“A fortune in fabulous prizes may go to these people today, if they know when The Price Is Right!”
Dah-dah-dah-dah. Dah-dah-dah-dah… I catch myself humming the theme song. I’m such a grandma knitting along to late night gameshow re-runs. But Bob Barker’s good company when you're in the middle of nowhere babysitting. The silence out here is disturbing.
“Rachel Donaldson, come on dowwwn! Yooou’re the next contestant on The Price Is Right!”
I glance up at the TV. Rachel’s jumping and squealing and throwing her hands in the air. I bet she’ll win a new car. God, it’s taking me forever to save for mine. I can hear my mom’s voice in my head: “You need to learn the true value of a dollar.” The only handout that woman gives is unwanted advice.
I set down my knitting needles to stretch my fingers. I have to finish one cat fedora, three dog bandanas and a guinea pig sweater by next Friday. My Etsy shoppers seem to love this stuff (not sure about their pets). But even still, I’d have to sell a million Chihuahua beanies to afford a car.
On screen, Rachel Donaldson’s bidding $1 on a 6-person hot tub. Hmm, seems risky to me. But as mom likes to say, “You have to take risks to get ahead.”
“Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!”
And once again mom’s right (boo). Rachel’s gamble paid off. She's through to the next round. Her family goes ballistic in the audience, screaming so loud it’s going to blow out the Richardson’s fancy surround sound.
Shit, I should turn the TV down. If I wake up the kids now, I’ll never get them back to sleep. And cranky kids means cranky parents. I need to keep this gig. Turns out babysitting pays way more than my animal couture line. And Tatiana and Julian are pretty easy to watch . Though tonight they seemed in a funk. Barely spoke. Maybe they decided they don't like me.
I stare down at five remotes sitting next to a fat ‘Entertainment Center’ instruction packet. Seriously? I try the volume button and nothing happens. I hit ‘power’. Still no go. Maybe the 'mute' button? It oddly does the trick. Rachel Donaldson is now noiselessly celebrating, her mouth opening and closing like a goldfish, as a plastic Plinko disc lands on a $5,000 payout.
Ahoooga! Ahoooga!
The noise makes me jump. For a split second I think it's coming from the TV. But, no, the volume’s still muted.
Ahoooga! Ahoooga!
It’s outside. Some kind of… honking? I picture a tiny car full of murderous clowns flashing chainsaws and uzis (too many B horror movies with my brother). The Richardson’s neighbors are at least a quarter-mile away, so if I screamed for help, no one would hear. I creep toward the window, a little freaked out. But let’s be real, what blood-thirsty murderer would announce themself with a cartoon horn?
I peer through a crack in the blinds, not wanting whoever it is to see me. It’s dark out, but I spot an old, boxy RV parked on the single-lane country road at the end of the Richardson’s drive. Its brights are on, giving the vehicle a visible aura, as if having landed from outer space. The passenger door is thrown open. I squint and make out a hunched over figure in the driver’s seat hitting the horn.
Ahoooga!
The side door of the RV is open too. Framed inside is the teapot silhouette of a women with big hair piled on top of her head. Hands on her hips, she yells at the figure in the front seat. Probably her husband. He hits the horn again. This is annoying. They're gonna wake the kids. I should go out there and tell them to stop.
Out on the porch I stop a sec. I hate confrontation. But they seem harmless… Definitely not murderous clowns. Just some old timers who probably lost their way on these crazy ass backroads. There are at least three streets with “Pine” in the name around here. Even confuses me.
I decide to be a Good Samaritan and take a few steps down the drive, not wanting to shout too close to the house. “Everything okay?” I holler out to the couple.
Startled, the woman puts her hand to her heart. “Oh, honey. Didn’t see ya there.”
“Sorry,” I apologize. “Didn’t mean to scare you.”
“Oh it’s okay. I’m an old fraidy cat.” The woman remains in silhouette. Just a voice in the dark. “Hate to interrupt your evening. But you see, we’re in a bit of a pickle. I was having Dennis here… wave, Dennis, to the little girl…”
The man in the front seat nods at me. I wince at her use of the word “little.” I may be small for my age, but I’m not a little girl.
The woman rambles on, “I was having him honk the horn to see if anyone was home. Didn’t want to trespass on this fine property. You never know who’s locked and loaded these days. I’m scared of dogs, too, if I’m honest. Been bit more than once and let me tell you, the bite is worse than the bark.” The woman laughs, and I join her. I’m used to laughing at adults’ dumb jokes.
“Are you lost?” I ask. “I can point you to the highway.”
The woman flips on a bug light rigged to the RV and steps down into the neon blue glow. I can see her face now. Makeup caked on. The shadows from her fake lashes like spiders on her cheeks. She’s older. Maybe gram’s age. With dangling turquoise earrings.
“Damn mosquitoes. Nearly sucking me dry.” The woman swats at her neck and checks her palm. “Ooh, got ‘em!” She wipes the guts on her pants. “I’m Marianne by the way. And no, hon, we’re not lost. Not in the literal sense anyway. We’d pulled off a few hours ago to catch a little shuteye, get a little beauty sleep. Dennis set an alarm on his phone, but the bugger ran out of juice. Turns out we no longer have a charger because my hubby here,” Marianne slams her palm on the RV, “let a pretty girl at the last RV park borrow it and never asked for it back! Worse yet, because we overslept, we’re now in danger of losing our spot at tonight’s park.”
Now I’m wishing I’d stayed inside.
“So you see, I desperately need to call ahead to let them know we’re only a couple hours away but have no working phone. You get where I’m going with this, darling?”
I do. But no way am I letting a stranger use my phone.
“I know what you’re thinking,” she says, wagging her finger. “You don’t want a stranger fiddling with your phone. So what if I sweeten the deal? Would five dollars help? It’s one measly phone call. Dennis!” she shouts, without letting me answer. “Bring me the can!”
I watch Dennis reach between the front seats and grab a red Folgers coffee can. He holds it out the passenger window, giving the can a shake. I can hear coins jangling. And it reminds me of my gram hiding “emergency money” in an old ice cream carton in the freezer.
Marianne huffs and shuffles over to her husband. “Thanks for the effort, dear. Always making me come to you,” she barks. “I’ll remember this when someone wants their back scratched tonight.” She snatches the can and pops the top. Crumpled cash falling out as she digs around inside. She chooses a bill and holds it out to me, like offering a treat to a feral cat.
I think on it. Five bucks could buy me a couple skeins of yarn. That’s about three dog sweaters at fifteen dollars a pop. So forty bucks profit, all from a harmless phone call which costs me nothing. “Sure,” I finally reply, handing her my phone… and hope I don't regret it.
“I didn’t catch your name honey,” Marianne says, while slipping me the wrinkly five-dollar bill.
“Delphine,” I answer, then realize I could’ve said any name. Jessica or Sasha or Princess Buttercup. But what’s it matter? They’ll be gone soon.
Marianne disappears with my phone into the RV. They better not take off with it. I listen close and can hear bits and pieces of her conversation with the RV park. It doesn’t sound good. Antsy, I check out Dennis still in the driver’s seat. He’s wearing a fishing vest over his t-shirt, its zillion pockets bulging with who knows what. He dips into one and pulls out a small black comb, running it through his patchy grey hair.
“Where you guys from?” I ask, trying to fill the awkward silence.
Instead of answering, he leans forward and pulls a Red Vine out of a giant plastic container on the dash, offering it to me. I shake my head ‘no’. Never take candy from a stranger.
“Here and there,” he finally replies, before taking a bite of his Red Vine. Smacking as he chews.
