all my other games either get played on a regular basis or were gifts that I can't get rid of in good conscious.
That being said, if there's anything you think I'd love based off my collection, I'm open to recommendations.
What's your newest game?
Terraforming Mars. I like it enough, but it baffles me how highly it's rated. I'm honestly not a huge fan of any of BGG's top 5.
You Mentioned Magic: The Gathering, but that's not very specific.
I just have a couple of low power kitchen table decks that are fun against each other. I do play a lot of magic, but I'm pretty over constructed formats (including EDH) and I mostly just draft my playgroups cube a few nights a month. I think the fact that cube is much more like a traditional board game than a tcg is a big reason it's held my interest.
Please feel free to ask me any questions!

That reminds me of a story.
After that last one, I thought you might all enjoy a short follow up.
After Al, Chuck, Leo, returned to their other lives back in the world, they kept getting requests from various Agencies and Bureaus for more mine closure data, mostly focusing upon lines of documentation. The various Bureaus desired monographs, road guides, technical reports, and most importantly, detailed step-by-step “How To” manuals.
My guys, now my fully credentialed doctored colleagues, were predictably reticent to write up “How To” manuals for something that was obviously not of their authorship nor inception.
“Fuckin’-A, Rock,” Leo tells me in a phone call, “They want me to fuckin’ basically claim-jump you writing up mine closing procedures. What’s with these goatfuckers? They figured they paid you enough and are now trying to run a goddamned end around? Collective shitheels. No fucking way I’d even think of crossing, even accidently, the Motherfuckin’ Pro from Dover.”
I replied that I had no idea, as after the initial contacts after the field season, I had heard precisely dick from any of the bureaus. Which is fine, as I’m busier than a one-armed paperhanger in a windstorm getting ready to shift the family some 12,700 kilometers east.
I thanked Leo for the intel and told him not to worry, it’s just bureaucracy misfiring at its finest.
“Fuckin’-A, Bubba,” replies Leo as he hangs up.
It suddenly goes all dusty in my office. “I’ve trained that boy well,” I sniff and chuckle heartily.
A short while later, Al wrote me that he’s been contacted by the Bureau/Agency and they are desirous that he lead a field trip with a gaggle of professors from various universities. They are also not all geologists, but Environmental Scientists, Hydrologists, something called an “Environmental Engineer,” and other forms of societal detritus.
He tells me that they wanted him to lead a group of these characters out into the desert for a couple of weeks and show them the mine closure procedures which he developed.
He was most adamant in assuring me that they contacted him, and that the terminology was also theirs. He was already otherwise engaged, so he naturally had to decline. However, he made it abundantly clear that he would never even entertain such a notion like the one they had posited.
I wrote him back, as he was down in Patagonia doing something more or less interesting and/or exciting, thanking him for the information and wishing him well on his expedition. Since he was in the field, I also included a couple of the recipes we enjoyed back in the Nevada desert.
He later tells me that the Gauchos he was working with down there have never heard of Pineapple Upside Down Cake and they absolutely were delighted by it. Come to find out, they also like potato juice and citrus drinks as well.
“Good ol’ Dr. Good-deed. Aide to all men.” I pondered.
I talked with Esme about all this and she was of the opinion that either they knew I was headed east or they wanted me to have some time off. I had been doing a lot of ad hoc work for both Agencies and Bureaus over the last few years.
“Of course,” I replied, “Never ascribe to malice what can best be defined by governmental bureaucracy and officiousness.”
So, time puttered on.
We were holding weekly ‘GROJ (Get Rid Of Junk) sales’ on our weekends. Since everything electrical we possessed was 120 VAC, and the rest of the world, it seems, is 220 VAC, I had to part with all my antiquated electronics. My Fisher Studio-Standard stereo system, Akai reel-to-reel 16-track tape machines, EMI TG12345 MK IV recording console, and Harmon-Kardon turntables and amplifiers.
It was painful. However, I rationalized, if I were to stick them in storage for a decade or two, I’d have re-paid for them via rental fees a couple or three times over. Plus, and all that sitting unused in a storage locker certainly wouldn’t be good for these vintage electronical gizmos.
Still, it was a painful time to pack them into the back of someone else’s vehicle.
I had to take all my firearms to my Brother-in-Law for safekeeping. Since he’s in Kentucky, he was both happy to accept and vowed to give them regular workouts. Even though he’s some form or another of mechanical engineer, I guess I could trust him.
One day, the home phone rings. It’s Chuck and he’s livid.
“Rock!” he hollers, “You know what those chapped bastards at the Bureau want from me? They want me to step in on your turf, and take a clan of idiot pseudo-geologists out in the field for a couple of weeks and train them in mine closing. Can you fucking believe that?”
“Chuck,,” I say, “Whoa. Cool down. Leo and Al report the same, so it just looks like you were next on the list. So, going to take them up on their offer?”
“Don’t make me laugh, Doc!” Chuck asks, “First: I’m busy. Second: I wouldn’t have the foggiest idea how to handle logistics, camping, explosives, and all that other bureaucratic horseshit you somehow put up with. Third: I really don’t want a midnight visit from you and your bag of tricks because I’ve pissed you off by taking credit for what’s rightfully yours.”
“What is the fucking deal?” I ask Chuck, “I’m not like that at all. Everyone thinks I’m going go out and frag them because the Bureau asks them to do a job I did previously. Damn, I’m the most laid-back, gregarious, and even-tempered person on the planet; and I’ll mutilate the miserable manky motherfucker that says I’m not.”
Chuck laughs nervously.
“Hyperbole aside,” I continue, “It’s just that they know I’m headed out to the Middle East and don’t want to bother me right now; I suppose.”
“Umm, Rock,” Chuck clears his thought, and gulps, “That’s not the reason they told me.”
“Is that a fact?” I ask, “What did they give as a reason?”
“Now, Rock, don’t take this wrong. This is Bureau-speak, not me,” Chuck wants to make the point vodka-clear, “But they felt you were the wrong person to lead this group of ‘scholars’. They were concerned with your…”
Hesitation.
“Spill it, Chuck,” I say.
“Demeanor,” Chuck says, “Your conduct, your deportment, your behavior…”
“I see someone got a Thesaurus for Christmas,” I said.
“Rock, that’s them, not me,” Chuck continues, “They said you are too ‘wild and wooly’ to conduct this field expedition of ‘noted scholars’.”
“Is that a fact?” I ask, rhetorically.
“Just reporting to you what they told me, Bossman.” Chuck offers.
“I appreciate it, Chuck. Thanks.” I reply, “Don’t sweat it. I’ll take it from here.”
You could hear an audible expression of relief when we broke connection.
After a couple of cocktails, I had simmered down a bit. Esme says that I need to call my Agency buddies and get the lowdown on the situation, as they’ll know what’s going on.
For once, Esme is also very, very pissed off about the whole situation. Mama Bear’s claws were getting sharpened.
“You are gone for months,” Es exclaims, “Train a bunch of greenhorns, exceed project requirements by over 200%, supply crucial scientific data on forensic activities, and take out a disaster they didn’t even know existed in that mine with the locker full of explosives!”
“Yeah,” I reply, “Does seem a wee bit unappreciative.”
“And then they pull this kind of shit!,” Es yells further, “Those ungrateful bastards. Fuck ‘em. Let them stew in their own futility. They call and you tell them to get stuffed. After all you did for them…”
“Now, now, Dearest,” say, “Let me call Rack and Ruin. If anyone has the skinny on all this, they’ll have all the latest dope.”
“Bastards!,” Es cries, “You damn near get killed several times over and this is their thanks?”
“Yeah, I know, Darling,” I say, “Does seems a bit ungrateful and duplicitous.”
Esme hands me the phone.
“Phone. Call. Now.” She orders.
Looks like I just got my marchin’ orders.
“Yes, my love,” I reply. Even I know when I’m out-matched.
RING RING RING
Agent Rack answers and we go through the usual pleasantries…
“What the flying fuck you mean ‘I’m too dangerous’?” I question Agent Rack.
“Well, Doctor,” Rack tries to explain, “Your ‘cavalier’ attitude towards explosives. More of your ‘relationship’ with them. Not showing the proper deference…”
“WHAT?,” I roar, “Ask anyone that has worked with me in the field! ‘Safety first, last, and foremost’. Just that I don’t fret and quail around explosives like a bunch of phonophobic, jumped-up, wet-pantied shuddering schoolgirls, when I have to demolish something, doesn’t mean I’m anything other than a goddamned consummate professional.”
“Plus, Doctor, ” Rack continues, “It’s not the 1880’s any longer. A Stetson? A sidearm? A .454 Casull Magnum at that…”
“You have got to be yanking my crank here, Rack.” I angrily reply, as I really hate it when someone calls me Doctor like that, “The hat keeps the sun off my head so I don’t get addled like those fuckers you’re talking with at the Bureau. The sidearm is for safety. Oh, yes; there’s that word again. It’s a fucking tool, just like my Estwing hammers or my galvanometer.”
“Can’t kill anyone with a galvanometer,” Rack replies.
“But I could with a hammer, myriad ways” I reply, “And give me five minutes, I’d figure out a way to ‘extract’ someone with a galvanometer...”
“Doctor, do let me let you talk with Agent Ruin; I’m needed elsewhere,,” he tells me.
Agent Ruin takes the phone. It’s the old Agency Two-Step.
“Doctor is distraught,” he observes.
“No, ‘Doctor’ is just plain damned mad.” I reply, “They contract me for a job that has never been attempted before and I complete it beyond their wildest expectations! This is my recompense?”
“Well, Doctor,” Ruin continues, “I’m sure it’s strictly a business decision. It’s obviously nothing personal.”
“It sure as fuck sounds personal,” I gripe back, as now I’ve gone from annoyed to genuinely pissed off, “I’m surprised they didn’t say something derogatory about my Hawaiian shirts.”
“Oh, they did,” Agent Ruin lets slip.
“Oh? OK, Fine. That’s is then,” I reply, “The joyfulness of this whole experience has left the building. Tell them to strike me from their fucking list. I’m done with them. I wash my hands of them. I’m off east anyways. Fuck that bunch of paper-pushing, deskbound, pencil-necked dickheads. Fuck them. Fuck them solid. Fuck them ‘till they bleed.”
“Strong message to follow,” I add.
“Doctor,” Agent Ruin reminds me, “Do I need to remind you that all our conversations are recorded?”
“Oh, fuck no. I know that. So fucking what?” I growl, “Like I’m going to get tossed in Guantanamo for expressing a personal opinion? I can still do that in this fine country. Or has the First Amendment been repealed in my absence?”
“Doctor, you’re obviously agitated,’ Ruin adds, “Perhaps we’ll talk again later when you’ve calmed down before you head to the Middle East.”
“Yeah, about that,” I reply, “You shady characters can cross me off your fucking list as well. You’ve done nothing for me on this latest concern. Nothing! You couldn’t even give me the courtesy of a motherfucking heads-up. Guess that tells me all I need to know about the future of our relationship. Goodbye, Agent Ruin. Give Agent Rack my ‘Da Svidonya. I won’t be answering your calls any longer.
“Doctor, I, um, wait…”Agent Ruin sputters.
I continue: “And as long as I’m at it, tell that other Bureau to go hang as well. They want more data or shit from me, tell them to go find it elsewhere. And also tell them good luck with that. The three experts that exist in the world apart from me already told them to get bent. At least they possess loyalty and a dollop of comradeship. I’ll be shipping your phone and other items back via parcel post. Hasta la vista, Herr Ruin. Have a day.”
CLICK-KER -FUCKING-SMASH! I hang up in the rudest way possible.
“Clapped-out assholes,” I muse. “All those years of working together. All those years of building relationships around the world. It’s all kyboshed over a fucking Hawaiian shirt. I guess it was inevitable. Either I became too specialized or evolved myself out of being useful to them. Ah, well, their loss. Can’t be helped…”
I take a healthy swig right from the prime vodka bottle. OK, several.
“FUCKERS!” I scream at the wood-paneled ceiling, shaking my fist in vehement rage at the clouds coolly cruising by outside my window.
Esme doesn’t come running. She doesn’t have to. She knows the score.
I ship the Agency’s toys back to them with a terse note: “Thanks for all the nothing. Here’s your shit back. Dr. Rocknocker. PS: Get stuffed.”
Not my best effort, I’ll agree. However, I was really pissed at that point.
Now I have the time to devote solely to relocating my family and I overseas. Gad, there’s so much crap one must go through. What to sell, what goes in storage, what to trash, what to give away…the lists are endless.
First to go are all my power tools. Fuckbuckets. It took me decades to amass that collection. I got a good price, sure, but now I’m more or less without a hobby. We decide to put all Esme’s lapidary equipment in storage. It’s too specialized to generate much interest, much less a decent price. Besides, they won’t rot in our absence.
I can ship my fishing gear and golf clubs overseas. They’re American, but at least not 120 VAC.
Our house goes on the market and we have to get it spiffed to within an inch of its life. Got to have that ‘curb appeal’. Good, let someone else do it, I’m busy. More unexpected expense.
I give our house contractors out in New Mexico their marching orders. It’s going slow and will be a seasonal thing, but they guarantee me the house will be ready by next summer if they can source the slabs of Baraboo Quartzite I want. Splendid, that’s something I don’t have to follow up on every day.
Then there’s our aquarium. 250 gallons of treated Houston water, loaded with native Texan fish and a couple of cranky Jack Dempseys. All the gear, filters, pumps, water polishers, heaters, treaters, all of it. Has to go.
My ex-Utah Mormon drinking buddy down the road expresses interest. I basically let him have it gratis on the one condition he takes everything, fish included. He has to keep the fish alive and happy their entire lives. I’ve raised some from minnows and have grown attached to a couple of the gaspergou and a certain smallmouth bass with those big brown eyes…
Digger, my stalwart mechanic, is going to purchase my truck. It’s a bittersweet parting, but at least I know it’ll have a great home. Digger is going to use it as both his personal truck and his company’s hot-shot vehicle for pick-up and delivery of everything from batteries to full drivetrains. I know the vehicle will be in good hands.
Our Land Rover is up for grabs. Few are interested, though; buyer’s market. It’s a couple of years old and has lots of miles, due to Houston being so stupid-big. I order an extra-large bottle of AstroGlide as I know I’m going to be taking it up the ass on this one…
Finally, our pets.
Reluctantly, I’ve agreed to take the cat. It’s a stupid little feline that I figure we can just toss in a suitcase and drag it with us overseas. No, I guess we’ll get a cat-carrier and figure it out with the airlines.
Then there’s Lady. 135 kilos of dopey puppy. She’s getting up in years, as well, especially for a giant breed. Luckily, overseas we’ll be living on a Western compound. So if we go through all the rigmarole of quarantine, getting her a ‘pet passport’, and shipping via a specialist service, Lady can bark at the tenets of pre-Islam (dogs really aren’t haram), and actually join us in our new home.
This is going to cost a fortune, but I don’t care. She’s an integral part of the family, she is going to join us.
I find a Pet Relocation Service and begin the masses of insane paperwork. It’s an ‘all-in’ service, basically door-to-door. But do not be deluded, they charge every micrometer of the way.
Vaccinations, chipping (she already was fitted with an RFID chip), booking, boarding, securing vet services, obtaining health certificates, securing import permits, dealing with all issues related to customs clearance, interacting with foreign agents, supplying IATA approved crates, and obtaining Municipality tags registration for new arrivals.
Gonna cost me a couple-three-four kilobucks. Worth every penny.
Esme, the kids and I are working on beginning packing, tossing this, wrapping that, sentimentalizing over the other thing when we get a ring at the door.
It’s a bonded courier. He has a package for me.
It’s of the size that would contain about 6-months’ worth of Playboy magazines, and has no external address. I sign for the thing and walk back to the kitchen.
“What you got there, Rock?” Es asks.
“Not sure,” I reply, “But it came via bonded courier.”
“Well, open it,” Es smiles. She loves surprises.
I do so and it’s a series of articles, re-prints, and other information regarding Nevada, mine closures, and the Mine Closure Act. There’s also a number of newspaper and magazine clippings that had been photo-copied into a dozen-page document. All of them, write-ups and reviews from different newspapers, house organs, and journals citing my work with the guys out in the field.
I open it further and there’s a personal note from Dr. Sam Muleshoe, and a certified check, made out in my name.
