130 Joker Quotes on Humanity That Really Make You Think

Continuing
The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. Had two guys fall off the barge and they would have been killed, if not for their personal arrestors. We gave them loads of shit and it was decided those who fall, if they don’t die, will buy the first round that night. We had the usual cuts, bumps, and abrasions, but nothing requiring any more medical attention than a nurse’s kiss to the booboo, some mercurochrome or Merthiolate, and a bit of adhesive plaster.
Oh, and oral anesthetic. That went without saying. Lots of oral anesthetics. Even as a preventative. I lead by example.
Also, I was placing something a little special at the vertices of every four compartments. I was deciding to wire it into the Primacord grid or maybe do a radio detonation. We had all sorts of Indo-Paki army-surplus radio detonators. Just plug in a couple of triple-A batteries, tune to the desired frequency, set with a cap and super booster, and there you go. You could remote detonate one or a thousand with the proper transceiver.
Guess which way I went?
We spooled all the Primacord in record time. We used all of the new stuff that came with my last order, so we decided to use some of the stuff salvaged previously. I had Vis go to the truck and bring up a couple of cases of C-4. OK, six. May as well wire it all in as well since we were making such good time.
I went around and sphooted a shot of orange spray paint on conveniently placed holes. Here would go C-4 charges, all that would fit, with a cap, super booster, and a demolition cord connection to the Primacord. Once the Primacord was actuated, I was using Primaline demolition cord.
Primacord detonating cords are designed for use as trunklines and downlines in various mining, quarrying and demolition applications. Primaline det cords are flexible linear explosives with a core of PETN explosive encased in a plastic outer jacket. These carry the actuation to the Primacord. The velocity of detonation is sufficient to use it for synchronizing multiple charges to detonate almost simultaneously even if the charges are placed at different distances from the point of initiation. It is used to reliably and inexpensively chain together multiple explosive charges.
I would have 4 sets of these ready by tomorrow.
The cruise ship was less than 25 hours out. Time to get sparky.
We spent the rest of the day charging, priming, and setting the hulk. It rolled around 1700 hours, quittin’ time. I told everyone to get on the bus and head to the barn. I had a few more details that needed my attention.
I had Sanjay call HQ and get a couple of sets of guards out there. I didn’t much care to leave an old, rusty hulk sitting here with about a ton and a half of primed explosives, but due to the situation, I had no choice. I commandeered the truck so I didn’t have to walk to the Raj that evening.
I spent until dark probing around that old barge hulk. I found a few fuck-ups by my crew, but nothing a few extra lengths of Primacord and elephant shit couldn’t fix. I had 8 spools of Primaline up on top of the barge, at the highest point, out of harm’s and hopefully, nosy nose-poker-inners, way. Each one of them was tied to one section or another of the barge; one for slicing and other for dicing. It wasn’t terribly elegant, but damn skippy, it’s was quick, dirty, and essentially moron proof. It would work or my name isn’t…
The next morning down in front of the office, I had set up a blasting table. I had the 8-post blasting board and a couple of spare truck batteries. One side hooked to the Primaline, all eight runs, the other to a metal probe hooked up to the batteries. I hit a metal post, circuit’s complete, current runs down the demolition wire to the actuator, actuator sparks off the Primaline, Primaline sparks off the Primacord, Primacord sparks off the C-4
And the extra dynamite, PETN, and RDX I set the previous night.
That all sparks off and easy as cake, you have sliced barge. QED, Robert is your avuncular relation.
It was going to be one hell of a show. Very noisy. It has to be, what with this tinnitus and all.
Plus, I had a radio detonator sitting next to me tuned to 39.170 MHz, the ‘Peter Popoff’ frequency, for the back-up charges I set at all nine intersections.
My crew shows up, all togged out in their natty PPEs. I was impressed. A week and a half ago, this was a ragtag agglomeration of shipbreakers without a trace of PPEs or unity. Now, they’re like an elite corps. I instructed them to get comfortable back behind me and the office. There were chairs available if you hustled.
As much as I hated to, I was going to handle the actuation. If there was a problem, I could be the best situated to rectify the situation. However, there were not going to be any problems.
This was a Rocknocker production. We don’t tolerate failures or fuck ups. Die on us and you’ll never fucking work in this field again.