“Don’t tease the girl, Dennis,” Marianne scolds, stepping out with my phone. “We’re from a one-horse town in Arizona. Retired this last year after working our fingers to the bone our whole lives. Then set out to travel this great country in old Shitbird here… if you’ll excuse my French. But she’s a real piece of work. Prone to flat tires and flattening squirrels.”
I scan the RV. ‘Shitbird’ sums it up. The outside’s caked in bugs and dust. The passenger mirror is duct taped together. And there’s a dent in the bumper suspiciously shaped like a deer.
Marianne catches me staring. “I know, I know. She's a little worse for wear. You know the saying, some things are like a fine wine, they get better over time? Well that ain’t her.” She laughs, and this time I don’t laugh with her. I’m ready for them to be gone. “Anyway, we’re doing the festival circuit and have come here for your famous Apple Jubilee. I’m sure you know it well.”
I nod, the mention making me cringe. An apple-eating duck nearly took my finger off one year at that kiddie fest. I refuse to go back, even for the deep-fried apple turnovers. Marianne hands me my phone. The cover is smudged from oily fingers and smells of cheap rose perfume. Grrrrross. “Well I better head back inside,” I tell her. “Good luck with the rest of your trip.” I turn to go.
“We could use a pinch of luck, that’s for darn tootin’,” Marianne sighs. “Looks like they gave away our spot.”
I hold my breath, waiting for the next favor.
“You don’t suppose we could stay parked here for a short while? Just until we figure out what to do.” Marianne fusses with her hair, as the blue bug light zaps its first victim. “Would hate to waste gas driving around in circles.”
I’m not sure what to do. It’s not my dream to have them parked here. But can I force them to leave? They’re on a public road. “Yeah. I guess that's fine.” Before Marianne can say anymore, I hurry inside and lock the door. Peeking through the blinds, I watch Dennis shove an armful of stuffed plastic grocery bags into the Richardson’s garbage bin. He makes three of these trips, struggling to pound the last few bags in. Finally, he slams the lid shut, giving the can a good kick, having won the battle.
If I was braver, I’d tell them this wasn’t the county dump. Instead, I check on the kids. Their rooms are quiet and dark. Good, still comatose. It took forever to get Julian to sleep. He kept crying and saying his parents weren’t coming back. Poor little dude. As I leave Tatiana's room, I notice a new pair of ice skates hanging on the back of her door. These kids want something, they get it.
“Watch out!” a voice echoes through the house.
I freeze. My heart pounding.
“… You’re close to losing it all, if you can’t guess the price of this gold-plated Timex wristwatch!”
Duh, idiot. It’s only Bob Barker… But didn't I mute that guy? I hurry into the living room, half expecting to find Marianne there, eating Red Vines on the couch and swatting mosquitos.
“Put your thinking cap on, Tony. You’re playing for a new car,” Bob continues.
Of course the living room’s empty. I mute the TV again, still unable to figure out how to turn it off. I grab my knitting – and the hairs on my neck stand up. My Spidey sense tells me I’m being watched. And sure enough, I spin around to find Mr. Richardson’s face glaring over me.
I stare back at him, only a picture on the wall. Mrs. Richardson stands by her husband in the photo holding a picnic basket. Her hair in a smooth, shiny bob. Julian and Tatiana hold hands amongst a carpet of yellow and red autumn leaves. The kids are grinning ear to ear, but you can tell they’re uncomfortable in the old timey clothes they’ve been forced to wear. I laugh (the kids’ holiday elf costumes were even worse), but notice something odd about the picture. Mr. R’s gone grey. I thought his hair was dark brown but dude must dye it. Even stranger, his eyes are two different colors, one blue, one brown. Which I know isn’t right…
Knock-knock-knock.
I drop the remote. Del – stop being so jumpy. I walk to the front door and peer through the peephole. It's Marianne and her red beehive hair. If I ignore her, maybe she’ll go away. I hold statue-still, trying not to make any noise.
“I can hear you breathing behind there, Delphine,” she says in a singsong voice, bringing goosebumps to my arms. “Don’t be frightened. It’s me. Marianne.”
Ugh, there’s no avoiding this woman. I crack open the door knowing the screen’s latched, creating a barrier between us.
“There you go. Better to talk face-to-face. I promise not to bite.” She lets out a dry, crackly laugh. “I do hate to bother you again, but Dennis has outdone himself this time. Spilled my last bottle of cooking oil all over the Shitbird’s carpet right before I was about to cook him up a plate of Salisbury steak.”
I give a blank stare, wondering if she’s for real right now. They’re cooking dinner?! They should be cooking up a plan of where to sleep tonight. I picture a greasy stovetop and the smell of burning meat and gravy filling the RV.
Marianne inches close to the screen, the tip of her nose grazing it. The heat of her breath assaults me. I take a step back, as she goes on, “I wouldn’t ask to borrow from a complete stranger unless I was desperate. Dennis is lousy with diabetes, god bless him, from all that pop he drank to stay awake on nightshifts. If I don’t feed the man in the next few minutes, he’s bound to slip into a capital ‘C’ coma.”
I flash to the Richardson’s coming home to an ambulance in their driveway. They’d have a heart attack no doubt, afraid one of the kids was hurt. I’d never be asked back to babysit. Maybe they'd tell the whole town, and my other families would ban me too. “I want to help…" I start. “But it’s not my house. It doesn’t seem right to take without asking.”
Marianne nods. “I understand. One-hundred percent. But trust me, no one’s gonna miss a tablespoon of olive oil.” Marianne studies my face. I think she can sense my hesitation. “What about this? I’ll give you ten dollars for it. The oil’s only worth a handful of cents. It’s a heck of a deal. And I bet a young girl like you is saving up for something special. A new dress, perhaps, or a nice pair of earrings…”
I glance down at my ripped jeans and baggy hoodie. Is she throwing shade?
“Well… whad’ya say?” She holds out her hand to shake on it. Her fingers are full of rings. Costume jewelry, I bet.
“Okay,” I answer, leaving her hand hanging. If mom was here she’d say “never trust free money”. But what harm’s a little extra cash?
I keep the screen door locked and head into the Richardson’s kitchen. The pantry is as organized as a supermarket shelf. Tidy rows of healthy kids snacks, protein bars and canisters of dried beans arranged by color. Totally OCD. On the back shelf I spy a row of oils – avocado, sesame, vegetable, walnut and a green one called grapeseed. No olive oil anywhere. Maybe I should give this nutter the cheap stuff and call it a day.
“You alright, darlin’?” Marianne hollers through the screen. She rattles the door, trying to open it. “Unlatch this darn thingamajig, and I can come help ya.”
I ignore her and grab the vegetable oil, since its plastic bottle looks the least expensive. I pour a large spoonful in a Dixie cup, doubting she’ll even know the difference. Back at the door, Marianne takes the oil and sniffs it. For a second, I worry I’ve been caught. But she smiles, lifts her shirt (umm, is she gonna flash me?) and unzips a nude colored, sweat-stained money belt. I try not to make a face as she hands me a limp ten dollar bill. The money’s warm and moist.
But hey, money’s money.
“Pleasure doing business with you, Ms. Delphine,” Marianne says, zipping the money belt closed and tucking in her purple bedazzled blouse. “Could I interest you in a plate? My kids used to say my Salisbury steak is the best on the block. Course, they’re all grown now. Don’t need me… Except when they need help paying their rent, that is.” She’s silent for a moment. Sad maybe. “Would make me mighty happy to feed you,” she adds, eager.
“No thanks, ma’am. I already ate.” Not trying to hurt her feelings, but no way am I eating a plate of her Salisbury steak.
Marianne frowns. “Your loss then,” she huffs, turning on her heels and strutting back to the RV. I swear I see her toss the oil into a bush. But it’s hard to make out much in the dark.