Seems I was correct. After exhausting their leads with Al, Leo, and Chuck, they have spent near a month trying to find someone to take over the project. “To fill my shoes,” as Dr. Sam Muleshoe notes.
They came up totally empty.
“Told ya’ so.” I gloated. Esme smiles a wide schadenfreude-fueled smile.
I look at the check. It’s plenty healthy, but not superhero strength.
I show Es and she laughs out loud.
“So,” Es whoops, “They think they can get back in your good graces by buying you off? Hah! Fat chance,” she says and regards the check, “Hell. They’re not even close.”
I agree with Esme passionately.
I write a quick, hand-scribbled note to Dr. Muleshoe, thanking him for the information. I give several options, some admittedly anatomically impossible, regarding what he can do with the check and the Bureau’s offer.
I wrap it back up with duct-tape, call the courier service, and return it to Reno, COD.
A couple of days later, I receive a phone call. Surprise, surprise, it’s from Reno.
“Rock, it’s Reno!,” Es tells me.
I shake my head “no!” slicing my hand through the air in the head-chop mime.
“Tell him I’ve gone bush in darkest Outer Albania and you have no idea when I’ll be back,” I say.
Esme looks a bit sheepish, as we can hear the phone remark: “I can hear you, you know.”
“Fuckbuckets,” I think, “OK, hand me the rap-rod.”
“Yeah?” I growl, very grizzly-like into the infernal communication device.
“Hello, Rock. This is Sam Muleshoe,” the phone reports.
“Damn,” I exclaim, “I guess you characters can’t take ‘no’ for an answer. Which word fucking confused you?”
“Rock, what’s the god damned deal?,” Sam asks innocently, “Why all the bloody hostility?”
“Oh, double-fuck me!” I say metaphorically, “Don’t act like you don’t know. Try and snake the latest field mine closing job out from under me and try to snag my guys. Then, when that fails, give some sort of bullshit report to Rack and Ruin. You think I’m ‘too cavalier’, too “wild and wooly’, and think I’m some goddamned 19th-century throwback that loves horrible Hawaiian shirts…”
“Doc?,” Sam asks, “Are you currently fucking drunk? What the actual fuck are you rabbeting on about?”
“Sam, I’m stone-cold fucking sober,” I reply, “Yeah. I know, that’s a first. But listen here Scooter. You must have balls of brass trying to sweet-talk me into running another field course after all you did…”
“Rock,” Sam pleads, “Please, believe me, I have no idea what you’re on about. Can we talk and maybe figure this thing out?”
“No!,” I holler, “I’m done talking with the likes of your Bureau. Nothing you can do or say to rebuild the bridges they’ve burned with me.”
“OK,” he says, “Doct…, err, Rock, buddy. Calm your tits. Give me the Reader’s Digest version. I’ll look into it, because I have absolutely no idea what this is all about. This really sounds serious, with fuck-up overtones. Trust me, I’m serious as the last cold can of beer on a field trip.”
“Marvelous.” I say, “I guess I owe you that much. Professional courtesy. At least one of us has the grit to employ some.”
So, I run through the tale of the travails of Al, Chuck, and Leo. Then my little difference of opinion with Agents Rack, Ruin, and the Agency. Plus my severing of ties with both that Agency out on the east coast and the Bureaus in the great American Southwest.
“Doctor,” Sam says intently, “I know it’s going to be difficult, but I swear on a box of your finest cigars with a vodka chaser that I didn’t know anything about all this nor did it come from this office. Por favor señor, let me do some digging. I’ll be back in touch.”
“Sam,” I say, thinking over the situation, “Yeah…I must apologize for my previous outbursts. I should have known you’re not behind this idiocy. Yeah, go do some fossicking. Let me know what you dig up. Again, sorry. I was a bit…animated.”
“Rock,” Sam chuckles, “Do you think that I’d dare anger someone like you? You must think I’ve got a serious case of cranial lithification to cheese-off the Motherfucking Pro from Dover!”
At this point, I knew that Sam was also only collateral damage; he too was caught in the crossfire. Ground zero for the original attacks lie elsewhere within the Bureau.
Esme and I go back to preparing for our trip coming up in 2 months. But Jesus Q. Christwagons, there’s so much to do. Everything you own; it gets packed, stored, or trashed.
It’s the decisions that get so tiring. Keep. Toss. Sell. Burn. Leave on someone’s doorstep.
I propose to Es that we just do the basic necessities. Then we hire some firm to finish up for us. It’d be worth the cost since just think what we’d be saving on aspirin and Ace Bandages.
Esme readily backs the idea that we should turn the job over to someone else. Plus in the interim, we can take a trip back home to Baja Canada so the kids could visit their grandparents, we visit our family, and all of us could cool out a bit before the big trip east.
I need to drop by Big Ray’s Tap for a few hours/days anyways.
Old commitments.
We’d go the beginning of our last month here in the States, spend a couple of weeks visiting family at home, leave the kids with the grandparents to get spoiled rotten. Es and I would return to Houston to finalize everything.
Then Es and I would fly from Houston to that damn sprawling annoyance of an airport on the big lake in Illinoise. The family would meet us there, handover the kids, and we’d all haul ass eastwards to the Middle East.
I readily agreed. Anything has to be better than dealing with this crapola.
Lady and the stupid cat would go to the pet schleppers a little early. Sure, it’d cost a few more dinars, but that’s one big headache sorted.
So, late one afternoon, I’m sitting in my office, trying to figure out exactly what reference works I couldn’t live without.
Compton’s? Save. Field Guide to Fungus? Toss. No, wait a minute. Could prove useful.
That’s why this is taking forever.
The phone rings.
It’s Sam.
“Hello, Sam,” I say, “What news?”
“Goddamn it all to fucking hell and back,” Sam roars.
“That’s a unique greeting,” I reply.
“I finally drilled down to the bottom of all this horseshit.,” Sam replies, “And it’s a real bowl of fuck all the way south.”
“I’m listening,” I say, “Actually, Sam, hold on. I need a drink. Moment.”
I give Es the high sign, note it’s Sam on the phone, and that I’ll be in my office if she hears any screaming.
I amp up my drink and return to my office, closing the door behind me.
Lady is here, waiting to keep my feet warm.
“OK Sam, your nickel,” I say, “What’s the scoop?”
“Would you believe?,” he begins, “That all batshittery this came from accounting and bookkeeping?”
“Well,” I reply, “I’ll have to admit that I’m not overly surprised.”
“Yeah,” Sam continues, “I was off on holiday. My first two weeks off after 5 years. My very temporary replacement received a memo from the head of the Bureau that there was great interest in you leading a shortened version of your last trip to demonstrate to a bunch of different university PhDs in the care and feeding of abandoned mines. Seems the Bureau Chief was very impressed with what you and your team accomplished.”
“OK,” I reply, “With you so far. So, where did things get wrapped around a tractor’s nuts?”
“Right,” he replies, “Here’s where things first went off the rails. Whoever vetted the list of potential attendees sorted the list alphabetically, not by field of expertise. Of course, the obvious first choice would be for geologists; especially those with mining, field, and blasting experience.”
“Ah,” I replied, “No wonder it was such a miscellaneous bunch of baloney-loaf whole-grain enviro-types that Al had mentioned.”
“Yep,” Sam agreed, “But before anyone with any brains got sight of that list, some fucknuts in the Bureau’s University Liaison department sent out invitations.”
“Invitations?” I asked, “To what?”
“That’s just the thing,” Sam continued, “They sent out invites to a program that didn’t yet exist, run by someone who had yet to be contacted, much less secured.”
“Oh, hey! That’s some good work you guys do down there.” I snort.
“Indeed,” Sam agrees, “So once that hit the mail, we started getting back replies and acceptances.”
“And there was no project, no leader, no logistics…?” I asked.
“No shit,” Sam scoffs. “So, what did these idiots here do? Contact the attendees and explain the problem. Take a little flack, but get it sorted out then try again?”
“Let me guess,” I said, “No?”
“Nope,” Sam sighs, “By that time, it was in the works and in the hands of accountants.”
“Oh, fuck,” I commiserated. “I feel your pain.”
“Yeah,” Sam continues, “They see that you’re the hookin’ bull on the last one and they dig into your contract. They figure, ‘Whoa, he’s way too expensive, just look at these expense accounts’, so they do an end-around and contact your colleagues.”
“Al, Chuck, and Leo. They’re damn good guys,” I said, “Fine field scientists, all. But I don’t think any of them have the moxie or experience yet to run a whole field course.”
“These accounting shitheads never bothered to find out,” Sam groans, “It was all ‘bottom line’, so you got caught in the squeeze.”
“OK,” I reply, “I see how that happened, but what about all the shit about me being a 19th-century throwback, that I’m unsafe, wear horrible Hawaiian shirts, and all that shit?”
“Comedy of bloody errors,” Sam says, “Actually, the Bureau Chief likes your fashion sense; you should see some of his shirts. But your slime campaign was based on unreliable evidence, tall tales, folklore, and outright fabrications. It was easy to pimp someone with a personality like yours, it’s been said. Someone was trying desperately to cover his ass. However, we have identified the perpetrator.”
“Next time I’m in Reno,” I said, “I’ll pay him a friendly little visit and arrange his transport to Neptune. One way. Y’know, it’d be easy for someone with a ‘personality like mine’.”
“Ah, yeah. He won’t be here,” Sam says, “In fact, we don’t know where the hell he went. He was immediately sacked, as were a couple of the more boneheaded accountants.”
“That’s redundant,” I smirk, “They really don’t want to talk with or see me anytime soon.”
“Right, then Rock,” Sam says, “We green again?”
“Yeah, Sam,” I reply, “Sure. Green as a New Saigon. But you’ve got to call Rack and Ruin for me. You have to let them know how this whole clusterfuck came to be. We had some words a while back.”
“Oh, yeah,” Sam remembers, “I talked with them the other day. They said they’ll be in Houston in a couple of days.”
“Cor! Just what I fucking need right now,” I lament. “Ah, it is what it is.”
“OK, Rock. Now, back to reality. You interested?” Sam asks.
“Send me a JD (job description) and the project particulars. The price of poker’s really going up this time, Sam. Stratospheric. Sorry, it’s all just business.” I relate.
“Yeah…,” Sam sighs, “I figure we’ll really owe you if you can drag our ass out of the campfire on this one.”
“You have no idea,” I chuckle. We exchange farewells and ring off.
Now I have some talking to do with my significant other.
Since we were all set to go back to Baja Canada, I could use those two weeks to go to Nevada, if necessary. I can be back in Houston with Es for the last two weeks before we’re slated to travel, and we can sort out the house.
“This won’t be an easy sell,” I muse, before chatting with my darling, brilliant, and ever-so-forgiving partner.
“I’ll need a drink first”, I declare.
Esme notes that it would be nice to have a little spare cash with us when we move overseas.
You could have dropped me with a Claymore. Es never fails to flummox me.
So, provisional OK from the powers that be. Now all I have to do is wait on Sam’s prospectus.
The next day, the doorbell rings. It’s Agents Rack and Ruin.
One is holding a box of very expensive cigars, and one is holding a bottle of very expensive bourbon.
I turn to Es and remark, “Look here, darlin’. Geeks bearing gifts.”
“Hello, Doctor,” Rack says, bristling, “We need to talk. “
“Why?” I ask, “I do seem to recall that I’m no longer associated with you people any longer.”
“Doctor,” Agent Ruin cocks his head contritely, bowing ever so slightly, “May we please have a moment of your time?”
I look to Es. She shrugs her shoulders. Luckily I’m partial to Es’ opinion. I am also partial to good bourbon and cigars, especially when someone else is paying for them. So I shrug my shoulders as well and tell them to make entry.
“My office, “ I say, “You know the way. Mind the boxes.”
Once in my office, the Agents stack their offerings and go on in great detail, basically collaborating Sam’s story. I remain steadfast and stony as the Harney Peak Granite of Mr. Rushmore fame. I’m not giving anything away any longer.
“Well, Doctor,” Agent Ruin finalizes, “That’s the story, warts and all.”
“Yep, it is pretty warty,” I agree, “So?”
“We would like to rekindle our relationship,” Agent Rack reports, “These are for starters.”
He hands me the cigars and booze; plus another box.
“Thanks,” I say, “But just because I accept your peace offerings, that doesn’t mean we’re going to turn back the clock.”
“What are you suggesting?” Agent Ruin asks.
“No more consulting,” I reply, “I want in. The ‘Full Monty’, as it were. If I’m going overseas and work for some twitchy Middle Eastern sandpit’s national oil company, I want perks, tabs, and my ass duly covered.”
“Work two full-time jobs simultaneously?” Agent Rack asks.
“However you want to structure it,” I say, “No more consulting. From here on out, you want me, you’re making me a full-fledged full-timer.”
Agents Rack and Ruin look at each other, enquiringly.
“Doctor,” Agent Rack replies, “We are prepared to offer you an ad hoc Agency appointment. You will be fully attached but you will be also doing your full-time job in the other country.”
“I’m listening. Tell me more,” I ask, “What exactly are you offering?”
“Full access to all pertinent information,” Agent Ruin continues, “Full entrée to appropriate facilities and, um, assets. Security for you and your family in case of, well, shall; we say, ‘difficulties’. Monthly minimum payment of [$$$] to any non-US bank of your choice. Extra duties would be duly compensated. Top clearances. An enhanced potential payment package, bonus possibilities, and full benefits for you.”
“Full benefits for me and my family,” I say, “Or there’s the door. Non-negotiable” I point out.
“Very well. That had been anticipated.” Agent Rack replies.
“Gentlemen,” I say, “Let us shake on what I hope turns out to be a beautiful relationship.”
We shake hands and I sign my life away. I’m really in it now, up to my neck. I have to learn to shut up more and just listen.
“Now, gents,” I say, “In order to seal the deal, let us break out the drinking stuff you’ve brought along. We will also smoke together so that we will know there will be no lies or deceit between us.”
“Also anticipated, Doctor,” both agents agree.
My ‘new’ old colleagues prepare to leave a while later, after a cigar, and far too much of what was a full bottle of expensive gift booze. They always get you in the end.
Contained within the other small box were my new Agency credentials, updated version satellite phone, secure codes, and a nifty new Swiss Army Knife, with a built-in cigar cutter.
With renewed dedication and expectations all ‘round, Agents Rack and Ruin take their leave.
They hope to be able to meet me and the family, remember, they are Uncles Rack and Ruin, overseas one day in the not too distant future. My information, further updated cards, registration, and all that official business guff will come to the specific Middle Eastern country’s US Embassy for me once we arrive and get settled.
“Marvelous,” I muse.
I receive an Email from Dr. Muleshoe explaining what we talked about and his hopes for my stickhandling a ‘quick’ 2-week field excursion for the approximately 15 Ph.D. types from around North America. Seems there’s a couple of Canadians and one Mexican professor that expressed desires to join. They had actually forwarded funds to be included in our number.
Sam suggests I drive out in my truck and proceed as per the last trip. Get the trailer, fill it with noisemakers, and the Bureau would sort out transportation and lodging for the attendees. Seems some want to camp, like real geologists, and some want to lodge in hotels, like real non-geologists.
I write Sam back:
First item: this is a 2-week sojourn into the desert. It’s a field meeting, emphasis on the field, not a tour of Nevada’s many fine hotels, resorts, and casinos.
Item two: I no longer possess my truck. The Bureau will provide me with the appropriate vehicular equivalent. No passengers, this will be the Camp Chief truck from the onset. Besides, I am the only one licensed to drive the vehicle when coupled to an explosives-laden trailer.
Item three: I will be flown to and from Reno from Houston. No buses, trains, or automobiles. It’s business class or zilch.
Item the fourth: the Bureau will source the necessary support logisticians to provide food, drink, and toilet paper for the 16 professionals while we are in the field. They will also need to provide cooks, dishwashers, camp tidiers, and the like as I don’t have time to deal with 15 potentially field-fresh, whiny waterhead PhDs.
Item the fifth: The Bureau will provide for all pre- and post-trip handling of participants. They can handle hotel rooms for the early arrivers or late-stayers. They can manage arrivals, registration, signing of necessary documents, and assuring vaccination records are up to snuff, waivers are signed, etc. They will also handle the transportation of participants to/from and during the field project, when and where necessary.
Item the sixth: I include a new version of my contract. Force Majeure, ‘Take or Pay’ clause. Door to door coverage. Plus my, ahem, augmented day rate. Absolutely non-negotiable.
Item seven: I have final say over what is done in the field. I am in command, the boss, the head cheese, the head honcho, and I require absolute discipline, especially where explosives are concerned. “My way or the highway” will be the theme of the trip. Gain, non-negotiable.
To be continued.