We have about 9 hours before this beach has to be empty. The way I figure it, I’ve got 7 D-8 Cats, 6 D-9s, and a couple of dragline cranes that can use to clear the beach of scuttled barge parts. Even if I can’t chop them into bite-size pieces, yeah, give me a couple of good cat skinners, and I’ll have this fucking beach cleared one way or the other.
I want to go back on-board the barge one last time for a final look-see, but with now the 2.3 tons of set, charged and primed explosives up there, that’d be a fool’s errand. And I ain’t no fool; last I checked.
I had previously examined my blasting machines, galvanometers, and personally inspected the thing several times.
Got to be happy with that. We have a schedule to keep and it’s getting close to showtime. Can’t keep the explosive demons captive much longer. We have this agreement, you see…
I go and have a talk with my crew and answer any questions.
“Yep. Eight big shots, and 32 pieces of barge where there was one before.”
“The Cats and cranes will drag them off, out of the way. Trucks will be sent to cart them off to another part of the camp for final chop-up.”
“I send you up with a lit candle to see what went wrong. Whaddya mean what happens if it fails to light? Sheesh. Go get me a breakfast beer.”
That done, I decided to get Mr. Maha to drive a couple of guys back to the commissary. I need donuts, pastries, and breakfast munchies before the shot. Besides, we’re ahead of the curve, we can afford to take things nice and easy; not crazed and shoddily. That’s the way I prefer to work, even with looming deadlines.
Which was a good idea in retrospect. Seems Goodgulf Grayteeth and some of his board buddies are here to jeer us on.
He’s got a boatload of cash riding on this job. It fucks up and they have to do some station keeping offshore with the cruise ship, it’ll cost him some layover cash. However nowhere near the bonuses I’ve worked out for my crew.
“So, Doctor?”, he smiles, predatorily, “Everything shipshape this morning?”
“Sure is, Gulfy”, I reply, “But not for much longer. Here to see how we do it downtown?”
“Yes, Doctor”, he replies glacially, “I’ve brought along some observers. Just to be on the safe side, if you have no objection.”
“Fine by me”, I say, “Just as long as they stay the fuck out of my way. Care for some coffee?” I ask, “We might have some tea floating around the office. Or a cold beer? Nothing hydrates better than a cold breakfast beer.”
“Ah, ha. Coffee would be fine, Doctor.”, he smiles carnivorously.
I offer them seats on the blasting table. There room for me, Sanjay, Gulfy, and his three cronies. It’s a literal ringside seat. Roll up, roll up! See the show!
I make some small talk whilst I devour several french donuts. I guess stress really makes one hungry. Gulfy and his second-in-commands nibble like nervous bunnies visiting Berechstgarden on their assorted breakfast pastries.
0800 rolls around and it’s time to get schwifty. A bunch of my crew insists on playing the music of my nation. They go through the Safety Dance with some real Indian flourishes. If it wasn’t so serious, it’d be hilarious.
I’ve got the galvanometer set up so the entire table can see it.
“This thing hits 88 mhos, you’re going to see some serious shit,” I mutter.
Gulfy heard and cringes.
Sanjay heard and just chuckles.
The Safety Dance is almost over. I give a couple of extra honks on the air horn as I know loud noises irritate Gulfy and his crew.
Then, there it is.
FIRE IT THE HOLE. Once, twice, thrice.
“It’s showtime” I smile. The galvanometer’s right where it should be, the firing board is primed, and I have the detonation probe wired and ready.
“FIRING ONE!” I shout and hold the metal probe against the wired-in metal post.
Nothing happens.
Gulfy snickers.
Slightly puzzled, I look around. Galv’s OK. We have connections. Batteries…
Batteries are over on the side of the table.
“Oh, dear”, I say, “Looks like someone moved his fucking chair and disconnected the goddamned battery. Simple fix. Some moron kicked the benchode battery and it came undone. No problem.”
Accident or sabotage? It had to be an accident. These characters are too thick to think up anything as subtle as sabotage.
“OK, where were we?” I say, and check the circuit continuity with another meter.
We’re green across the board.
A thought hits.
“Hey, Gulfy? Want to give this a go?” I ask.
He hesitates but declines. If this goes bust, he wants it squarely in my lap. Plausible deniability?
“OK, fuck it. Thought I’d be nice…FIRING ONE!” and I hit the first post.