I curl up on the couch and get back to my Chihuahua beanie. The Price Is Right cuts to an ad for our local car dealership. The TV’s still on mute, but I can hear the jingle in my head: “Don’t waste your time going online. Come see Gervis for customer service…” The owner, Gervis McNally, rides a horse past the small electric car I’m saving for. I picture no longer taking the bus to school in the mornings or relying on my parents for rides everywhere. I could grab a peppermint mocha with double whip whenever I want. Purrrre freedom.
Bob Barker’s back now greeting a new contestant on stage. I dig into my backpack for a skein of yellow yarn, when the damn TV unmutes again. Did I sit on the remote? I reach under me to check, when Bob turns to camera.
“Check the kid’s bedroom, Delphine.”
My heart stops. Bob Barker’s talking to me.
“Because you’re about to win a 4-piece children’s bedroom set,” Bob exclaims, as the show’s snappy music fires up.
I laugh, relieved. Hello, I’m not the only Delphine in the world. I find the remote tucked between the couch cushions and mute the set again. It sounds nuts, but I can’t shake the idea Bob was talking to me. Maybe I should go check on the kids. Doesn’t hurt.
I peek in on Tatiana first. Even though she’s seven-going-on-thirty and mouthy as my cousin Sheila, she’s sleeping like a baby with her thumb in her mouth. I sneak into Julian’s room next and am hit with a gust of chilly air. His race car curtains rise and fall, as though breathing. I swear the window wasn’t open when I tucked him in. Right? I creep across the wood floor, trying not to step on the ruins of a Lego castle. I reach to close the window, and then I see it. A large shadow moving along the grass in the backyard.
Something's out there.
It feels like I'm sinking into the carpet. Totally spooked. I hear Julian stir and know I’ve got to check it out. I’m in charge of these kids after all. One step at a time, Del. Go to the kitchen. Flip on the back porch light. And have a look.
I make my way there and peer through the sliding glass door. The backyard is empty. Thank god. Maybe it was a deer. Or a coyote. Or a freakin' tree blowing in the wind… I should make a cup of cocoa and chill the hell out.
I grab the kettle from the stove, then freeze. There’s a noise behind me. On the back porch. I don’t want to turn around. Because the sliding doors are shaking. As if a burglar’s trying to break in. A scream rises in my throat.
“Delphiiiinnneee.” Marianne’s voice is both welcome and disturbing. “I tried the front door, but you must have cotton stuck in your ears.” She taps on the slider like a woodpecker, over and over. “Delphine? Delphine! I’m lookin’ right at you. Turn around.”
My body tenses, and I spin around to face her. Through the glass, I see the expression on Marianne’s face. She’s almost… angry. Or at least irritated. Her smile stretched too wide, reminding me of a patient in a dentist’s chair with their mouth clamped open.
I try to be civil. “I don’t know if you should be back there,” I tell her. “The kids’ parents will be home any minute.”
“The Richardsons?” Marianne asks, as if they’re old friends. “You don’t gotta worry your pretty little head about them.”
It creeps me out she knows their name. But then I remember the red hand-painted “Richardson Family” on the mailbox. Even then, my gut’s telling me something’s not right with these two. I’d call the sheriff, but I’m the one who said they could stay. It’s like with vampires – let them in, and you’re gonna get bitten. “I think you should go,” I say, my tone more forceful.
Marianne puts her hands on her hips. “Trust me, hon. We want to get out of your hair. In fact, we were about to take off when Shitbird overheated somethin’ awful. Like a case of herpes, this keeps cropping up at the most inopportune times. All we need is a splash of water to cool the engine off.” I can tell she’s gearing for another ridiculous ask. “I peeped a hose out front. Mind if we use it? I’ve already slipped fifteen dollars under the front door for your troubles. To help pad that nest egg of yours.”
She winks at me through the glass, and I feel I’m making a deal with the devil. But again, I do need the cash. The couple’s a bit strange, but I'm probably overreacting. Babysitting paranoia. “Go ahead,” I tell them.
“Eureka.” Marianne claps her hands together. “You’re an absolute doll. But there is one other thing…”
Of course there is.
“Your hose, what is it? A 25-footer? That ain’t gonna reach our engine. I’m sure you won’t mind if we pull into the driveway?”
Actually I do mind. “Well--”
“We’ll be done in a jiffy,” she interrupts before I can protest. “Scouts honor.” And she’s gone. Moving faster than seems possible for a lady her age. Although, maybe she’s one of those Zumba enthusiasts you see at the community center, like my great Aunt Bertie.
Through the living room blinds, I watch the RV roll up the Richardson’s gravel driveway, its flabby wheels kicking up rocks. The brakes squeal to a stop. And soon I hear the low rumble of water moving through the pipes in the walls with each turn of the garden spigot.
As my eyes follow the water’s path through the house, I glance again at the Richardson’s silly family portrait. Huh. Were Mrs. R’s fingers always covered in all those rings? Doesn’t really seem her style. My mind goes to Marianne’s costume jewelry crusted fingers. The resemblance gives me the chills. I notice, too, for the first time the way Mr. R clutches his kids’ shoulders. His grip too tight.
“Jesus H, Dennis, watch where you’re pointing that snake! You’re gonna get me all wet,” I hear Marianne yell from outside, followed by her crackly laugh.
Through the blinds, I see the Shitbird with its hood propped open. Dennis cools off the RV’s engine with the Richardson’s green garden hose. I can’t spot Marianne and wonder if she's snooping around the backyard again. But then there she is, exiting the RV with a large cardboard box. She drops the box with a thud and clutches her back. I swear I can hear the cracking of her spine from here. I try to make out what’s written on the box. R-I-C-H… But I can’t read the rest. Did they steal a package from the Richardsons?
I have a sudden terrible itch on my back but can’t seem to reach it. I think of using my knitting needles. That would do it. But I don't dare walk away from the window.
“Pretty yourself while you’re at it, old man,” Marianne orders Dennis. “You smell of liver and onions. We gotta look presentable. Make a good impression.” She throws him a rag, and I watch him bend over, spraying the hose into his limp greying hair. He straightens, shakes his head and slicks his wet hair back with his pocket comb.
I turn my focus to Marianne. She's checking herself out in the RV’s duct taped side mirror, picking Salisbury gristle from her teeth with a utility knife. Like some sort of thug. She applies a good five coats of fuchsia lipstick and puckers her lips.
It's as if they're getting ready for something. Maybe it's Bingo night at the RV park.
The blue bug zapper flickers. The itch on my back is screaming now. I’m about to go grab those needles, when Marianne plucks her red beehive hairdo right off her head. I’m shocked to see her bald underneath. The skin loose and blue in the light. Dennis hands her a new wig. She carefully puts on the shiny brown bob and smiles at her reflection in the side mirror, “Well aren't you a sight to see.” She tucks a stray hair behind her ear. “Come on, Dennis, it's time."
I clutch at my back. My skin is burning. As though being bitten by a million red fire ants. I grab the blinds, ripping a hole in them, as my knees nearly give out. And all at once, two heads snap toward me in eerie unison, like a pair of junkyard dogs. Marianne and Dennis are watching me.
I have a very bad feeling.
I run from the window to call mom. She’ll know what to do. And then I see it. Under recent calls. The last person dialed was dad - not a random RV park. Marianne lied to me. Her whole conversation was fake. Holy crap. What are they going to do to us? Panicking, I hit the emergency button, but nothing happens. Instead, a text pops up from an unknown number: “DON’T BE SCARED HONEY. WE’VE GOT MORE MONEY.”
Knock-knock-knock.
They’re at the door. I go stiff. “Let us in, darling,” Marianne coos. “We ain’t gonna hurt you. We’re here to relieve you.” Her voice through the door sounds different. Not just muffled. But higher pitched. Almost breaking.