Hi, I'm back again for another round of new games (to me) that I've played during the third quarter of the year. This time I managed to play 18 new games, so here's my mini reviews of these games. Of course, some plays are very limited so it's really only my opinions. And I won't write what the games are about, please see BGG for descriptions.
Here's my post for Q1: https://old.reddit.com/boardgames/comments/b82p2a/ive_played_20_new_to_me_games_so_far_this_yea And for Q2: https://old.reddit.com/boardgames/comments/c8762b/i_played_another_10_new_games_to_me_during_q2/
A Fake Artist Goes to New York (2012) (2 plays, 2x10p) I got this as a gift and played during my bachelor party, I'm not very good at drawing so I was a little sceptical at first. But I was really wrong as you're only drawing a line at a time, your drawing skills really didn't matter (that much). I had a great time with this, it was wonderful. When you only can draw one line, everyone seems to be the fake artist as you go "what the hell is this?" when you get a totally different drawing passed your way. I will say that 10 players is way too much as the fake artist had no problem blending in, I'm gonna try this soon again with around 6 players, think that might be better. Still think that it might be something you play twice, and then move on to something else as it's kind of the same each time. 6 or 7/10.
more dude (2018) (2 plays, 2x5p) Another game I got as a gift, and played, during my bachelor party. This is a strange one, this is so stupid, and if you would ask me to play it now when I'm sober I would refuse, and even if you forced me I'd give it a 2 or 3 out of 10. Get me drunk, and this is hilarious. It's so stupid it's fun, shouting "dude" in different voices as you try to match with someone else. Drunk me would give this a 10/10... (no not really). But don't play this where you can disturb others, it's awful to listen to if you're not playing. But I have to compare this to Happy Salmon which I think is a superior game. I think it's much smarter, it's over in less than a minute, and no one can really cheat. After a while I felt that people started to gesture instead of actually changing their voices properly. I have both now, and both will stay in the collection a while. But if one of them leaves, it's gonna be more dude.
Professor Evil and the Citadel of Time (2017) (2 plays, 2x4p) I'm adding more co-ops to my collection as my wife likes those the best and I heard about this game on the Secret Cabal podcast which got me interested. Then it popped up on sale so I grabbed it. Well, I know why it was on sale. We played twice, and the first time we were so unlucky with our dice rolls that we lost in just a few turns, the next game we were so lucky instead that it really wasn't a challenge at all. It kind of felt pointless, there wasn't really much we could do about what happened. I liked the artwork a lot though, and the theme was nice, but way too random. I might try it again though, or perhaps with kids, might better suit them. 4/10.
Set a Watch (2019) (2 plays, 2x2p) I had really hoped to play this more before this quarter came to an end. I backed this on Kickstarter to have another co-op to play with my wife and this looked really up our alley. And boy was it, she absolutely loved it and has talked about it several times. But we played it wrong which made it really hard, anytime you use a special action you need to turn your card up side down, which means one less health. We did this even if we put a die on it, which apparently you don't need to do. I watched a video were Jamey Stegmaier talked about the game, and he mentioned the thing with the die and it became much clearer why people called the game "easy". We wouldn't even make it half through. This is all because the rulebook is awful, the text is too big, there's not enough pictures, and it's really hard to find what you are looking for. It's just bad. Besides that, the game is really great. If you like co-ops you should pick it up. But, I would recommend this for maximum two players. You always need to control 4 characters, and 1 character needs to stay and "watch the fire" which isn't as fun as killing bad guys. At 4 players, someone needs to stay behind, at 3 players someone's gonna play two characters, but at 2 you both have 2 characters. I haven't tried this solo yet. 8/10.
Dobble or Spot it (2009) (4 plays, 4x6p) This game is called Dobble where I am, but apparently called Spot it in the US(?). We played a UNO-esque version where you needed to get rid of all your cards by matching the symbols. You know, it's fine, it's a game, let's play it if there's nothing else to do. It was a little bit too stressful for me though. 4/10.
Welcome to... (2018) (2 plays, 1x2p, 1x4p) Roll and Writes is the new thing for me, though this is a flip and write I guess. I like crossing out stuff, drawing lines, and making combos on my own piece of paper. I like that you can easily carry it with you, so you could practically play whenever you want. Welcome to... is really good! First of all, you play at the same time which makes the game really fast. Placing house numbers and then using the special action is really satisfying, and crossing your fingers that just the right number will appear next is thrilling. My wife did not like this however which is a shame, because I like it. It's not wonderful, it's not ground breaking, but I had a really good time with this. It's gonna stay in the collection a while, I'm gonna laminate a few sheets, easier to change if you make a mistake and it'll last longer. Probably a 7/10.
Awkward Guests (2016) (1 play, 1x3p) Another Kickstarter, and the English version is from 2019. This is a deduction game similar to Clue, you'll need to find the murderer, the weapon and the motive, but this is so much smarter. It's a brilliant system finding out the clues, and you'll need to be cleverer than just asking for a card that you don't have. Each turn you'll ask for clues from the other players, each player presents you with a few cards but you can choose who you take the clues from. Perhaps Billy over there doesn't really have any new information, what did he give you last time? is he just gonna give you the cards you gave to him? Go watch the Dice Tower review of this, you'll get a better sense of how the game plays. I'm just gonna say that I love it, even after just one play, even after that we accidentally added a card that was not supposed to be there which made us very confused and the game took us nearly 2 hours to complete. We're gonna play it again on Saturday, and we'll be much quicker then, perhaps add a timer so people don't think too long. I'm not gonna give this a 10 after just one play, but perhaps after I've played it some more. 8 or 9/10 right now though.
Bargain Quest (2017) (1 play, 1x6p) It's another Kickstarter! I'm gonna start out with: Don't play this with 6 players. Even if you draft at the same time, everything else takes too long. I wasn't too fond of my first play with this, I mean it's ok, but it's not ground breaking by any sort. It's quite interesting though, as time dragged on and I got impatient, everyone else really liked the game, it really surprised me as most of my friends doesn't like it when it's too long. But the next day, they said they wanted to play it again. My wife liked it too, though she doesn't like too much randomness, and before your hero attacks you draw an "adventure card" which might boost your hero, or really hinder your hero. She HATED that. Still wanted to try it again. Which we will, but perhaps with 4 players. I'm gonna go with a 6/10 for now.
Don't Get Got (2018) (1 play, 1x2p) Like The Mind people will argue if this really is a game, or is it an activity? Perhaps it's both? It's really a quite nice one, which ever it is. I saw a video from u/jonpurkis, or "Actualol", that got me interested in this and I found it cheap through an online retailer so I decided to try it out. It doesn't have a play time as it could last for several days, each player gets 6 missions that they need to finish, all of them has to do with making other people do stuff, or not notice that you've done something. First to finish all three of these missions wins. I played this with my wife during our vacation, first few days you were really on your guard but we both managed to fool each other once, but it didn't finish until we got home. We're sitting in our couch watching a movie, wife has prepared some snack and we each got our separate bowl. I eat some chips, then when I take another hand of chips, there's a mission card in there. I did not see that coming and wife won with that. Really fun, I can recommend this for shorter trips or get-togethers. 7/10.
Keyforge: Age of Ascension (2019) (1 play, 1x2p) I needed a new game for my wife and I to play as I have destroyed Star Realms for us, and I've heard that this was the new thing. Excited about the unique decks, what to expect, and perhaps a new game for us to bond over, we were both really disappointed. It took us about 1 hour to play as we both had to read cards, checking rules, being confused, and playing cards that just destroyed the other's work instead of helping yourself. In the end, wife won and we felt like we both lost. Perhaps I'm turning more and more into a care bear, I really don't like when someone destroys what I just did, it's like skipping a turn and that's something I really hate. I know that our one play is tainted by that we were mostly confused over what to do, and really didn't have any strategy to speak of, so I'm gonna try and convince my wife to give it another try, someday, when we have forgot how boring it was. People love this, and I wanna know why. But right now, it's around 3 or 4/10 for me. ^sorry
Mi Tierra: New Era (2016) (1 play, 1x2p) So my friend has this game and really wanted to play it, he set it up in advance, read up on the rules, and was ready for me when I arrived. But the rules were so poorly written that there was so many things that we didn't know how it worked, there was not many examples, so we had to guess. The game itself started out fine, but each round you draw a card that gives all the players something good or something bad. The first two turns we had a worker less than normal, which really halted the whole game. We kept struggling to do all the things the game wanted you to do, and in the end just had to give up certain aspects of the game. I know some games you just have to focus on a few things and accept that you'll get minus from some things, but this wasn't the case here. It felt like you were supposed to do all the stuff, you could even get extra points if you managed it, but there wasn't enough time or resources for that. Perhaps I need to play it again, but I don't want to. The game felt like it need more players, and being the start player was really powerful. I don't care for this game. 5/10.
Near and Far (2017) (1 play, 1x2p) Another game I really need to play more, we had a great first time playing this, reading the stories, trying to finish our quest goals. This was a great substitute to Tales of the Arabian Nights which I sold a few days later, no point having that game when I had a superior game. We both felt though that perhaps we needed another player or two. We were really never in the way of each other, so it kind of felt like a solitaire game. Just that the stories were read to each other. It feels like this could be a great game for me and my group. Need to play more. 7 right now, might be 8/10, or even 9 one day. We'll see.
Power Grid (2004) (1 play, 1x4p) I have actively avoided this game as people has said that it's "Math - the game", and I hate math. But I've also heard that it's a superb game that you need to play! So I've now played it, and it's indeed "Math - the game", and it's indeed a superb game, and if you haven't played it you should try it soon. The way the action works is brilliant, the way you place your power stations is brilliant, the way you power your cities is brilliant, the way you buy resources is brilliant. What's not brilliant is how much counting you need to do during your and everyone else's turns. Each turn is just too long as everyone's counting... "so if I'll add that, that'll be 38, but then I can't afford that, so I'll just take one of those, so then I have 24. Wait I have less than I thought, I need to start over". It was like this for everyone. After the game I suggested that we play with calculators next time to speed things up, but another guy said that was cheating. I guess? I don't know what the rules says but lowering the play time is a good thing I think. Love the one play I have of this though. 8/10.
Thieves Den (2019) (1 play, 1x2p) This was an interesting game, interesting as in "I don't want to play it again". No, that's harsh, it's not that bad. But I surely don't want to play it with just two players again. At the start of the game, you get a mission that'll give you points in the end. You'll need to collect certain symbols, and these are secret to other players. One of my symbols never showed up during the game. FUN! Then there were too many take that cards. FUN! But one thing that was really interesting was the lack of resources. There were a limited amount each round, and if I used some of it, it was gone for the rest of the round. That was quite cleverly designed. Too bad the rest was meh. 4/10.
Ubongo (2003) (1 play, 1x3p) Played this at a friend's house, his girlfriend suggested that we play this and I'm always up for new games. My friend said that he refused to play Ubongo with his girlfriend again, so it was just me, my wife and the friend's girlfriend. She crushed us! She was so fast at laying these puzzles that she always chose gems first. I do like these kind of puzzles, but having someone being that much faster than you is quite demoralizing ;) It was an ok game though, we had a good laugh about it. But one thing I'm gonna complain about is the color of the gems. I'm not colorblind so I usually don't have any trouble distinguishing different pieces in games, but in this the clear gem and the light blue gem was so similar that I thought I was doing quite well when I was instead collecting two different colors. Don't want this in my collection, nor do I feel the need to play it again. It's ok, and I could play it if someone really wanted to, but just once. 4/10.
Victorian Masterminds (2019) (1 play, 1x3p) Played this at a convention with two random dudes. The production quality in this game is insane, the cog wheel poker chips are really nice to hold and play with, the building miniatures have nice details, there's even scientist miniatures that could easily have been just cardboard tokens. But apparently they stopped with the quality when they made the bolt and copper tokens, they are so small and they look really cheap in comparison to everything else in the game. The game then? It was actually quite nice, the action selection and how you resolved the stack of agents (poker chips) was really nice, and it was a chase to either build your machine first or if the secret service needle reaches the end, that triggers the end game. The guy who owned it said that it was always the secret service that triggered the end game, but for us it was that one machine got built. Anyhoo, I enjoyed this game, I enjoyed the feel it had, even if one of the actions that you could do was mean it was THAT mean. I still don't need this game, too similar in weight and play time to other games I have that I like more, and it might just be too expensive for what it is. But I'll play it if someone invites me. 7/10.
My First Carcassonne (2009) (2 plays, 1x4p, 1x2p) Some of my friend's kids are turning in to the age where they have more interest in games than just fiddling with the pieces so I got this game for my friend's child's 6th birthday. First we played it with the 6 year old, the 3 year old and two adults. The 6 year old grasped the game right away and she had a great time playing, the 3 year old needed a lot of guidance though but still had fun, he didn't like that his older sister won though. Us adult had a good time too, it's quite a nice game to play with kids, and it's challenging for them but still fun for adults. Would recommend.
Bamse gympaspel (2016) (1 play, 1x3p) So another kids' game, though it's more of an activity for kids to learn to move their body. My friend's 3 year old love this though and likes to play it a lot. I don't even know why I have it on here? :) As a game, it's actually who is the luckiest with the die roll as you try to collect all the colors. But that's not the point of the game.
That's it for the third quarter. I'll be back in January for the last quarter, and perhaps I'll name my favourite of the year :)
Short updates on games I wrote about in Q1 and Q2 that I've played more Castles of Caladale, played another 2 times with my wife. She just loved the puzzle of building your castle, with being able to move the tiles as you want and no time restraint she won easily each time. Still a 4 for me though. Let's make a Bus Route is still really lovely. Played another 4 times and everyone I've played it with has loved it. Short, simple, fun and great. I'll lower it from 9 to a 8/10 though. Herbacous Sprouts Tried the solo variant twice, lost once, won once. It's quite nicely designed, and the theme speaks to me. It's a small box so I might carry it with me if I go travel someday. It's now a 7/10. LotR: Journeys in Middle-Earth Played two more scenarios with my wife and we enjoy it a lot. I will still compare it to Mansions of Madness though, and MoM is a much better game. Last time I said that the deck of cards instead of dice was a really nice touch, but I also think that the deck can be a little demoralizing. Once all your success card has come out, you know that you'll fail the next test, and you go "what's the point", in MoM the dice can give you a slim chance, in JiME it's impossible. Still like the game, and I guess we have to get better at not ending up in those positions. Still 8/10. Wingspan One more play with 3 players. It's fine, it's ok, it's nothing special. Except the birds, the art, the tokens, the dice, it's really pretty to look at. I want to play it again, but after each time it's been like... ok I guess? 6/10. Surburbia So glad I got to play this again, fucking love it. Played it with my wife, she thought it was just ok, and apparently I don't need it, lol. Used copies are being sold everywhere now as people are waiting for the collector's edition, I want that too. But it's better to play my friend's copy, it would just gather dust at home. Quacks of Quedlingburg Played it another 2 times, so a total of 8 this year, one play was with the new expansion. This game is great, I've ordered the geek bits for this, a birthday present for myself ;) 8/10. Space Base Just one more play since last time. Hard to get to the table now that my wife has declared it "worst game ever", but I still like it. Wife's brother and his wife lives with us for a while until they can move in to their new home, which has been great as they really want to try different games, and I got to play this with them. This time we tried the fast variant, and that's the way I'll play it in the future. Still 8/10.
Thanks for reading this far!