OK, maybe an entire spool of Primacord per cut was a bit much. Maybe the 4 boxes of C-4 per cut were somewhat excessive. But, holy mother of pearl, it gave some hellacious bangs.
“Shooting 3! Shooting 5! Shooting 2! Shooting 4! Shooting 6!”
The noise was horrendous. The shock waves set up seiches in our coffee cups, but we were well back and in the safe zone. Still, Gulfy and crew are going to need to get their suits dry cleaned from all the thrown fine sand and shmoo.
Slice one tottered, groaned, complained, and with a rip of marine sheet metal, fell. It hit the ground with a mighty thud and broke into four subequal parts. Slice two followed, then slice three, and slice four. They all followed suit.
They all hit the ground or sat on the beach and convulsed. What was one hunk of 250-ton ocean-going barge at a 45⁰ angle was now more-or-less 32 sub-pieces, flat on the beach. Most were still connected by cables or hunks of torn sheet metal. It looked like a partial win for the Foam Town Team.
“But, Doctor”, Gulfy smiled predatorily, “These are huge pieces. It will take far too much time to cut them into small enough pieces to clear before the cruise ship arrives.”
I just smiled back and shook my head.
“That’s why I always insist on insurance.”, I said and held up the radio transceiver. “I always carry a backup piece.”
“If you will sit, gentlemen”, I requested, “The shock waves might be a little intense.”
I turned to my crew and asked for the chorus we’ve all been waiting to hear.
“Fire in the hole. FIRE IN the hole! FIRE IN THE HOLE!”
A full four hundred-weight of Pentaerythritol tetranitrate and 1,3,5-Trinitroperhydro-1,3,5-triazine detonated simultaneously. The shock waves were profound. The noise was deafening. The impact was hilarious.
The bits and pieces of the hulk shook, shimmied, and split cleanly apart along previously delimited and scored lines.
Now, there were 32 independent separate pieces of the barge, all about 3-5 tons each, strewn about the beach.
Mere play-toys for the Cats and cranes I’ve got waiting.
“We’ll have this cleared by lunch,” I said. “I will, of course, expect payment immediately afterward.”
Gulfy looked at me with a cross of admiration, irritation, and downright incredulity.
“Remind me to never wager against you again, Doctor”, He says.
“Oh. Does that meant Friday night poker is off?” I laughed.
Gulfy and his cronies begin to depart, I remind him I needed 25 stuffed envelopes on my desk back at the barn by 1300 hours.
He nods in agreement and shuffles off.
“And I want them personalized!” I shout.
He waves gets into his company car and spins out of the area in a rooster tail of irritation and red dust.
I jump on a nearby D-9 Cat, fire it up, and back onto the playing field. I plug in a victory cigar, light up, and give a couple of celebratory puffs. I drop the rear ripper on one of the 32 sub-sections, punch a good grip on the thing, shift to forward and chug away dragging the hunk of the barge with me.
One down, 31 to go.
I drag it down the beach to a clearing, way the fuck out of the way of any cruise ship. Other Cat operators see my lead and are soon dragging or pushing hunks of the barge out of the way and into history. We didn’t even need the draglines.
We had that beach cleared in less than an hour. I was in such a good mood, I gave the crew the rest of the morning off, that is once they cleared the portable office and trucked it back to the barn. I made sure they left me a bucket with some hydration potions and noted that there was an imperative meeting at 1300 sharp. I fired up a second victory cigar.
I spent the next hour grooming that beach and actually building a V-door shaped ramp for the cruise ship which I could see puttering around just this side of the horizon.
“Beach Dog Green is open and ready for business”, I broadcasted over the company frequency.
I reluctantly returned the D-9 and hooked a ride back to the barn.
It’s 1245 and there’s a knock on the door. I answer the summons and receive a courier pouch that’s actually quite heavy. It’s my 25 parcels of pleasure for my crew.
They worked hard, kicked ass, and we had some laughs along the way. They earned every fucking biasa of this.
I smiled widely and shoved a new cigar into my gob. I sat down, did a quick tally, and realized that I had 1.5 lakhs rupees for each one of my guys. That was, at the time, i.e., a few weeks ago, about US$2,000.00 each. Sanjay would receive US$4,000.00.
All totaled, that was 52 large.
$52,000 in crisp, new US greenbacks
A king’s ransom for these guys that were used to working in rags, with shit equipment, in dangerous and deadly places, ass-deep in shit, for the equivalent of US$5/day.