“Come on down!” the TV blares out. “You’re the next contestant on The Price Is Right!”
The volume’s so loud it’s as if I’m right there in the gameshow. I turn to face the screen. And there they are on the TV set. Dennis, gaunt and expressionless, sitting in the studio audience, while Marianne jumps for joy in her brunette bob and fuchsia lipstick. She takes off at a sprint through the audience, racing to the podium. In it to win it.
This can’t be...
I hear keys jingling in the front door and snap back to reality. Thank god. The Richardsons are home. I don’t even care if they’re mad about the RV. I just want them here. They’ll know what to do. The knob turns. The door creaks open.
And Marianne and Dennis walk in. Their clothes neat and tidy and stylish. Totally different than before – and yet off. Like a costume that doesn’t fit. I scream and grab my knitting needles, holding them out in front of me like spears. “Stop, or I’m calling the cops,” I shout, trying to sound grown up, when inside I’m still a kid who wants to crawl under the covers and hide.
Marianne ignores me, pointing to the TV. “Jeepers, Dennis, Delphine’s watching our old episode. Remember, dear? We were on one helluva winning streak. Celebrated that night with lobster and dirty martinis at the hotel bar. Took home enough furniture and bric-a-brac to redecorate the entire house.” She sighs, nostalgic. Then sets her sights on me. “Now, now, put the needles down, Delphine. Violence isn’t the answer. This will be easier if you give in.”
I swallow my fear and try to think, not loosening my grip on my weapons, pathetic as they are. I yell, “The Richardson’s will be home any minute! Get out, and I won’t tell them you trespassed!”
Marianne and Dennis exchange a look and laugh. Her fuchsia lipstick smeared on her teeth, she replies in a motherly tone, “Oh honey… we’re the Richardsons now. Don’t I look good in her dress? It’s a smidge tight, if I’m honest. But thankfully Dennis enjoys a bosom buster.” She leans into Dennis, kissing him. He lets out a low moan and grabs her hand. One by one he inserts her fingers into his mouth, sucking off her costume jewelry rings and swallowing them.
Tears roll down my face. “What have you done with the Richardsons?” Marianne stares at me with pity. “You freaks, tell me what you’ve done!” I yell louder.
“Mom? Dad?” Julian appears from the darkened hallway in his solar system pajamas.
I race to stand between him and the deranged couple. “Don’t come in here,” I order him. “Go back to your room.” But it’s too late. Julian runs to Marianne, wrapping his arms around her. I lurch forward, ripping him away. He struggles in my arms, crying, and breaks free, hiding himself behind Marianne.
“It’s okay, bubba. Mommy’s home,” Marianne soothes. “Delphine’s tired is all. She didn’t mean to hurt you.” Marianne pats the boy on the head, flashing me a Cheshire grin. And for the first time, I glimpse three or four gold teeth in the back of her mouth. As sharp as a wolf’s.
Tatiana steps into the room, rubbing sleep from her eyes. No, no, no, get out of here kid. Run! “Mom, what’s going on? Why are you guys being so loud?” she asks, annoyed we woke her. Her gaze moves from the couple to the threat of the knitting needles in my hands. Her expression changes. Tatiana’s scared. Not of them, though. Of me.
Dennis bends his lanky frame to make himself the height of the children. “Daddy will tuck you back in,” he tells them, his voice surprisingly warm. “Momma needs to pay the babysitter.” He grabs the kids by the hand and leads them down the hall toward their rooms. I want to chase after them, but my feet won’t budge. These lunatics are not your parents!
I need proof. I glance over at the family portrait. But the Richardsons I know are gone from the picture. In their place are Marianne and Dennis, posing with the kids in the same red and yellow carpet of leaves. Just another happy family.
“Does forty cover tonight,” Marianne asks, handing me two crisp twenty dollar bills. As if this were the most normal exchange in the world. “I know we’re back early. I do hope the kids weren’t too much trouble. I’ll have Dennis pull the car around to give you a ride home.”
I don’t answer. I can’t even process what she’s saying. Instead, I watch the Marianne on TV scream in delight. She’s won the final Showcase. Next to her on stage stand her unlucky competitors. The Richardsons. The REAL Richardsons. They’ve lost it all. And Marianne is going home with a new-
“Fully equipped recreational vehicle for an all-expenses paid tour of the great USofA!” Bob Barker gestures to a rising curtain. Revealing a shiny new Shitbird.
Marianne walks over to me. Her breath hot on my skin again, she whispers, “Don’t worry. You won’t remember any of this tomorrow. Of course, we’ll still need a good babysitter, too.” She winks. “And we do pay well.”
If I could escape, I would. But this all seems inevitable.
Fated.
Marianne sets a hand tenderly on my shoulder. “You’ll have that new car in no time, dear. The one you’ve been saving so hard for.”
I’m still glued to the TV set. A new episode of the gameshow has started. The theme song along with it. Dah-dah-dah-dah. Dah-dah-dah-dah. Bob Barker stands on stage. Skinny mic in hand. He looks into the camera… right at me… opening his mouth to deliver the good news.
“Delphine McDonald, come on dowwwn!”
I smile.
“A fortune in fabulous prizes awaits… as you’re the next contestant on The Price Is Right!”
I have a very good feeling.

So, with World nearing the end of its development cycle, it’s time to do a retrospective. For someone who has played the series since Freedom Unite with at least 500 hours per game, World made a lot of fundamental changes to mechanics and systems that had remained static for 5 generations. With decent sized nostalgia glasses (MH3U is best game, fight me) and me having played World long enough that the ‘ooh new!’-factor has worn off, let’s take a look at what I would (not) like to see next game.
Before I start, some things to note. I haven’t fought the (Ancient) Leshen or Alatreon, nor many of the Arch-Tempered Monsters (with the exception of Kirin), so I can’t comment on them much. I will say 3 things on them, though these things may apply to other things as well.

1. I play 99% solo, and I’m not ‘naked speedrunner’-great, although I can kill every monster reasonably fast. As such, I despise quests that force you in MP.
2. I don’t like being railroaded into a certain playstyle.
3. Putting in a hard succeed-or-fail-damage-barrier is unnecessary in this game, and a very artificial way to make a fight more difficult. Monster Hunter already has mechanics that encourage and reward aggression and a focus on damage with monster staggers, temporary buffs from weapons and items and the new Healing Augment. Monsters like Zinogre and Gold Rathian also have buffed states that can be stopped by damage, rewarding aggression and skill. Don’t forget the fact that simply spending less time on a hunt is a reward on its own as well.

Having said that, let’s actually look at the game now. I have 4 categories: “Good” (requires no changes, even if it can be improved), “Good but flawed” (good, decent or functional as it is, but can use some changes), “Bad with potential” (mediocre or unnecessary, but can be changed to be better), and “Bad” (please don’t put this in the next game). For readability, I tried to Bold the main points.

Good:

· The additions to each weapons’ moveset are amazing. Personally, I favor smaller quality of life changes that amplify a weapon’s identity, like the Lance’s Power Guard, the Greatsword’s s True Charged Slash or the Gunlance’s Wyrmstake Blast, without changing its playstyle. The Hammer’s Big Bang, for example, felt unnecessary. However, overall, every weapon has been improved, in a much more natural way than Generation’s Styles and Combat Arts did.
· Rolling backwards is a godsend. No more comment needed.
On a more serious note, the increased mobility in this game improves the flow of the hunt. My main weapons (GS, Lance, GL, Hammer, SwA, HBG) have felt fewer improvements in this regard, but I have seen what they have done for all weapons. The SwitchAxe’s ability to move around more freely and switch around between Axe and Sword mode allows an experienced hunter the ability to switch when appropriate even in the middle of a combo. I have small fear related to this topic, but I will discuss this later.