MAME 0.214

With the end of September almost here, it’s time to see what goodies MAME 0.214 delivers. This month, we’ve got support for five more Nintendo Game & Watch titles (Fire, Flagman, Helmet, Judge and Vermin), four Chinese computers from the 1980s, and three Motorola CPU evaluation kits. Cassette support has been added or fixed for a number of systems, the Dragon Speech Synthesis module has been emulated, and the Dragon Sound Extension module has been fixed. Acorn Archimedes video, sound and joystick support has been greatly improved.
On the arcade side, remaining issues in Capcom CPS-3 video emulation have been resolved and CD images have been upgraded to CHD version 5, Sega versus cabinet billboard support has been added to relevant games, and long-standing issues with music tempo in Data East games have been worked around.
Of course, you can get the source and Windows binary packages from the download page.

MAMETesters Bugs Fixed

• 00130: [Sound] (darkseal.cpp) darkseal: When using your weapon, the music speed increases. (AJR)
• 00389: [Sound] (cbuster.cpp) cbuster: The music tempo increases up when the flamethrower is used. (AJR)
• 02108: [Sound] (vaportra.cpp) vaportra, vaportrau, kuhga: Music tempo changes when firing. (AJR)
• 03635: [Gameplay] (igspoker.cpp) cpoker, cpokert: Games freezing during play. (Roberto Fresca)
• 05802: [DIP/Input] (pk8020.cpp) korvet, neiva, kontur: Keyboard does not work! (Robbbert)
• 06205: [Graphics] (snes.cpp) snes [pilotwinu,pilotwinj]: Upper part of the screen image repeated. (AmatCoder)
• 06486: [Side-by-side] (a2600.cpp) a2600: Initial stack pointer value for the M6507 (6502) is incorrect. (MoochMcGee)
• 06901: [Crash/Freeze] (snes.cpp) snes [jdredd and clones]: Judge Dredd (all regions) stops working after title screen. (AmatCoder)
• 07405: [Sound] (dragon.cpp) dragon32, dragon64, dragon64h, dragon200, dragon200e: Dragon Sound Extention module is silent. (AJR)
• 07408: [Plugins] “autofire” plugin is not working properly. (Nathan Woods)
• 07412: [Crash/Freeze] (vgmplay.cpp) vgmplay [chaotixju_md]: Crash when attempting to play Sega 32X audio pack. (cam900)
• 07413: [Crash/Freeze] (exidy440.cpp) yukon, yukon1: The games crash or get stuck during the initial checks. (AJR)
• 07416: [Graphics] (legionna.cpp) denjinmk: Broken backgrounds in two game endings. (Angelo Salese)
• 07419: [Crash/Freeze] (snes.cpp) snes [firemenu, firemenj]: Screen remains black and game doesn’t start. (AmatCoder)
• 07425: [Misc.] (mac.cpp) macplus: Option/Command key positions swapped (U.S. PC keyboard). (R. Belmont)
• 07426: [Misc.] (mac.cpp) maciici: Non-matching Option key positions (U.S. PC keyboard). (R. Belmont)
• 07427: [Crash/Freeze] (arkanoid.cpp) arkgcbl, arkgcbla, arkangc2, arkbloc2, arkbloc3, block2, paddle2: Crash on start. (Robbbert)
• 07430: [Graphics] (nes.cpp) ultstunt and clones: Introduction screens and playfield are corrupted. (AJR)

New working machines

• China Jiangmen Computer Equipment Factory H-01 JCE [zzemu]
• China State-owned 830 Factory NF500A [zzemu]
• Draw Poker (Joker Poker V.01) [Roberto Fresca TeamEurope]
• Game & Watch: Fire (silver) [algestam, Mr. Do, Sean Riddle]
• Game & Watch: Flagman [algestam, Mr. Do, Sean Riddle]
• Game & Watch: Helmet (Rev. 2) [algestam, hap, Mr. Do, Sean Riddle]
• Game & Watch: Judge (green) [algestam, Mr. Do, Sean Riddle]
• Game & Watch: Vermin [algestam, hap, Mr. Do, Sean Riddle]
• Motorola MEK6802D3 [68bit]
• Motorola MEK6802D4 [68bit]
• Motorola MEK6802D5 [68bit]
• Nanjing Computer Factory Zi Jin I [zzemu]
• Novag Super Sensor IV [hap, Berger, Achim]
• SciSys / Philidor Software Chess Champion: Mark V [hap, Berger]
• SciSys Kasparov Turbostar 432 [hap, anonymous]
• Urachacha Mudaeri (Korea) [brizzo, Angelo Salese, The Dumping Union]