I was fervently hoping that I was setting precedence here. This ship breaking company raked in billions of rupees in pure profit per annum. The board didn’t look like they were hurting any.
“Time to spread the wealth, gentlemen.” I snicker quietly to myself.
All told, I probably, to date without my contract or pyrotechnics, have caused the company to expend some $250,000. Spread that out over 25 workers and that’s less than I care to think. These guys deserve a hell of a lot more than US$10K. I hope that when they begin training the next batch, they get recognized for their efforts, and are paid accordingly.
I will personally see to it that I make several such not-so-subtle suggestions to the board before I take my leave of this place.
It’s rapidly approaching the 1300 hour and the regular crowd filters in. They’ve all gotten out of their PPEs and everyone’s locker box is stored away nice and neatly.
“Hey, guys”, I said at 1301, “Good job on the barge. Sure we got a few cuts and bruises, but overall, I can’t be more pleased. So pleased, in fact, that we’re going to have a locker box inspection!”
The groans around the room were tangible. I think a few had an inkling something was afoot, but they thought it might be a day off or a bit of a bonus…
“Oh, OK. Now, yes now, we're going to do a locker box inspection! That is unless any of you got anything better to do. Well?! Anyone got anything they'd rather be doing than a locker box inspection?! Yes?! Govinda. What would you... rather be doing, Govinda?” I ask.
“Really, Rock; just about anything else. “ he replies.
“Under advisement.” I bark back.
“Rock?” Bhavabhuti asks.
“Yes?!”
“I'd quite like to read more in that Blaster’s handbook.”.
“Right! You go read your book, then! Now! Everybody else... quite content to join in... with my little scheme of a locker box inspection?!”
“Well, to be quite honest, Rock, I'd... rather be at studying some of the catalogs you’ve included as reading material,” Katyayana says.
“Would you, now?!”
“Yes, Rock” he replies.
“Right! Off you go! Now, everybody else happy with my little plan... of having a bit of locker box inspection?”
There are general murmurs around the room. I think I’ve confused them long enough.
“Or, I guess Sanjay could first distribute these. Sanjay?” I ask as I hand him half the stack of envelopes.
“Don’t open them until I give the word. Green?” I say.
“GREEN!” comes the explosive reply.
All are distributed and they all holding them up to the light, trying to figure out what the hell they’ve gotten into this time.
I reach inside my field vest and to the crestfallen, because he didn’t get one, Sanjay, I hand him his envelope. It’s quite a bit thicker. I ask him quietly to keep it on the QT.
“OK, gents.”, I say, “This is your…bonus for working that last job. I wrangled it for you and that’s why I pushed so hard. There’s now a Scandinavian cruise ship where our barge once set. I bet old Goodgulf your bonuses that we’d have the barge gone in 72 hours. Even with me taking off 24 for personal reasons, we did it with time to spare. Because of you and your diligence, hard work, and attitudes. Go ahead, open them. You deserve it.”
“HOLY FUCK!” was more or less the unanimous response.
Several of my crew just sat there. Stunned. Total cognitive shutdown. They’ve never imagined, much less seen nor held this much money at one time.
A couple of them whooped like Red Indians. I thought it was in poor taste to call them racist; I mean Indians whooping it up and making a scene? I guess you had to be there.
Many more of them just looked at me with tears in their eyes. OK, that one got me right square in the feels. I’m old, I’m jaded, I’m a crusty old curmudgeon. However, I wasn’t prepared for this. Not by a long shot.
The room was at a tipping point. Which way would it go? Total emotional implosion or explosion?
Sanjay looked at me and said soggily, after he noted his recent windfall, “Don’t just stand there, ya’ big ape. Say something profound.”
“OK. Um. Ah. Don’t spend it all in one place?” I joked.
That was enough to send the room over the top. There were hoots, howls, yells, and hurrahs leaking out of the barn for at least a solid 5 minutes.
“Well, this day is fucked”, I observed.
I could hear plans of buying this and buying that, as soon as possible. I figured it would be things like fancy watches, a new phone, something silly and absolutely necessary.
No, I was dead wrong. They were discussing buying space heaters, new brakes for their tired old cars, a new stove for the family, even a room addition and bedroom furniture for their homes.
Now I was pissed. I should have held Gulfy’s feet to the fire and gone for 2 lakhs each.