· Alexander is my bro. Yes, Alexander is my feline companion. The companions in this game are great. Customizable enough, without being overly complicated and confusing like it was in MHGU. Their contribution to the fight is noticeable (especially if you give your companion a status weapon), they are active for the vast majority of the fight (no hiding in the ground for 50% of the hunt like Cha Cha, damn him) and they will use their skills frequently. Being able to give them the order to use their skills is also very useful, especially the Healing Skills (if you ask me). I barely use any Potions anymore because of Alexander the Bro.
· No more flexing after drinking, thank goodness. Basically, the ability to move around while consuming items allows you to actually stay in/near the fight when healing or refreshing buffs. This was probably a necessary change with the removal of separated areas (old school hunters, imagine drinking a potion the old way in World. Yes, that feeling of panic is natural), but it’s still a great change.
· No more Pickaxes or Bugnets! A QOL change I support wholeheartedly. Sure, without Talismans from mining spots and the Base Camp allowing you access to your items at all times, it would not have been as much a problem as in the old games. But still, few things were more frustrating than running out of pickaxes in the middle of a gathering quest.
· Extra Inventory Space for materials? Yes please! Mostly because it saves some effort managing your inventory. Even in the old games I would rarely need more space for materials, but it did limit what I could bring to some extent.
· Tracks are an excellent and natural replacement for Paint Balls. For anyone who doesn’t know, in the old games, you needed to throw a paintball at a monster to track it on your map. Once you knew monsters a bit, you didn’t actually need paintballs anymore since you knew where the monsters would hang out or move to. Still, it’s great that I can always tell where a monster is now.
The way the system works is also quite clever, because it still uses the same learning curve as paintballs without the hassle and a major reward at the end. You don’t immediately get all the information, nor do you automatically follow a monster the first few hunts, so you still have to learn a monster’s habitat and how it moves around. Gathering tracks is, however, still low effort to do, and once you have fought a monster a few times you will have gathered all the tracks. In the old games, this knowledge was in your head, but now the game just shows it to you. At this point, the tracks (and research level) are usually little more than a quality of life thing (you’ve fought the monster enough times to just know most of it), but boy, if you ever lost track of a flying monster in the old games, you know how nice it is to just know a monster’s location. Having all the Wiki-information in regards to elemental weaknesses, hitzones and material rewards doesn’t hurt either.
· Augments are an excellent way to personalize your weapons and make a decent late-reward. You can easily do without Augments, but they still feel pretty nice to have. It would be nice if the Healing Augment wasn’t so comfortable to use, because the others feel pretty mediocre compared to it. I have used all Augments on at least one weapon though, so it’s not that bad. I do have major criticism on the way you farm Augments, but I’ll address that later.
· I love cooking cats. I’m not even a cat person, but the food cutscenes are absolutely amazing. All hail Grandma Felyne and Arnold Catzenegger.
· Safi’s weapon customization system is very interesting. Just the Set-bonus Skills make Safi weapons so very useful for someone like me who likes to make a lot of different sets without following any meta. It helps that I found Safi to be entertaining to fight. I could even grudgingly tolerate the MP-aspect of it, though I hope they make it easier for SP to farm them as well. Also, maybe make the Set-bonus skills a separate part to unlock with maybe the Mantle of that monster? I spent way too much time unlocking Zorah’s Set Bonus on my GL.
· Turf Wars are awesome. They really do bring the world alive, and reinforce the idea that this world is a hypercharged ecosystem where aggression is rewarded. A few more unique Turf Wars would be cool though. Seeing Glavenus suddenly act like Anjanath when he bodyslams a Diablos is a bit strange. Also, more stuff like Diablos breaking each other’s horns. Maybe even different outcomes, where one monster just wins, perhaps based on the relative size of a monster (a gold sized crown beats a regular sized monster)?
· The maps are gorgeous and varied, while still projecting a coherent picture. The Wildspire Waste is my favorite in that regard. Other maps are still beautiful and never with jarring transitions. The maps are a tad too big for my taste, but you can just warp around the camps, so that’s fine. The environmental traps are pretty niche, and I tend to forget they exist in the middle of combat, but they are still very satisfying to use. Maps are a solid 9, better than any previous map in Monster Hunter.
· Namielle is my favorite Elder Dragon. I tend to prefer the midgame monsters to the Elder Dragons, since Elder Dragon are often a bit over the top. However, Namielle is perfect for me. It’s not mind-blowingly difficult, but still poses a serious threat without relying in gimmicks or insane AOE (more on that later). More importantly, its design is very unique, especially soundwise. Visually, it reminds me of Abyssal Lagiacrus, but easily makes the transition to the land while still remaining an aquatic monster.
· Eating midquest is awesome. There’s nothing negative I can say about this. I have mixed feelings on the changes to the basecamp in general, but I have restarted too many quests because I forgot to eat to not 100% love the ability to eat midquest. Praise the Handler (in this one, tiny aspect).
· I wish to give special attention to a few monsters. Anjanath looks awesome and has just enough twists on the generic T-rex design. Fulgur Anjantah is even better in that regard. B-52 Bazelgeuse looks absolutely amazing and it’s a really unique Flying Wyvern, even if the fight is only average. Odogaron is a very cool fight, with an aggressive and mobile style that still feels manageable.
· Since I’m a loner gamer with little to no social life, I like the overly attached Pub Lass. It feels good to be appreciated, even by a bunch of ones and zeros, sue me. I do miss bitchy Arena Lass though. The new Arena Lass is very nice, but a bit of smack talk was hilarious.

Good but flawed

Ah yes, now come the walls of text. Apologies. It’s hard to say a lot about something that’s just good. I already felt I overused words like ‘awesome’, because they don’t mean much even if they accurately convey a feeling. On the other hand, it's easy to just say "this is bad" without arguing why, or how it can be better in my opinion.
· Confession time: I hate every facet of Tempered Monsters. Apparently, they’re “infused with bioenergy from the Elder Dragons from living in the New World for so long” (from the MH Wiki). The whole bio-energy thing in World is basically magic, and to me, it feels far too fantasy for a Monster Hunter game (which practices pseudo-biological ‘realism’). In practice, however, Tempered is just the absolute laziest way to increase difficulty: crank up the numbers. More damage and health, and presto, a more difficult fight! At least Hyper Monsters had some different timings in their attacks, though even less justification from a lore perspective.
In case you think I just hate the concept, I kinda do. But, I did love Frenzied Monsters (Apex not as much). Why? Two reasons. First, as little as lore and story matter to me in a MH game, I was always interested in the biology of the world. How does the ecosystem work? Why can these monsters get so big? Et cetera (My usual answer is “low gravity, mineral rich soils to strengthen bones and scales, and the existence of an extremely efficient form of photosynthesis to hypercharge the food chain”). The Frenzy virus is comparable to rabies in its effect, and to infectious spores in its spread and lifecycle. Rabies (and Frenzy) spread through contact, which explains the aggression that comes with both. It can, however, also create a symbiotic relationship with its host and fuel its aggression and power without killing the host (Apex, which sucks gameplaywise despite its cool concept). With the addition of a few nice cinematics to sell its effect in action outside of hunts, Frenzy is almost realistic (I mean, totally not, but still).