New working clones

• Birdie Try (Japan revision 2, revision 1 MCU) [TeamEurope, Guru]
• China HKC HKC 8800A [zzemu]
• Fidelity Electronics Excel 68000 Mach II (rev. C+, set 2) [Berger]
• Game & Watch: Balloon Fight (crystal screen) [algestam, hap, Mr Jiggles the Christmas Man]
• Gouketsuji Ichizoku (Japan, prototype) [twistedsymphony]
• Hegener + Glaser Mephisto ESB II [Berger, Achim]
• Hegener + Glaser Mephisto III (ver. B) [Berger, Achim]
• Kuri Kinton (US, World Games license) [coolmod, The Dumping Union]
• Novag Constellation 3.6MHz (set 1) [hap, Berger, Achim]
• Novag Constellation 3.6MHz (set 2) [Berger]
• Novag Constellation Quattro [hap, anonymous]
• Novag Savant II [Berger, Achim]
• Pac Man (U.G. bootleg of Puck Man) [f205v]
• Psyvariar -Medium Unit- (V2.02O 2000/02/22 13:00) [rtw]
• Raiden Fighters (Greece) [Sergio Galiano, Recreativos Piscis]
• SciSys / Philidor Software Chess Champion: Mark VI/Philidor [hap, Berger, anonymous]
• Venture (version 5 set 2, bootleg) [f205v]

Machines promoted to working

• Unior [Robbbert]

Clones promoted to working

• Champion Poker (v101) [Roberto Fresca]
• Champion Poker (v201F) [Roberto Fresca]
• Lady Liner (encrypted, set 1) [TeamEurope, Roberto Fresca, Ivan Vangelista]
• Lady Liner (encrypted, set 2) [TeamEurope, Roberto Fresca, Ivan Vangelista]
• Lady Liner (encrypted, set 3) [TeamEurope, Roberto Fresca, Ivan Vangelista]
• Lady Liner (encrypted, set 4) [TeamEurope, Roberto Fresca, Ivan Vangelista]
• Lovely Cards (encrypted) [TeamEurope, Roberto Fresca, Ivan Vangelista]
• New Lucky 8 Lines (set 10, W-4, encrypted NEC D315-5136) [Grull Osgo]

New machines marked as NOT_WORKING

• Alpha Micro AM-1000 [Bitsavers]
• Cablenet 2039 Controller [Al Kossow, Bitsavers]
• Maldaliza [brizzo, Angelo Salese, The Dumping Union]
• VTech Genius Leader Select [TeamEurope, The Dumping Union]
• Wully Bully [brizzo, Angelo Salese, The Dumping Union]

New clones marked as NOT_WORKING

• 286 motherboards with 5-chip SUNTAC chipset [rfka01]
• 286 motherboards with 5-chip VLSI chipset [rfka01]
• 286 motherboards with Headland G2 chipset [rfka01]
• 386 Motherboard using the Forex FRX46C402 + FRX46C411 + SiS 85C206 chipset [rfka01]
• 386 motherboard using the Symphony chipset [rfka01]
• 386 motherboards using a OPTi 82C495XLC chipset [rfka01]
• 386 motherboards using the ALi M1429 A1 and M1431 A2 chipset [rfka01]
• 386 motherboards with a FOREX FRX46C402/FRX36C300/SIS85C206 chipset [rfka01]
• 386 SC Rev A2 [rfka01]
• 386-4N-D04A (UMC chipset) [rfka01]
• Asus ISA-386C [rfka01]
• Asus ISA-386U30 REV.2.2 [rfka01]
• AUVA COMPUTER, INC. BAM/12-S2 [rfka01]
• AUVA VIP-M21502A BAM16-A0 [rfka01]
• BI-025C HT-12 286 (HT12/A chipset) [rfka01]
• Biostar MB-1212C [rfka01]
• CDTEK 286 motherboard with Headland G2 chipset [rfka01]
• CMP enterprise CO.LTD. 286 motherboard [rfka01]
• DFI 386-20.REV0 [rfka01]
• DTK PEM 2539 [rfka01]
• Eagle PC-2 [rfka01]
• Everex Systems EV-1815 [rfka01]
• GOLDSTAR P/N 611-606A Rev 1.0A [rfka01]
• HLB-286 MBA-009 [rfka01]
• KMA-202F-12R (Winbond chipset) [rfka01]
• Leading Edge Model M [rfka01]
• Leanord SA Elan High Tech 286 [rfka01]
• Magitronic Technology Magitronic B236 [rfka01]
• Micromint MPX-16 [rfka01]
• Morse KP-286 [rfka01]
• Octek 286 mainboard with Headland G2 chipset [rfka01]
• Octek Jaguar V v1.4 [rfka01]
• Olivetti M203 motherboard [rfka01]
• PC-Chips M205 [rfka01]
• PC-Chips M321 [rfka01]
• PC-Chips M326 [rfka01]
• PC-Chips M919 [rfka01]
• Pipi & Bibis / Whoopee!! (bootleg, set 2) [anonymous]
• Shuttle Computer International HOT-304 [rfka01]
• SM 386-40F (Forex chipset) [rfka01]
• Snobol Mini 286 [rfka01]
• Soyo SY-019H and SY-019I [rfka01]
• SY-012 16/25 386MB VER: 5.2 [rfka01]
• TAM/33/40-MA0 (CM318R00,M31-R00) [rfka01]
• Uniron U3911-V3 [rfka01]
• Vendex HeadStart Plus [rfka01]
• Wyse WYSEpc 286 [rfka01]

New working software list additions

• amiga_apps: Amiga Appetizer (Sv), Desktop Budget (Sv), SuperDuper 2.02 [FakeShemp]
• apple2_flop_clcracked:
  • Charlie Brown's 1, 2, 3's (1990 Queue re-release) (cleanly cracked), Chivalry (Revision 2) (cleanly cracked), Computer Preparation for the SAT (Version 1.1A) (cleanly cracked), Creature Chorus (Version 4.0) (cleanly cracked), Julius Erving and Larry Bird Go One on One (cleanly cracked), MicroExam Test Bank for Computer Mathematics: Structured BASIC with Math Applications (Version 1.01) (cleanly cracked), Millionaire (Version 2.1) (cleanly cracked), Professor Davensteev's Galaxy Search: Blue Level (cleanly cracked), Professor Davensteev's Galaxy Search: Red Level (cleanly cracked), Quiz Castle (cleanly cracked), The Sales Edge (cleanly cracked), Universe II (Version 1.0) (cleanly cracked) [4am, Firehawke]
  • Buck Rogers - Planet of Zoom (cleanly cracked) [LoGo, Firehawke]
  • Star Fleet 1: The War Begins (cleanly cracked) [Peter Ferrie, Firehawke]
• apple2_flop_misc: Olin in Emerald [www.mocagh.org, Dan Chisarick, Firehawke]
• apple2_flop_orig:
  • Crossbow, Dogfight, Dragon's Keep, The Fidelity Chessmaster 2100, Hyper Head On, Infiltrator, Infiltrator Part II: The Next Day, International Hockey, Oo-Topos, PHM Pegasus, Racter, Roach Hotel, The Rocky Horror Show, The Sands of Mars, Snoggle, Succession, Super Mario Bros. Print World, Tawala's Last Redoubt, Tuesday Morning Quarterback [4am, Firehawke]
  • Olin in Emerald [4am, www.mocagh.org, Dan Chisarick, Firehawke]
  • Star Fleet 1: The War Begins [Brian Wiser, Firehawke]
• gba: Broken Circle (Euro) [No-Intro, FakeShemp]
• ggm: Sandy Edition - Master Chess, Steinitz Edition-4 - Master Chess [anonymous]
• gtfore: Golden Tee Fore! 2002 (V2.00.00), Golden Tee Fore! 2003 (V3.00.04), Golden Tee Fore! 2004 (V4.00.XX), Golden Tee Fore! 2005 (V5.00.XX), Golden Tee Fore! Complete (V6.00.XX) [FakeShemp]
• ibm5150: 2400 A.D. (set 2), Colossus Bridge 4, The Faery Tale Adventure: Book I, Star Pack, UMS II: Nations at War - Planet Editor [FakeShemp]
• ibm5170: Bundesliga Manager Professional, QuickLink II Fax, Veil of Darkness, Vinguiden 1.0 (Sweden) [FakeShemp]
• mac_flop: Balance of the Planet, Lode Runner [FakeShemp]
• saitek_kso: Kasparov Selected Openings [Berger, anonymous]
• sorcerer_cass: Defense [exidyboy]
• spectrum_cass: The Quill Adventure System (C series) (set 1, C05) [David Haywood]
• vgmplay: Air Rescue (Sega System 32), Alien3 - The Gun (Sega System 32), Barunba (MSX2), Barunba (PC Engine), Blaster Master - Enemy Below (Nintendo Game Boy Color), Bosconian (MSX), Cueb Runner (Sharp X68000), Dragon Buster (Sharp X68000), Fist of the North Star (NES), Fist of the North Star - 10 Big Brawls for the King of Universe (Nintendo Game Boy), Fray (MSX2), Hokuto no Ken (Family Computer), Illusion City (MSX turbo R), Image Fight (Sharp X68000), John Madden Football II (PC), King & Balloon (MSX), Kyuukyoku Tiger (Sharp X68000), Mappy (NEC PC-8801), Pac-Land (Sharp X68000), Pac-Man (MSX), R-Type (Sharp X68000), The Return of Ishtar (Fujitsu FM77AV), The Return of Ishtar (NEC PC-8801), The Return of Ishtar (NEC PC-9801), SHM (MSX2), Tank Battalion (MSX), Terra Cresta (Sharp X68000), Thunder Dragon (Arcade), Total Carnage (IBM PC AT), Toy Story Racer (Nintendo Game Boy Color), Turok - Battle of the Bionosaurs (Nintendo Game Boy), Turok - Rage Wars (Nintendo Game Boy Color), Turok 2 - Seeds of Evil (Nintendo Game Boy Color), Turok 3 - Shadow of Oblivion (Nintendo Game Boy Color), XVM (MSX) [Tafoid]
• vsmile_cart:
  • Abenteuer im ABC Park (Germany, Rev. 3), The Batman - Rettung von Gotham City (Germany) [TeamEurope]
  • The Batman - Rescate en Gotham City (Spain), Bob der Baumeister - Bobs spannender Arbeitstag (Germany, Rev. 104), Bob y sus Amigos - Un Día De Trabajo (Spain), Campeonato de Futbol V.Smile (Spain), Disney/Pixar Cars - Acelera el Motor en Radiador Springs (Spain), Disney/Pixar À Procura de Nemo - Nemo À Descoberta do Oceano (Portugal), DreamWorks Shrek - El Cuento de la Dragona (Spain), Lil' Bratz Estrellas De La Moda - Amigos, Moda y Diversión (Spain), Noddy - Detective Por um Dia (Portugal), Scooby-Doo - Misterio En El Parque (Spain, translucent blue cartridge), Superman - El Hombre de Acero (Spain), Walt Disney La Cenicienta - Los sueños mágicos de Cenicienta (Spain) [TeamEurope, ClawGrip]

Software list items promoted to working

• dragon_cart: Speech Synthesis Module [Nigel Barnes]

New NOT_WORKING software list additions

• gj4000: Wissen für Kinder [TeamEurope]
• gl6000sl: Update - Rechtschreibreform [TeamEurope]
• glcx: Update Programm-Zusatzkassette (Ger) [TeamEurope]
• gls: Spielend Richtig Schreiben [TeamEurope]
• ibm5170: Strike Commander, Strike Commander: Speech Pack, Strike Commander: Tactical Operations [FakeShemp]
• mac_flop: The Supercars - Test Drive II Car Disk [FakeShemp]
• mac_hdflop: Lost in Time - Parts 1 & 2 [FakeShemp]
• st_flop: Ferrari Formula One (Euro) [FakeShemp]
• vsmile_cart:
  • Cranium - Freizeit Park - Ein Jahrmarkt voller Spiel- und Lernspaß (Germany), Dolphis Wasser-abenteuer (Germany) [TeamEurope]
  • Cranium - Parque de Atracciones de Cranium (Spain), Dakota y su mascota (Spain), Disney/Pixar Toy Story 2 (Smartbook) (USA), Disney's Little Einsteins (Spain), Kung Fu Panda - Aventura en el Valle de la Paz (Spain), Nick Jr. Dora the Explorer - Dora's Got a Puppy (Smartbook) (USA), Spider-Man y Amigos - Misiones Secretas (Spain, Rev. 222), V.Smile Estudio De Arte (Spain), V.Smile PC (Spain), Walt Disney La Cenicienta - Los sueños mágicos de Cenicienta (Spain, Rev. 122) [TeamEurope, ClawGrip]
• vsmilem_cart: Disney La Casa de Mickey Mouse (Spain), Disney Winnie the Pooh - En busca de la miel (Spain), Disney/Pixar Cars - Acelera el Motor en Radiador Springs (Spain), Disney/Pixar Toy Story 3 (Spain), Disney/Pixar UP (Spain), Disney/Pixar Wall-E (Spain), DreamWorks Monstruos contra Alienígenas (Spain), ¡¡Scooby-Doo!! - Misterio en el parque (Spain) [TeamEurope, avlixa, ClawGrip]

Source Changes

• bus/ss50: Corrected SS-30 MPS2 “high” Baud rates. [68bit]
  
• bus/ss50: Don’t log reads from empty SS-50 slots when side effects are disabled. [68bit]
  
• flex_dsk.cpp: Fixed logging of the disk name extension. [68bit]
  
• swtpc09.cpp: Added hard disk support to the DMAF3 controller. [68bit]
  
  • Includes new WD1000 hard disk controller support, and improved DMAF2/DMAF3 MC6844 DMA emulation.
• mc6845.cpp: Improved cursor emulation, including differences between the MC6845 and HD6845S. [68bit]
  
• asmjs: Removed option to ignore missing libraries, and removed util and SDL2_ttf from link libraries. [68bit]
  