The gameplay side of Frenzy is equally interesting. Unlike Tempered Monsters, where it’s just increased damage, or the Hyper status, which is just more damage and slightly changed timings on certain attacks, the Frenzy virus does so much more. Monsters do more damage, are far more aggressive and reckless in their attacks and will change the timings on their attacks seemingly at random. But that’s not it: the Hunter can get infected as well. If you overcome it by doing enough damage in a time window, you get a damage boost yourself! If you don’t, you become more vulnerable to attacks. But wait, there’s more! You can knock the virus out of a monster temporarily with special items, leaving you a large opening to attack and weakening them back to their regular state. Frenzy makes once easy monsters a new challenge by randomly messing up their timings and reducing your windows with their increased aggression, but you are rewarded for fighting through it with a damage bonus and a large opening to attack. Even ignoring the lore, Frenzy is a far more interesting mechanic in the way it changes the fight. It punishes and rewards. That’s not even mentioning the presentation. The purple hue is pretty cool and noticeable; I didn’t know until today that Tempered Monsters have a metallic hue, so I guess that a draw. However, just look up a few Frenzied Monsters, and listen to their roars. That is how you sell a monster gone berserk.
However, I do have another confession. A few days ago, I found myself thinking “Hm, do I want to just do a quick run for this material or do I want to challenge myself with a Tempered version.” Yes, that thought is the only reason I don’t condemn Tempered monsters to the depth of hell. It’s still lazy design (which isn’t the same as bad design though), and far inferior to Frenzy in gameplay, presentation and background (just watch the frenzied Zinogre cinematic for an impression), but I guess it does its job.
Still, bring back Gore Magala please.
· Monsters are far more mobile in World than older games. It adds challenge and makes them more natural in most cases, less clunky, less like a videogame boss. Rathalos in older games often looked a bit silly with it aerial movement, but it’s much better now.
However, I have noticed a problem in World. Monsters struggle to keep up with the hunters. The greatest victim of this is Nargacuga: a jumping menace in older games, now ridiculously easy since most weapons are just as mobile or have too many tools to keep up. On the other side, they went overboard with Barioth, who just jumps around the area like a maniac compared to older games and feels frustrating. It might just be me, but it feels like the devs are struggling to keep certain monsters challenging without relying on homing attacks or movement that follows you quickly no matter where you are. I’m also certain this is where the fixation with AOE that this game has comes from. Kushala Daora, Lunastra, Deviljho, Velkhana’s walls, all have annoying ways to restrict your movement besides regular hitboxes from their attacks (that noticeably can’t be blocked, which annoys me as a Lance and GL player).
I’m a bit worried where this might lead. Again, I might just be paranoid, or bad at dealing with these AOEs because I play slower weapons. But I’ve played enough games in my no-life to trust my instinct on this.
· The new skill system is fine. The point system is, admittedly, easier to understand and probably easier to minmax. I also really like the Armor Set Bonus Skills that you get from equipping 2-5 pieces. It creates an interesting dilemma: do I want this Armor Set Bonus Skill and be forced to use a suboptimal piece of armor, or do I want to use a bunch of (theoretically) less powerful skills that I can minmax to hell and back? Of course, this falls somewhat flat in practice. Almost none of the skills hit that sweetspot of being good enough to actually want while requiring a reasonable sacrifice. Most skills aren’t good enough to actually warrant any kind of sacrifice or don’t really need a sacrifice because pieces you need are good on their own. But hey, it might be balanced better in the future.
In my opinion, it has sacrificed something that made Monster Hunter unique though. The old system, for those who don’t know, required 10 points in a skill to activate the skill, with some skills improving at 15 or 20 points. There were even negative skills that activated on -10! Each armor piece gave a few points in a skill, and the same went for decorations and talismans. The problem (and interesting part) of the old system was that 9 points in a skill gave nothing. You needed 10, or you wouldn’t be getting anything from that skill. This system was, obviously, a bit frustrating and difficult to understand for new players, since they tend to just pick and mix whatever armor pieces they can afford, resulting in a lot of skills with 7 points but no active skills. However, I just need to say Athena to old players and they might get a flutter of nostalgia. Puzzling out an armor set that gave you just the right amount of points was glorious. The old system felt much more rewarding to figure out and master than the new. This is probably nostalgia for a clunky old system that repelled new players, but I stand by my opinion on this.
· The Hubs are pretty, but jeez are they big. Seliana is much better than Astera, but still pretty big to run around. Oh, does anyone remember the Research Base? Nah, didn’t think so. Bit of a shame. The Online Gathering Hubs are very nice though.
· The story is fine, and serves decently to get you through the game. The whole bio-energy stuff is annoying to me, because it reeks too much of magic. Monster Hunter has always been about pseudo-biology to me. Firebreathing is implausible and very dangerous, but not impossible. Same goes for a symbiotic slime that explodes when deposited. Same goes for electrical organs. Hell, even icebreath could theoretically exist. Elder Dragons have always breached that pseudo-biology thing, but they were mysterious enough that it never bothered me. Making bioenergy an entire plot point was a bad idea in my opinion, because it ruined that mystery that kept is safe from scrutiny in the game’s theme of pseudo-biology. Like guns in Harry Potter: you know they exist, but we don’t acknowledge that because it ruins the themes of the story.
Also, yes, the Handler in annoying, I’ll get to her, but overall the story is inoffensive and guides you through the game. Hell, World is the first MH game that put some actual effort in the story (ignoring the Frenzy virus, which was a masterful blending of gameplay and story that I’m fairly certain happened by accident). So sure, not bad. Definitely not great, since it fails to actually establish anything interesting that remains relevant throughout the game, or develop characters in a meaningful way, but not bad.
· Ah yes, the Guiding Lands. I love the concept of the Guiding Lands. A large area where you can just run around and kill any monster that emerges for rewards. If you don’t need anything specific, the Guiding Lands are a cool way to kill a few hours.
Unfortunately, the Guiding Lands have a problem that I call “being triple conditional”. Ignoring the whole gathering sidequest of it, which is silly, what’s the point of the Guiding Lands’ rewards? The materials for Augments. As I said above, Augments are great. However, all Augments require specific monster parts from the Guiding Lands. This sucks, because this is where the “triple conditional” part comes in. Firstly, you need to have the right Area Levels. You can at most keep 3 areas at Level 7, so you never have potential access to all monsters, nor can you just kill monsters at your leisure because it can upset the level balance. Secondly, only 3 monsters are present at a time, 2 if there’s an Elder Dragon, so if you’re an unlucky fellow like me and you don’t have a lure most of the time, good luck getting the monster you want to show. Thirdly, since Augments are pretty unbalanced, a lot of monsters are just not worth fighting if you care about the rewards. For example, Rathalos materials are only needed for the last Rarity 10 Weapon Defense Upgrade.
Now, since the Elder Melder exists, it’s not that much of an issue. I would still prefer a system that just allows you to pay for the Augments with any material of that Spiritvein tier, with a discount for using the ‘right’ monster materials. No extra work to trade my useless stuff for slightly more useful stuff. Just spend a few hours in the Guiding Lands and Augment away.
· I mentioned this briefly before, but I’m a bit torn on the Base Camp giving you access to your weapons, armor and items. Don’t get me wrong: it’s a magnificent QOL change. However, it removed an aspect of multi-monster-quests that forced you into a somewhat interesting decision: what weapon do I bring? Do I want a weapon type/element that is suboptimal but decent for all monsters, or bring a set focused on the most difficult one? As said, it’s a small complaint (especially since multi-monster quests are dead anyway, more on that later), but it’s another example of the game sacrificing old jank/limitations when they added interesting aspects to the game. Flexing after a Potion is silly. Not being able to bring your entire wardrobe is understandable.

Bad but with potential

· So, Investigations. I’ll be frank: they’re unnecessary and flavorless. At first, I liked them, but over time, I noticed their glaring flaws. Let’s take a look at how MH quests used to work. In the old games, there were no Investigations or Assigned Quests, just Optional Quests, a few of whom were mandatory to unlock the Urgent Quest that in turn unlocked the next tier of quests. To farm stuff, you had do the optional quests over and over again. Now, in more recent games, some quests were available semi-randomly. These quests were (almost) always multi-monster quests, and would rotate after you did a quest.
Investigations did away with the entire need for regular Optional Quests, since they are 99% superior. If I have an Investigation available of a Monster I need to kill, I’ll take it over the Optional Quest. Maybe if the Investigation has a 20 minute time limit I won’t take it, but I can comfortably kill almost everything within those 20 minutes, without dying. So ya.
Even worse, Investigations have killed the need for multi-monster quests that I mentioned earlier. Let’s say you need to farm for Rathian Mantles. In World/Iceborne, you go for the Rathian Investigation that has the most Gold rewards and just hunt her a few times until you get it. Usually, you get it before the Investigation has been used up. In the old games, you didn’t have that luxury. There was often a choice: what quest do I pick? You could do the single Rathian quest: besides carves, capture and parts rewards (which rarely added up to more than a 5% chance), all quests had a table of rewards with odds of getting it. A simple quest like this usually gives a 1% chance to get it from quest rewards. Or, you could do the triple Rathian quest for more carves/capture rewards. The quest still gives about 1% chance to get a Mantle from the quest rewards specifically, but you triple your odds of carving a Mantle without tripling your time spend (health in multi-monster quests is lowered, though still more in total than a single monster). Or, you could do a triple-monster quest that makes you fight a Rathian, Diablos and Seregios in the Desert. Sure, you only kill 1 Rathian and 2 unrelated monsters that might give you trouble, but this quest gives an 8% chance to get one in the rewards! Now this is an interesting choice. The single quest is the most basic, and always available. The triple Rathian quest of often absent from the list, but potentially triples your odds of getting it. The triple monster quest however, gives you a much higher chance as well. Which quest you will most efficiently be able to farm, will depend on your skill matchup versus other monsters as well. Do I wait for the triple monster quests to pop up again and do another quest, or just do the regular Rathian quest again?
Now, would you ever do this with an Investigation? Do a triple Monster quest when you have a single monster quest available? No, of course not. Investigations offer potentially a lot of freedom, but again, it’s a new, flashy system with the depth of a dried up rain puddle that offers no interesting choices, that replaces an old, admittedly janky system that offered players a choice on how to deal with it. I can’t even remember the last time I did a multi-monster quest in World to farm. Because there is no point in challenging myself.
Investigations aren’t flawed in concept, but very much in execution. I would advocate removing them, but if you want to keep them, fine, let’s theory craft. Investigations would be interesting if they did away with the Bronze, Silver and Gold (and Purple) rewards. Instead, replace them with a simple triple row system. You get a row of rewards for each monster in the quest. Kill them all, and you get three rows, each one dedicated to a monster, but this still triples your odds of the miscellaneous rewards (such as decorations). Additionally, make each quest give a bonus chance to drop a material of the tier that is equal to the amount of monsters (basically a different drop table with higher odds for rarer rewards). One monster gives a bonus to the base tier (Scales, Shells, the least rare stuff). Two monsters gives a bonus to middle tier stuff (Tails, Spikes, Wings, et cetera). Three monsters gives a bonus to the rarest drops (Plates, Gems and Mantles). This means players can actually snipe for these rewards. You can do the same for the Tempered Monsters: give an amount of rewards for the number of monsters killed, with the tier of rewards for the tier of the Tempered Monsters you killed.
I could come up with more ways to balance Investigations for whatever purpose you might see in them, but I have made my point. Investigations are an unnecessary addition to World that replaces a system that was fine with a gimmicky system whose randomness is largely meaningless once you have farmed a few of them. You know, the most annoying way to develop a game, which entails replacing an old system that was interesting with something that is way easier to understand for new players and usually less interesting.
· More Monsters. Don’t misunderstand me, I totally get why World especially had such a small rosters. Importing all the stuff into a new engine is time- (and thus money-)consuming work. And frankly, the game has 71 Large monsters, which is comparable to late-3ds games, and only significantly beaten by MHGU. Yet, I have 2 complaints.
The first is something most people will agree with. Even Iceborne has little variety in Monster Types. There are no Leviathans, large Neopterons, Snake Wyverns (Najarala), Carapaceons, Temnocerans (Nerscylla) or Amphibians. There are Fanged Wyverns (4 legged), Brute Wyverns/Bird Wyverns (2 legged), 2 types of Flying Wyverns (Tigrex skeleton and Rathian skeleton), 3 Piscine Wyverns nobody likes and the Elder Dragon Skeleton (that almost everyone uses). Only Kirin, Leshen and Rajang fully break the mold. Thus, there’s a lot of monsters that are similar in their fights (regular and Pink Rathian, regular and Azure Rathalos, regular and Black Diablos, Great Jagras and Great Girros, Kulu-Ya-Ku and Tzitzi-Ya-Ku, Teostra/Kushala Daora).
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying Diablos and Rathalos are the same fight for sharing a skeleton. I also don’t mind monsters sharing similarities. I love subspecies, since they put a new twist on a familiar monster, so your old skills aren’t wasted but you still have to adjust. But that doesn’t mask that it’s still the same monster underneath. To add to that, of the new monsters in World and Iceborne, only Legiana, Bazelgeuse, Odogaron, Great Jagras and Tobi-Kadachi offer something new compared to old games before you get to the Elder Dragons. The new Elder Dragons are pretty cool though. And again, I get why. Reusing skeletons saves development time. But remember, that excuse works for 1 game only. I do have faith the MH-devs will deliver next game, though, so I’m not worried, but it’s a valid criticism nonetheless.
The second is a more personal gripe. I’m not a fan of Elder Dragons in generals, as I said regarding Namielle. I prefer the mid-game monsters in general, since I prefer pseudo-biological realism over high fantasy magical creatures. Since World partially embraced the live-service, they added new monsters over time. To make these monsters exciting, they had to be, well, exciting. So, Iceborne has a whopping 18 Elder Dragons in a roster of 73 (compared to 6 out of 51 in MH3U, 13 out of 93 in MHGU and 13 out of 75 in MH4U). Please, for the next game, focus on the midgame again, with only a few Elder Dragons to keep them, you know, special.
· To really make the game world feel alive, you need more small monsters, both in the number of monsters on the map, and the amount of different species. Basically, I’m hoping for actual herds of herbivores walking around. Maybe even form a defensive perimeter when a large monster shows up? Smaller monster dashing through the forests. Gastodon actually doing something besides bothering hunters. As it is, every small monster reminds me of the fact that this is a game, and not a living world.
· I really don’t care for the sidequests of capturing bugs, taking screencaps or dealing with Gajalaka’s. Again, a personal gripe, I know. It just doesn’t add much for me. I play this game to slowly kill monsters 10 times my size, not take selfies with uncooperative hummingbirds. They’re harmless enough, I suppose, but the Canteen is enough Japanese silliness for me.
· So, you may have been waiting for it, or you may have simply pushed her existence from your mind like an embarrassing moment in High School. But yes, I do need to acknowledge her existence, defend her briefly with little enthusiasm and then send her back to the Canteen so she can keep stuffing her face while I take my quests from the quest board. The Handler.
I’m by nature quite laid back. As such, the Handler never bothered me that much. Sure, I rolled my eyes every time she almost got herself killed because of anime naivety. Sure, her obsession with food is one of those anime tropes that turns me off the entire genre. Sure, I frowned every time she called me ‘Pard’ (who even says that). Sure, she reminds me of Cha-Cha and Kayamba in a bad way with her ‘We did it’ stuff, taking credit for shit I did. And yes, of course I prefer the Serious Handler, I’m a professional.