• unidasm: Added -xchbytes option to swap input bytes. [AJR]
  
• Added dump and emulation for Alpha Micro AM-310 Communications Controller. [AJR, Bitsavers]
  
• m37710: Internalized timing for analog-to-digital converter. [AJR]
  
• Distinguish DIP switches that belong to different devices but have the same name in UI menus. [AJR]
  
  • Most likely to occur when multiple instances of the same device type are configured on bus slots.
• h8: Improved disassembly. [AJR]
  
  • Corrected sign extension for 16-bit absolute addresses.
  • Add h' prefix to hexadecimal numbers.
  • Restrict address length depending on model.
  • Align arguments.
• airbustr.cpp, djboy.cpp, hvyunit.cpp, sidearms.cpp: Corrected sound IRQ sources. [AJR]
  
• c140.cpp: Added timing output to trigger periodic FIRQ. [AJR]
  
• h6820: Added a hack to work around incorrect music speed in cbuster.cpp, darkseal.cpp and vaportra.cpp (MT00130, MT00389, MT02108). [AJR]
  
• prestige.cpp: Corrected metadata (glmmc is now gmmc), and marked gmmc system ROM as a bad dump. [AJR]
  
• h6280: Reduced logical address space width, and made debugger use official names for banking registers. [AJR]
  
• exidy440.cpp: Fixed crash/assertion failure caused by palette having too few entries. [AJR]
  
• Added preliminary ELAN Microelectronics RISC II CPU emulation. [AJR]
  
• dp8350.cpp: Improved timing, and fixed save states. [AJR]
  
• nes.hsi: Fixed mirroring for Ultimate Stuntman. [AJR]
  
• Fixed debugger dump command for address-shifted spaces. [AJR]
  
• snes.cpp: Don’t reset HDMA on writes to HDMAEN if the register value isn’t changed (fixes MT06205). [AmatCoder]
  
• g65816, spc700: Improved cycle counting (fixes MT06901 and MT07419). [AmatCoder]
  
• crospuzl.cpp: Improved Flash loading. [Angelo Salese]
  
• VRender0 updates: [Angelo Salese]
  
  • Improved menghong hardware emulation, allowing crzyddz2 to boot and improving menghong colors.
  • Moved video and audio components into the system-on-a-chip device, and added preliminary UART emulation.
  • Allowed external video clock to be set by the host driver.
• segaic24.cpp: Implemented reverse Y clipping logic (fixes sprite priorities in Crack Down). [Angelo Salese]
  
• archimds.cpp updates: [Angelo Salese]
  
  • Fixed cursor enable and sizing (used by caverns to display score and main player sprite).
  • Added preliminary RTFM and serial joystick support.
  • Re-implemented Acorn VIDC10 emulation, adding stereo sound support and improving raster effects.
• segac2.cpp: Added links to reference videos. [cam900]
  
• gba.xml: Corrected ROM size for brokenc. [cam900]
  
• k051649.cpp: Added more address map mirrors, added save state support, and cleaned up code. [cam900]
  
• ym2151.cpp: Clear both output buffers when reset is asserted. [cam900]
  
• psikyosh.cpp: Refactored common pixel operations into helper functions, improved use of const, and cleaned up code. [cam900]
  
• ay8910.cpp: Implemented AY8930 extensions, made pin 26 an input, added notes, and cleaned up code. [cam900]
  
• deco_mlc.cpp: Improved blending behavior and cleaned up code. [cam900]
  
• mega32x.cpp: Removed assumptions about host system’s sound outputs (fixes MT07412). [cam900]
  
• 315_5313.cpp: Fixed 3-bit color mode masking, implemented device_gfx_interface, and separated shadow/highlight palettes. [cam900]
  
• calcune.cpp: Converted drawing routine to use VDP palette, added save state support, and reduced redundant code. [cam900]
  
• video/generic.cpp: Added 16×16 layouts composed of 2×2 arrangement of 8×8 tiles, and made a number of drivers use generic layouts. [cam900]
  
• imagetek_i4100.cpp: Added notes and cleaned up code. [cam900]
  
• hyprduel.cpp: Set MACHINE_NO_COCKTAIL flag on hyprduel and hyprduel2. [cam900]
  
• nmk16.cpp: Verified some clock sources and CPU types. [cam900]
  
• legionna.cpp: Always invalidate tilemaps on bank change for Denjin Makai and Heated Barrel. [cam900]
  
• plugins/cheat: Added time functions to the cheat sandbox. [Carl]
  
• netlist: Force C locale when formatting numbers (fixes exception when global locale is set). [Couriersud]
  
• spectrum: Added preliminary Beta Disk emulation (not working). [David Haywood]
  
• karnov.cpp: Hooked up 8031 microcontroller for chelnovjbl. [Dirk Best]
  
• model3.cpp: Hook up 315-5649 I/O controller. [Dirk Best]
  
• HP9845: Reimplemented TACO based on recently-published internal documentation. [F.Ulivi]
  
  • Also separated DC100 tape cartridge device, and added support for 16-bit data format used by HP9845 and HP885.
• hphybrid: Fixed bug that caused hp9825t to hang when calculating logarithms. [F.Ulivi]
  
• Don’t throttle emulation while paused if video update-in-pause is enabled. [feos]
  
• icebox.cpp: Hooked up floppy controller interrupt request, allowing disk routines to work properly. [Frank Palazzolo]
  
• apple2: Corrected Joyport multiplexing. [Golden Child]
  
• apple2: Fixed key code for Ctrl-Shift-P and modifier codes for M and N on II and II Plus. [Golden Child]
  
• segacrp2_device.cpp: Added NEC D315-5136 device (used by lucky8k). [Grull Osgo]
  
• sh: Log SH2 FMR clock multiplier writes. [MetalliC]
  
• cps3.cpp updates – imperfect graphics flag has been removed: [MetalliC]
  
  • Hooked up coin lockouts and coin counters, and connected buttons 5 and 6 to jojo, jojoba and clones.
  • Made SS RAM and registers eight bits wide and fixed EEPROM size.
  • Added fixed delay to palette/character DMA interrupts, and removed periodic interrupt hack.
  • Fixed missing star sprite in introduction and game title background color for jojo.
  • Render tilemaps as sets of rows from sprite list (fixes sfiii Alex stage background).
  • Implemented sprite list caching (fixes warzard two-player versus screen and jojo introduction text).
  • Replaced disk images version 5 CHD files build from trurip database.
  • Re-implemented color fading, and zeroed low three bits of color channels.
  • Improved save state support, Improved function/variable naming, cleaned up code, and improved documentation.
• cps3.cpp: Implemented tilemap flipping, added a delay to sprite list DMA acknowledgement, and buffered global scroll registers. [MetalliC, David Haywood]
  
• geneve: Added PC keyboard connector, allowing the use of emulated PC XT keyboards. [Michael Zapf]
  
• m6502: Improved reset sequence emulation (fixes MT06486). [MoochMcGee, hap, smf]
  
• Exposed running_machine::exit_pending() and running_machine::hard_reset_pending() to Lua scripts. [Nathan Woods]
  
• Changed osd_get_clipboard_text() to return std::string. [Nathan Woods]
  
• dragon32: Added JCB Speech Synthesis cartridge emulation. [Nigel Barnes]
  
• acorn_vidc.cpp: Generate µ-law table at device start time. [O. Galibert, Angelo Salese]
  
• tms34020: Fixed BLMOVE alignment handling (fixes endless loop in Atronic games). [Priit Laes]
  
• apple2: Added initial support for ComputerEyes/2 image capture slot card. [R. Belmont, Golden Child]
  
• f2mc16 updates: [R. Belmont]
  
  • Implemented more opcodes.
  • Made interrupt handling more robust.
  • Implemented mb9061x timers 0 and 1, including external event counter mode.
  • Fixed BBC branch offset.
  • Added more opcodes to the disassembler and normalized bit syntax.
  • Added save state support and cleaned up code.
• Added a preliminary native Cocoa OSD layer for macOS (not working yet). [R. Belmont]
  
• mac.cpp, mac128.cpp: Made default mapping for Command key right alt for all machines. [R. Belmont]
  
• Emulated Sega Billboard and hooked it up to ST-V, Model 2 and Model 3 games. [Rob Krum, Dirk Best]
  
• i8251: Implemented synchronous modes. [Robbbert]
  
• unior.cpp, pp01.cpp: Fixed cassette interfaces. [Robbbert]
  
• pmd85.cpp: Added cassette to alfa and mato, fixed cassette on other sets, and added notes. [Robbbert]
  
• poly88.cpp: Fixed cassette polyphase mode. [Robbbert]
  
• argo.cpp: added DMA, CRTC, PIT and cassette by guesswork. [Robbbert]
  
• plan80.cpp: Added speaker sound. [Robbbert]
  
• pk8020.cpp: Fixed keyboard and updated notes (MT05802). [Robbbert]
  
• mycom.cpp: Fixed scrolling. [Robbbert]
  
• goldnpkr.cpp: Replaced incorrectly dumped jokercar extended graphics ROMs with data from another set to make the game playable. [Roberto Fresca]
  
• goldstar.cpp: Simplified cherrys graphics decryption code. [Roberto Fresca]
  
• igspoker.cpp updates: [Roberto Fresca]
  
  • Patched out protection in cpokert, cpokerx, cpoker101, cpoker201f and cpoker210ks (MT03635).
  • Fixed inputs for cpoker, cpokert and cpoker201f.
• SGI Newport graphics: Fixed inverted-Y pixel read-back (fixes crash in Alias PowerAnimator 7.5). [Ryan Holtz]
  
• r4000: Report the correct sub-revision for the R4600, and allow specific R4x00 types to specify the FPU ID as well. [Ryan Holtz]
  
• indigo.cpp: Switched indigo4k to use the new R4000 CPU core. [Ryan Holtz]
  
• SGI HAL2 audio: Corrected chip revision ID to match real hardware. [Ryan Holtz]
  
• sgi_mc: Flag EISA bus as present on both Indigo² and Indy, as VINO uses EISA signals for GIO64 arbitration. [Ryan Holtz]
  
• vino: Implemented the majority of its functionality, and hooked it up to picture_image_device. [Ryan Holtz]
  
• hh_sm510.cpp: Improved re-created melody ROMs for gnw_bfight and gnw_mbaway. [algestam]
  
• debugger: Added mips and m68k support to gdbstub, and added support for running MAME debugger commands from the client. [Ramiro Polla]
  
• Changed Travis CI build to use GCC 9, and added MinGW GCC build to AppVeyor. [Belegdol]
  
• marineb.cpp: Documented difficulty settings for hoccer, and added DIP switch locations for most sets. [Brian Troha]
  
• policetr.cpp: Re-dumped U163 sound ROM for policetr10, and added speed-up hacks for sshooter, sshooter11 and policetr10. [Brian Troha]
  
• karnov.cpp: Re-dumped color BPROMS for chelnovj, confirming they match chelnov/chelnovu. [Brian Troha]
  
• ibm5170.xml updates: [FakeShemp]
  
  • Changed gilispa, mitsmous6, nd010pci, nusound, sndwav32 and wordfndr to IMD images.
  • Changed scroll3d, sndwav32, cpavfw, microcp3, wordfndr and thndrhwk to MFM images.
  • Re-dumped internet and nicklaus.
• ibm5150.xml: Replaced tgipack and ranger1 with MFM images. [FakeShemp]
  
• amiga_hardware.xml: Dumped a590_seagate disk. [FakeShemp]
  
• blackt96.cpp: Measured PIC microcontroller clock frequency. [Guru]
  
• wyvernf0.cpp: Measured clock frequencies. [Guru]
  
• symbolics.cpp: Changed unpopulated ROM regions to read as 0xFF to match hardware tests. [Josh Dersch]
  
• neptunp2.cpp: Added EEPROM dump to rockroll. [jordigahan, ClawGrip]
  
• commando.cpp: Corrected CPU frequency and updated notes. [Jose Tejada]
  
• gng.cpp: Corrected notes. [Jose Tejada]
  
• midvunit.cpp: Added re-created A19993 PAL program. [JROK, Hydreigon]
  
• naomi.cpp: Re-dumped initdv2ja and ggxxsla GD-ROMs. [MajorPBX]
  
• sprint4.cpp: Fixed gear shift controls for fourth player. [Mark Spaeth]
  
• bfm_sc4.cpp, exidyttl.cpp, globalfr.cpp, jpmmps.cpp, monacogp.cpp, mpu5.hxx, simple_st0016.cpp: Edited titles for consistency. [MASH]
  
• genpc.cpp updates: [rfka01]
  
  • Increased pc BIOS region size to 64 KiB to support late XT clones.
  • pc: “Added Super Computer BIOS 1.2”, “B-190-B”, “KT 10 M/B” and “Ruud Baltissen's Diagnostics” BIOS options.
• at.cpp updates: [rfka01]
  
  • Expanded chipset details and notes.
  • at: Added “286 TACT”, “CDTEK 286” and “Landmark/Supersoft diagnostic ROMs” BIOS options.
  • at386: Added “386 board with Ali chipset”, “386 UMC 3DIUD”, “386GRN-like board rev.03”, “MB1325PM” and “Tandon/Micronics with 385” BIOS options.
  • atvga: Added “286 TACT” and “CDTEK 286” BIOS options.
  • neat: added “286-NEAT”, “VIP BAM/16-11” and “CP-805” BIOS options.
  • vlsi5: Added “MBVLSI-168” BIOS option.
• ibmpc.cpp: Added “Landmark/Supersoft Diagnostics” BIOS options for ibm5150 and ibm5160. [rfka01]
  
• hawk.cpp: Added “DEMOS 2.21 V1.01” BIOS option. [TheEPROM9]
  
• cps1.cpp: Dumped U104 PAL for Street Fighter II' CE Mstreet-6 bootlegs sf2cems6a and sf2cems6b. [TwistedTom]
  
• chinagat.cpp: Added PCB layouts and TRJ-100 pinout information, and updated notes. [yukaritamura]
  
• supbtime.cpp: Fixed DE-0343 board main CPU and audio CPU clock frequencies. [yukaritamura]
  

Part II: In this half of this article, I discuss generic metal coin manufacturers and other options for adding metal currency to your games. Check out Part I for more info about games that include metal coins and coins designed with a specific game in mind.
Edit: I've fixed the image link for the "new" Terraforming Mars cubes. Thanks to u/halfisglassfull for pointing out the error.
Back in 2016, I posted an article under my other username (u/Luke_Matthews) about my obsession with adding metal coins to board games, which you can read here:
Board Games and Metal Coins, An Obsession
What started as a diversion became an obsession, and since that article bloomed into a full-on compulsion. I’ve upgraded over 60 games with unique metal coins and currency, and I’d like to share the current state of this compulsion and what I’ve learned along the way.
It’s such a strange thing, because metal coinage is a purely aesthetic upgrade. They don’t change game mechanics or offer any extension to the gameplay experience. Even so, deluxe editions have proven there’s a market for aesthetic upgrades, and metal coins have grown into one of the most popular.
I have fallen down the rabbit hole of adding unique, thematic coins for each individual game. This approach is not for everyone. If, instead, you’re interested in adding generic coins you can keep aside and use for multiple games, I’ll talk about what sets I think are the best for that purpose at the end of this article.
For now, let’s get on with the show! GAME TITLES ARE LINKS TO PHOTOS. For a more user-friendly image browsing experience, view this post on my website or on BoardGameGeek.
NOTE: There is no way this will be an exhaustive list of all the metal coins available. I’ll talk about coins I have direct personal experience with, as well as make notes of other coins I don’t have and why I don’t have them. There will likely be a lot of coins not included here, and I encourage you to add your own experiences and pictures in the comments.

FANTASY COIN, LLC

Fantasy Coin is one of the first companies I encountered making a range of different coin styles specifically for gaming applications, without tying them to specific games. Of all the coin manufacturers out there, Fantasy Coin are definitely my favorite. Their coins are thick and heavy with fantastic finishes and colors, and come in a wide array of fantasy and sci-fi themes.
Getting ahold of Fantasy Coin’s products can be a bit fraught, though, as their primary source of income tends to be Kickstarter. Their website frequently sells out, and as their stocks dwindle, they’ll run another Kickstarter to replenish. Once one of their Kickstarters ends and ships, they’ll typically have stock which can be ordered directly from their website, but be warned you might have to do a little research to find out when more are available.
They’ve had some logistical problems with a couple of their Kickstarter campaigns, but for the most part they’re really good at fulfilling them. Their latest campaign was really well handled, and I think they’ve done a great job of addressing their past issues. Some previous backers, IMO, go a little overboard blaming them for mistakes, but forgiveness is not a typical trait of spurned backers.
Don’t listen to the haters. Fantasy Coin’s products are genuinely amazing and come at a great price, especially if you get them in bulk from Kickstarter.

Alchemists

I spent a long time trying to decide what coins I’d get for Alchemists. Since it only really requires one denomination, I had a ton of options (the Charterstone coins are a phenomenal choice, FYI). I decided on these coins from FC’s “Magic” set.

Caverna

Caverna’s one of the first games I upgraded with FC coins, and I have WAY too many coins for the game. They’re real nice, though, all from FC’s “Dwarven” set.

Clank!

Originally, these coins resided in my copy of Lords of Xidit. They’re a great, generic fantasy theme, so can go in many games. Once I picked up the Roll Player coins, though, I thought those were a better fit for LoX, so I moved these over to Clank. And they’re a perfect fit!

Five Tribes

This is probably one of my favorite upgrades using FC coins. I couldn’t find any really good, affordable Arabic- or Middle East-themed coins (at the time, there are some now), so I decided to lean into the fantasy side for Five Tribes. The silver coins are from FC’s “Serpent” set, and the golds are from their “Air Elemental” set. I think both work really well as representations of djinn.
Some people complain, when using coins like this for Five Tribes, you can’t hide their denominations. If it’s important to you to do so, I suggest getting either pouches or player screens to keep the coins hidden. However, I’ve never once found open money to have a significant impact on the game, so we just don’t bother.

Lancaster

I was originally planning on putting the old Brass coins into my copy of Lancaster, but when FC launched their latest Kickstarter and I saw their “Nottingham” set, I just couldn’t resists such a perfect thematic match.

Lunarchitects

Lunarchitects doesn’t actually have currency in-game, but one of the other great uses for metal coins is as victory point chits. Lunarchitects has a LOT of VP chits, and I definitely went overboard here, but it’s such a great game and I love these “Sci-Fi” coins from FC.

Nippon

There are actually several different options for Japanese themed coins, including the Yokohama metal coins and Artana’s Japanese set (which you’ll see in the next section). I chose to go with Fantasy Coin’s “Feudal Japan” coins for Nippon, because I just love the way they look.

Race/Roll for the Galaxy

Here’s another couple of games without currency, but for which I’ve replaced the VP chits with metal coins. In this instance, I don’t think I went overboard at all, and these “Credits” coins from FC are just an amazing aesthetic upgrade for two classic games.

Yedo

Yedo is one of my wife’s all-time favorite games, and ranks high in the worker placement genre for me. So, naturally, I bought the same “Feudal Japan” coins I used for Nippon for my copy of Yedo.

ARTANA

While Fantasy Coin is the company you’d turn to for fantastical and sci-fi-themed coins, Artana’s where you go when you’re looking for something with a more historical bent. While they don’t mimic specific real-world coinage, their designs evoke real-world cultures and time periods, which make them a fantastic choice for your average Eurogame. They tend to be lighter and thinner than Fantasy Coin, but not in a bad way. They also have 5 different sizes and finishes, from “Tiny” – which live up to their name – to “Jumbo” which are larger than a US half-dollar.
Artana’s coins used to only be available via Kickstarter, but they’ve since shifted their model to selling through game-bling websites like The Broken Token and Top Shelf Gamer. Since many coin manufacturers still rely on periodic crowd-funding to release new products, Artana’s consistent availability makes them unique.
I have just as many Artana coins as Fantasy Coin, and for good reason: they’re awesome. I’m primarily a Eurogame player so their coins are a thematic match for a lot of games I own. Their price-point is roughly the same as Fantasy Coin – on the lower end of the spectrum, overall – although because they have five different sizes and styles in every coin set, the price point varies depending on what specific coins you buy.

Akrotiri

I’m still genuinely surprised at how perfect Artana’s “Ancient Greek” coins are for Akrotiri. The specific motif perfectly matches the designs in the game, and I couldn’t ask for more.

Archipelago

For Archipelago I wanted coins fitting a 1700’s nautical aesthetic. These are from Artana’s “Pirate Ships” theme. The other coins in the set were a little too “skull and crossbones” for what I wanted (although colonizers ARE just another form of pirate), but I thought these two coins fit the theme really well.

Castles of Mad King Ludwig

I mean, these “Early English Kings” coins aren’t technically thematically appropriate. But I had them and figured I’d toss them in with a game set in 1800’s Bavaria because… well because the game needed some coins.

Concordia

Got a game set in ancient Rome? Get some “Ancient Roman” coins!

Istanbul

Again, near-perfectly themed coins from Artana’s “Persia & Asia Minor” theme. I really like the way these coins look with Istanbul.

Troyes

Artana’s “Middle Ages” theme is great for a game set… in the middle ages. They’re a little more Anglo-Saxon than Frank or Norman, but no one’s ever really going to notice. Ystari games once made coins for Caylus which were a perfect thematic match for Troyes; alas, they are no longer available.

The Voyages of Marco Polo

These are the first Artana coins I ever picked up, from their “Renaissance” theme, and they couldn’t look better in this game.

Yamatai

Really, any of the Japanese-themed metal coins I’ve seen or owned – from the Tokaido coins to Fantasy Coin’s “Feudal Japan” theme – would work well in Yamatai. But as beautiful as this game is, I wanted something with a bit more variety. Artana’s “Japanese” theme fit the bill perfectly.

Giochix Historical Coins

I’m a little torn on the Giochix Historical Coins. On the one hand, they’re nice sizes and weights, and they feel and sound great. On the other hand, they’re not really filling any sort of necessary niche. Artana has the “historical” space covered pretty well, and Fantasy Coin’s selection of SFF themes is pretty universal. If they were going to create specifically thematic coins, I wish they’d have filled some of the holes in this tiny industry, or just gone completely generic, which actually would’ve fit their physicality a little better.
All that said, Giochix did manage to create a couple of themes I found useful, specifically their “Pre-Colombian” theme, which is an area of the world other companies have neglected. It is, however, pretty niche, and I understand why they chose to make more applicable themes for Eurogames.
I only have two minor gripes: First, the shiny finish – while not necessarily bad in and of itself – does make the denominations a little hard to tell apart at a distance. Second, the relief on the faces of the coins is very shallow, looking much more like modern Euros than anything fantastical or historical. The problem this leads to is making it very difficult to differentiate coins from different themes, but if they’re assigned to a specific game this shouldn’t really be an issue. (It’s only an issue for nutty people like me who have this many different coin sets.)
They’re a good price, coming in at about 24¢ (US) per coin, which is on the low end of the scale. Their affordability goes a long way to ameliorate the complaints I have. Now, it’s just a matter of figuring out their availability outside Kickstarter.

Altiplano

There aren’t many coins out there with a South/Central American theme, so when Giochix made their “Pre-Colombian” set, I knew I had to put some in my copy of Altiplano.

Lost Cities: The Board Game

Uh… same.

Heaven & Ale

Okay, so it’s a bit of a stretch to have Giochix’s “Spanish Colonial” set representing Heaven & Ale, a game about beer-brewing monks more likely set in Germany or Belgium, but there were Benedictine monasteries on the Iberian peninsula, so I’m just gonna run with it.

Isle of Skye

“Celtic Apogee”. Can’t be a better fit. As a side note, the metal coins for Clans of Caledonia would also be a great match for Isle of Skye, but I wanted to differentiate the two.

Lorenzo Il Magnifico

This very Italian game deserved some perfectly-themed “Medieval Italian” coinage.

Roman Coins

Since I got these sets in bulk from Giochix’s Kickstarter, I ended up also getting their “Ancient Rome” set. But I have no game to put it in. I would be suitable for Concordia or Trajan or any game set in Ancient Rome, but I already have coins in Concordia, and no other game with a Roman setting at the moment. Here’s a picture anyway.

REAL CURRENCY

Sometimes, fake coins either aren’t the answer or aren’t available. If you can’t find fake coins for your games, the best option might be actual currency, either historical or current. I’ve used real currency in 5 games, so far.
The real problem with acquiring real currency, especially if it’s historical or foreign (I’m in the US), is availability and price. Most of the time you’re not going to find it any cheaper than fake coinage, and getting enough coins in large enough lots to use for board games can sometimes be a chore. If you’re willing to do the extra legwork, though, you can get ahold of some really nice coins.

Ukrainian Kopiyka/Hryvna

When I published the original version of this article, I saw people shortly after talking about Ukrainian coinage for games. I followed through on picking some up, because they are INSANELY cheap in this context, running about 8¢ per coin. Which, incidentally, is massively higher than the exchange rate for some of them, but still massively cheaper than fake coinage. The design is pretty, and is the same across all the kopiykas, and they come in all the standard European denominations.
There’s a problem, though. The 1s and 10s are extremely small, thin, and light. Smaller and thinner than a dime, and significantly lighter. For me, this is a massive issue, for a number of reasons. They’re so small and thin I actually have trouble picking them up, which makes them frustrating to use. But more importantly, they’re not really an aesthetic upgrade from punchboard coins. Every time I used them, I found myself disappointed and just wanting to go back to the cardboard ones.
There is one MASSIVE exception here: the Ukrainian 1 Hryvna coins, which I’ll detail below under “Village”.

Camel Up

I put a set of these in Camel Up, and that’s what I’m using for the pictures. But, honestly, I’m going to replace them very soon.

Village

The unlike the kopiykas, the 1 Hryvna coins are actually pretty fantastic. They’re a little bigger than a quarter, and they’re really beautiful. You’ll have to cope with a very, very Orthodox design, and they’re obviously only good for games with a single denomination. But all those features make them really perfect for Village, a game with a small number of single denomination coins and a church as a major part of the theme!

Le Havre/Le Havre: The Inland Port

I couldn’t find good, fake coins for Le Havre, so I just bought real ones! These are WWII-era aluminum “Emergency Coins” from France, and they’re absolutely fantastic. They’re a little light, being made from aluminum, but they’re beautiful and thematic, even if the time period is a little off.
Beware, though: There are two different kinds of these coins. Some are from the French Republic, occupied in WWII by the Germans but still opposed to them, and some are from Vichy France, a French state who became collaborationists with the Germans. You can tell them apart (both physically and in ideology) by their mottos: The Republic coins say “Liberte, Egalite, Fraternite” (or “Liberty, Equality, Fraternity”), where the Vichy coins say “Travail, Famille, Patrie” (or “Work, Family, Fatherland”. YEAH).
Don’t get the Nazi-adjacent coins.