But you know, the Handler harmless enough. She gives me little (annoying) sister vibes and some of her outfits are… you know, not little-sisterly. I also enjoy her animations when she sends a lure in the Guiding Lands. I still very, very much encourage the game to do something different next game. Maybe allow us to choose a Handler at the start, choosing between 3 types (overly attached Pub Lass, Serious Handler and The Handler are a nice balance between… types)? Or show us far more of the Handler’s backstory and, more importantly, her work. Show us she isn’t just stuffing her face on my payroll. Or for goodness’ sake, the Serious Handler already has most of the required animations, why can’t we change back to her in this game? Just say the Guild recalls the regular Handler for some admin work, if you don’t want to feel guilty for kicking her out.
Hell, maybe add a romantic subplot. No, I’m not trying to convince the developers to allow me to date the overly attached Pub Lass. Now shut up, or it might not work.
· Time for another large topic, one that might strike some unlucky people right in the heart: the Decoration and Talisman system. For context, in the old games those were reversed. You bought Decorations with monster parts and money, and you farmed for randomly skilled Talismans. Or rather, you mined Talismans from Mining Spots. A good Talisman (or Charm, back then) could give you slots, up to 7 skill points in the best skills and up to 12 points other skills. One of the best Charms you could get in MH4U, for example, was Handicraft +5 with 3 slots, for a potential +9 Handicraft if you fill those slots. To put that into perspective of the old system: most armor pieces gave +2 to +4 at most, with those pieces that give more skill points having less slots. Charms were, on average, less powerful than those in World, but the best charms could open up entire new skill combinations.
So, from its position in my retrospective, you can probably guess my overall opinion, but let’s take a look at the positives. Old players will remember MH3U’s Charm Tables. Your character was giving a predetermined list of charms (20.000 possible charms in most tables in MH3U) at its creation. There were 17 tables, 12 of which were fine to very good, with all having a decent selection of late-game charms that combined good skills with other good skills or lots of slots. The remaining 5, however, were the Cursed Tables. These were absolutely, godawful bad. They had only 200-800 available charms each (compared to 20.000 for each of the 12 good ones) with almost no good late-game ones. Also, one table famously had no 3 slot charms AT ALL, and another prevented Rustshards from dropping (which were necessary for some armor sets. Yes, you could be locked out of entire armor sets if you were unlucky). MH4U fixed this system by simply resetting your charm table every time you loaded the game (and removing/changing the Cursed Tables). However, as you might have figured out, this adds a WHOLE LOT of randomness to the game. Especially since you needed to mine for the best change to get new charms, this system could be very frustrating for those looking to minmax. World changed that system to be more consistent, both through the changes to the Skill system in general, and by swapping the way you gathered Charms/Talismans and Decorations around.
I was lukewarm at best about the skill system. I’m flat out not happy about the new Talisman and Decoration system, though not furious either. Once again, this falls in the ‘let’s change a unique mechanic to something easier and infinitely more generic’-basket that World carries on its back. Yes, the new system is more consistent: unless you are very unlucky, you will be able to farm most decorations you need in a few grinding sessions, and buy whatever Talismans you need.
But I would argue 2 points against the new systems. Firstly… well, it’s boring! I have spent many hours puzzling out armor sets with the Charms I had found. Some sets were only possible because I had found the perfect Charm. I distinctly remember a virtually perfect GL set I had crafted in MH3U because I had found a Charm that gave +12 Artillery (out of 15) and +6 Guard (out of 10/15). Every Charm you found had the potential to allow completely new skill combinations. In World, however, Decorations are more like a bingo card: I already know what Deco’s I need, I’m just waiting for them to drop. And once I have all the Decorations I need, I’m never going to look at them ever again. It felt frustrating to miss out on Decorations, rather than feeling like I just need to be a bit more creative with the old Charm system. Yes, Charms were random, and I’m always hesitant about randomness, but in this case, it’s only about 10-20% of your possible points that are random. Your Charms were like the cherry on your armor pie. The Decorations in World feel like bricks missing from a wall that I have planned out from the start.
Secondly, the way you gather Decorations is slow. This is probably partly my bias against Tempered Monsters and Investigations, and I might even be contradicting myself here, but I don’t like being forced to do Tempered Monster Investigations to reliably farm Decorations. In the old games, I would often just take an afternoon ‘off’ from hunting and do a few Charm runs, where I would grab a Gathering Armor Set and just run around in the volcanic area, mining everything I see. You could easily get 10-20 Charms per run. Even the best Investigations in World don’t give more than 10 if you are lucky. And since you need a lot more Decorations than Charms, you’re stuck hunting Tempered Elder Dragons for a while if you really want that Expert +2 Deco, matey. And no, I do not know why doing ‘Charm runs’ is fine with me when the side quests in World bother me. Probably nostalgia?
In short, the old system was random, but rewarding, because a single good charm could overhaul your entire Armor Set collection. The new system is equally random but feels different, more focused on the frustration you feel when you don’t have all the Decos wou want, compared to the old system that made every Charm a possible game changer. I’m probably being biased and nostalgic here, but I do think the old garage-sale system had a personality that the new shopping-list system sorely lacks.

Bad (with a side of salt)

· Arch-Tempered. Seriously? Tempered got a bare pass from me, mostly because I was feeling nice. But Arch-Tempered is the definition of taking a monster, maxing its damage to make every move a near instant-kill, adding a move to make it ‘special’ and calling it a day.
Just make it a deviant, or a subspecies with increased speed and aggression, but STOP PUMPING UP DAMAGE NUMBERS TO FEIGN DIFFICULTY. And no, one new move is not enough to make it different.
· If you need an embodiment of everything wrong with Monster Hunter Iceborne’s design philosophy, look no further than Lunastra. Large AOE attacks, instant kills for all but the most safe builds, and, perhaps the sin of all sins, allowing her to move before you do after she roars.
Jokes and salt aside, Lunastra is a decent fight (if I’m being generous), but she feels overtuned. I mean, go feminism for her being stronger than Teostra, that’s fine, but it’s a tad too far. Anyone who has played a MOBA will know what I mean: it’s when a hero/champion/god comes out and has too much of everything, without feeling fundamentally flawed. Tweak her damage, range, speed and maybe make her charging state more vulnerable by adding a really obvious tell that she’s gonna do it or just making it easier to interrupt.
· Let us go offline without pulling out my ethernet cable and bring back pausing the game. Even without PS Plus you have to host a room. Why.
· In the same vein, all quests should be reasonably completable for solo players as well. Yes, Safi, Behemoth and Kulva can be completed solo, but again, not everyone has the time to get good enough for that. MP only doesn’t bother me that much, but I’m not going to pay for a month of PS Plus if I just want to do a few Safi runs this one weekend.
· Looooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaadddddddddddddiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggg tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeesssssssssss. Man, the game looks beautiful but I sometimes forget I’m playing the game because I get distracted during loading times. Let’s hope the next generation fixes it a bit.

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My Personal Pocket7Games Story (story contest)
Here is a poem about a great app... So record your shows and put off your nap. Pocket7Games will be your go to place To play all kinds of games and put That smile on your face!
To play fun games on any phone And at any age, Pocket7Games has shown Whether you are young or old. Anyone can play! From Bingo Clash to Bubble Gold.
But wait! Is it really that easy? Yes! And you can even connect online socially! Download a free app and just start playing? Yes! Even win some money and I’m not just saying!
I started playing with a hot fever! I was really becoming an overachiever. Getting my daubs down as fast as lightning I could feel all ten of my fingers start tightening.
I didn’t care how long I was buried in my phone. Even though I was by myself, I knew I wasn’t alone... I took my games every where and all around And had so much fun, Even with the sound turned way down.
So go ahead and place your bets! Even a dollar will do... Pocket7Games has Solitaire, Block Blitz and Dunk Shot too! Playing games and making some money... Fun is an app away while waiting for a train Or in the snow and when it’s sunny!
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