Grand Austria Hotel

Good Austrian coins for games are hard to find at a good price. The thematic ones – especially for a game like Grand Austria Hotel – are prohibitively expensive. Granted, it’s not entirely necessary to replace the money tracks in GAH, but I wanted to anyway.
I ended up picking up a bunch of semi-modern Austrian Groschen. They’re a little small, and they might be too modern for the theme, but they’re Austrian and that’s enough for me.

Great Western Trail

I absolutely can’t take credit for this particular idea. I saw a reply on BGG from user TRONOFOTHEDEAD with the idea of using Indian Head Pennies and Buffalo Nickels for Great Western Trail, and I followed suit. I gotta say, I *love* these coins for this game, especially the 2-cent coin as the round marker.
This is a rather expensive upgrade. The bulk of the coins aren’t too bad. The Buffalo Nickels are actually only about 7¢ per coin, but the Indian Head Pennies run about 60¢ each. The two, together, average about 37¢ per coin, which is on the high end, but not terrible.
It’s the 2-cent coin which really breaks things, though. I paid $14 for the 2-cent coin alone, the common price range is for coins in not great shape. To be fair, when shopping for coins like these, you’re rarely going to get coins in decent shape at these prices. This is the cost for what are called “culls”, or coins collectors have separated out as junk and are selling in bulk because they’re not collectible.
But they’re perfect for board games!
As a side note, the metal coins for Montana: Heritage Edition are a near-perfect thematic match for Great Western Trail, if Big Kid Games decides to sell them at retail.

Russian Railroads

I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect upgrade than these. The included coins are clearly modeled after rubles, so real rubles are a great replacement. This set was comparatively expensive, costing me about $18 for 20 coins, but since I only needed those 20 and they were so thematically perfect, I bit the bullet.
The problem, now, is 90’s era rubles are pretty difficult to find. I tried searching for them on eBay (where I got these) and couldn’t find a decent lot.

OTHER GENERIC COINS

These are a couple of examples of other fake coins not specifically designed for board games, but which work well under certain circumstances.

Pachinko Tokens

Pachinko tokens are an absolutely fantastic option for generic coins, especially if you want something vaguely U.S.A. themed. I originally bought a large lot of them for a planned LARP which never materialized, and have since repurposed them for several different games. Almost all pachinko/pachislo tokens are about the same size and weight as a US quarter, and most of them will come with Japanese, vaguely American, or casino/gambling designs. Mine are mostly U.S.A. themed, so I use them in games with a modern Western theme.

No Thanks

No Thanks doesn’t actually have currency, per se, but it does have a set of tokens used for gameplay. My generic gold pachinko tokens fit the bill very well.

Panamax

Finding modern-themed fake coinage is actually rather impossible, so pachinko tokens work really well in modern western settings like Panamax or…

Suburbia

Again, modern Western setting, and nearly thematic coins to go with it. A great addition to Suburbia. At least right up until I get my copy of the Collector’s Edition, which includes bespoke metal coins!

Pirate Dubloons

“Pirate Dubloon” is probably the most ubiquitous theme in fake coinage, both metal and plastic. I got these particular coins on Amazon, for really cheap. They’re about he same size as a US quarter and come in 4 different finishes.
Note: these are the same coins Eagle & Gryphon Games sells for Empires: Age of Discovery, but they’re MUCH cheaper on Amazon and can be obtained in larger quantities.

Libertalia

I don’t have a hell of a lot of pirate-themed games in my collection, so I found the one game they work really well with.

CUSTOM POKER CHIPS

Some games just scream for custom poker chips instead of metal coins, and I can’t help but oblige. I’ve made custom chips both for currency and tokens for games, but I’ve only included pictures of the currency here. Making custom poker chips is actually fairly easy with a set of relatively inexpensive tools. I’ve created a tutorial on how to do it, which you can find HERE. That tutorial also has links for artwork which can be used for printing your own stickers for the games I detail here.

Capital Lux

The square wood “coins” included with Capital Lux, frankly, baffle me. They neither look like gold coins nor match the theme of the game, and for a card game as beautiful as Capital Lux, with stunning art from the always amazing Kwanchai Moriya, they actually detract. So it was a no-brainer for me to design chips for the game.

For Sale

For Sale could easily have been upgraded with metal coins, but something about the punchboard design just called to me for custom poker chips.

NON-COIN CURRENCY

Sometimes a game has some form of currency that – GASP! – isn’t coins. There are still tons of opportunities to upgrade currency like this, though!

Castles of Burgundy

The “Ore” from Stonemaier’s Treasure Chest is a perfect upgrade for the Silverlings in Castles of Burgundy.📷

Lord$ of Vega$

There’s a chance I may replace these with full-size custom poker chips some day, but for right now I love using these mini poker chips in Lord$ of Vega$. These particular chips aren’t available anymore, as far as I know, which is a shame. They’re the only mini poker chips I’ve found modeled after regular chips instead of the plastic, ridged ones, which I viscerally dislike.

Patchwork

I mean, this one’s just obvious, right?

Terraforming Mars

Okay, there are a couple of different sites offering a metal cube upgrade for Terraforming Mars, to replace the metallic plastic cubes included with the game. The upgrade is phenomenal, and it was one of the first things I ordered after getting the game.
Here’s a pic of that set.
But it’s always bothered me that the “gold” cubes in the set are the gold bars from the Stonemaier Treasure Chest instead of actual cubes. I know it’s a piddling thing, but it just seemed a little off.
A friend of mine, Eric, is the biggest Terraforming Mars fanatic I know. My gaming group plays the game a lot, and Eric plays it even more, with multiple groups he joins to play. So it only makes sense he’d be the one crazy enough to actually requisition a new set of metal cubes for Terraforming Mars, ones better matching the style of the game by a) actually having CUBES for the gold, and b) all being different sizes.
Here’s a pic of these new, awesome cubes.
This set is better, IMO, than the ones you can get from The Broken Token**. Eric** plans to make them available via an Etsy page soon, and I’ll update this article with a link as soon as it’s up and running.

DISHONORABLE MENTION

I know I already mentioned the coins for Tokaido’s Collector’s Edition, but before I bought the CE I had these coins for my retail edition. They’re unmitigated garbage.
They’re thin and flimsy and tiny and they don’t sound great or feel particularly good and they’re really not any better than the carboard coins and they’re Chinese and not Japanese and they’re trash.
A pic of these awful coins
I paid $2.47 for 40 coins, shipped, and I got ripped off, honestly.

COINS I DON’T OWN AND WHY

Obviously I’m not going to go into detail here about games I don’t own which include metal coins. I mentioned several sets in the Bespoke section above. But here are some details on some metal coins made by other companies and why I haven’t added them to any of my games.
The main reason I don’t own any of these is price. I was willing to spend the extra bucks for game-specific coins for LoW and 7 Wonders, and maybe my set of Russian Rubles, because the theming made it (sort of) worth the extra cost (I’ll be honest: I own and love those coins, but probably wouldn’t pay the price again. Maybe. I think?). Most of the coins below cost nearly the same (75₵-$1 per coin), but aren’t specifically themed for a board game.
In a lot of cases, getting enough coins for a board game involves multiple “sets” – as the manufacturers define them – so you don’t run short during play. With these manufacturers, multiple sets just end up being too damned spendy. That being said, the coins they make do look fantastic. The designs are really good, but they’ll need to come down in price before I’d be willing to buy some.

Legendary Metal Coins by Drawlab

The designs here are really great. I contemplated getting a set of their Arabic theme for Five Tribes, but I couldn’t justify the cost. Even in bulk, at their cheapest offering, they’re still 70₵ per coin. Most games, in my experience, require 50-60 coins to ensure you don’t run out at higher player counts, which rounds out to about $35-$48 for a set (depending on how you acquire them). That’s a little above my top end; half-again to double what I paid for the coins from Fantasy Coin and Artana.

Campaign Coins

Campaign Coins are really beautiful, and have the most “high fantasy” feel of any I’ve found. I actually considered getting sets from them for Lords of Xidit, simply because they match better thematically. However, at their cheapest, they’re about identical in price to the Legendary coins, so just out of my range.

Minion Games

Minion Games doesn’t have a wide variety, with only two different themes: “Metal Dragon Coins” and “Futuristic Metal Coins” (the coins for Hegemonic), and they range in price from 70₵ to 90₵ per coin. Which is, frankly, absurd.
They’re cool looking coins, but they’re absolutely not worth the price.

Moedas & Co

The only reason I don’t have experience with Moedas’s coins is because I just haven’t ordered any yet. They have some very awesome bespoke coins for specific games, including the giants like Terra Mystica, Great Western Trail, Lisboa, and more. Their prices are right in line with companies like Artana and Fantasy Coin, and their coins look genuinely great.
They’re a Brazilian company and their website doesn’t handle currency conversion, so to place an order in North America you have to e-mail them directly, which does add a layer of difficulty. It’s not something I’m at all averse to doing – the owner replies occasionally on BGG and other users have posted positively about their products and service – I just haven’t done it yet.

Never Stop Tops & Coins

Again, gorgeous, but expensive. Not quite as expensive as some of the others here, but still just outside what I would consider affordable. And, honestly, I haven’t seen any recent information about this company, so they may not be making coins anymore.

Shire Post Mint

Shirepost’s coins aren’t really viable for this kind of application. They primarily do licensed coins (Lord of the Rings, Kingkiller Chronicle, A Song of Ice and Fire, etc.), and they’re not built for bulk orders. They’re designed to be a novelty, and are wildly expensive, coming in at well in excess of $1 per coin. So, they’re cool, but not really worth it for board gaming.

Rare Elements Foundry

Rare Elements Foundry is one of the first companies I ever encountered making metal fantasy coins. Unfortunately, they are ungodly expensive for the most part. Their coins run around $22-$25 for a set of 10, pushing them up to and even beyond Shirepost’s prices. Their coins are very beautiful, but not feasible in quantity.

BEST GENERIC COINS

Here’s the thing: I love upgrading the coins in my games, and I think metal coins add a genuinely massive aesthetic boost. They’re absolutely my favorite type of upgrade. BUT, I also understand buying separate, thematic coin sets for a ton of different games isn’t for everyone. You might want metal coins, but would rather just have one or two generic sets you can use across multiple games whenever you play. So here are my opinions on the best coins for that purpose:
Honorable Mention – Poker Chips
Poker chips, either generic or custom, are a great option. They’re frequently cheaper than metal coins, and you can get them in a bajillion different styles with or without denominations. But they’re not metal, and that’s an issue. They’re a fantastic option, though.
Honorable Mention – Pachinko Tokens
Granted, pachinko tokens have a weird “theme” and they look more modern than thematic, but honestly they’re great coins and you just can’t find a better deal. They come so cheap and in such large quantities I have to mention them here as an option for the budget-conscious.
Honorable Mention – Scythe Coins
The Scythe coins are absolutely fantastic quality and, as I mentioned before, are almost so thematic they’re themeless. If you want a set of coins with a little extra flair and don’t think their odd theming will clash with your games, you absolutely can’t go wrong here.

BEST SINGLE-DENOMINATION COINS – CHARTERSTONE COINS

Stonemaier does it again with their Charterstone metal coins. You absolutely cannot get a better set of coins for games with a single denomination. Some examples of games these coins would work great in are Lancaster, Russian Railroads, Villages of Valeria, Alchemists, and Village. But, basically any game where you only need 1s, get yourself a set of these.
Charterstone Coins

BEST OVERALL GENERIC COINS – SEAFALL COINS

The clear winner here are the Seafall coins from Plaid Hat Games. They may be rather generic, but their design is beautiful, and they’d make a fantastic addition to any game you’d want to use them with. They’re a tiny bit expensive at about 40¢ per coin, but there’s over 100 coins in the set and if you’re only buying them once, it’s an absolute no-brainer.
They’re a great size and weight, and the colors and finishes are unmatched. I really like how distinguishable the colors are on these coins, and I absolutely love the satin finish because it keeps glare low and amps up the color variance, making the coins easy to tell apart from across the table.

If you can only get one set of coins for all your board games, make it this set.

METAL COINS FOR BOARD GAMES, A GEEKLIST

I acquire new coins as I get new games, and sometimes coins change homes when a game leaves my collection. To track and show these changes, I’ve started THIS GEEKLIST on BGG. Do you have metal coins in your collection? Do you want to show them off? Please add your own pics and descriptions to that GeekList! I know my collection is not comprehensive, and the more pictures and suggestions for coins and they games they work with would be incredible!
Thanks for spending the time to peruse my compulsion for metal coins in board games! I hope you’ve enjoyed the pictures and commentary. If you have metal coins of your own and would like to show them off, I’d love to see them added to the GeekList, and I’d love to hear your thoughts.
If you want to talk about metal coins, or DIY upgrades, or board games in general, you can always find me on Twitter @PixelartMeeple, on Instagram @pixelartmeeple, on BGG at PixelartMeeple, and on my website www.pixelartmeeple.com! You can also hear my (much more succinct) thoughts on games on The Five By podcast.
Thanks for reading, and happy gaming!