Amazing what living in different cultures can do to a person. Here I am, the tired world traveler and every once in awhile, even I get blindsided.
“OK, guys”, I said, “I know you’re itching to go spend your newly found wealth, but first, Chapters 11-15 of Thompson for tomorrow?”
That was greeted with general grimacing and unpleasantness.
“You can read that now, or join Sanjay and me in a cigar, and maybe a libation or two. Class dismissed. Go nuts. Your choice. See you tomorrow 0800 for discussions on underwater demolition practices.” I said.
I ask Sanjay to order up some libations. I have no idea how many will stay and how many are itching to dish out the doss, so I just order 6 cases of beer. Any way you count it, it’s not about to go to waste.
“Oh, and Sanj, add a couple-three of bottles of Old Benchode as well,” I tell him on the sly. I’ve actually developed a taste for the stuff.
I mean, what the fuck? I’ve already read chapters 11-15 in Thompson.
The beer and booze arrive and while some are reading their chapters, it doesn’t last long. I fire up a heater and distribute them to all who desire. Only a few accept as clove cigarettes are a thing in these parts. I come out of class smelling like an Easter Spiral-sliced baked ham.
It’s not a “Whoop-de-doo!” sort of party. It’s more a sit around, have a few drinks, smoke a few smokes and ask the professor about some of his stories.
My Russian tales are the best received of the batch. They get the jibblies when I tell them of some of my Central Asian antics. They don’t care for my tales from China at all. It’s an odd response. Total neutrality on Mongolia, but mention China, and they all visibly bristle.
It’s getting on in time and I have an appointment down at the docks later this afternoon. I kick everyone out precisely at 1700 hours and ask Sanjay if he wants to accompany me.
“Where to this time, Rock?”, he asks.
“Down to the beach. I’ve struck a deal with some fishermen. They’ll take me out for a spot of fishing. I don’t want the fish, just the opportunity to get out, breath some salt air, and tangle with some finny denizens of the area.” I said.
“Good thing you told me”, he says, “They’d fuck you over greatly. Once you’re out of sight of land, they’ll feign getting lost, and try to terrorize you.”
I chuckle involuntarily.
“Fuck. Good luck with that”, I smirk…
“And they’d keep you out there as long as they could until you agree to pay. They basically kidnap you and can’t find port again until you cough up some dough.” He says.
“Oh, OK. Thanks. Well advised. Want to go with?” I ask.
“What? You’re still going?” he asks.
I reach in my field vest and pull out about 7 or 8 hunks of spare C-4 and an equal number of set-pull-forget pull fuses.
“Sure”, I smile, “Sounds like it could be major fun.”
“Rock…” Sanjay says in that matronly manner he pulls out when I want to have a little fun.
“Oh, geez”, I snarl, “You guys are always pushin’ me around. Never let me have any fun…”
Just as well. We get back to the Raj and I have a couple of phone messages. Seems the agency got a Twix on me and want to discuss a few things.
Besides, I need to call Es and have a chat. Plus, I should really update my field notebooks, files, and dossiers.
The thought of "You're going to have to pay for this, Ralph Phillips!" keeps running through my head.
“They never let me have any fun.” I grouse as I pick up the phone. “It’s like I’m stuck on Monkey Beach”
After a quick chat with Esme, as she and her mother are saying “Pffft!” to lockdown rules as they are being finally relaxed all over Baja Canada and they’re, wait for it…’ going shopping’…
I tell her of the guy’s reaction to my little scheme of getting the bonuses. She was also bewildered. She notes that even after living all around the world, we still get culturally blindsided occasionally.
“Birds of a feather”, I reply. We profess our mutual love and she mentions Turner’s for lunch. Now I have nostalgia pangs. I’d kill for a raw beef and onion Cannibal Sandwich and a couple-six ice-cold drafts from Turner’s.
Next up are my Agency buddies.
“Yes? Hello? Take me off the damned speaker, Rack!” I say.
“That’s not going to happen. How are you, today, Doctor?” Ruin asks.
“Just dandy”, I reply, “And you? And your unsmiling partner?”
“Quite fine”, he says, “Enough of this idle banter. We have a chore for you.”
“Why am I not surprised?” I reply.
“Because you’re prescient, have second sight and you know us all too well?” Rack laughs.
“There is that…” I agree. “OK, what’s the job?”
“Your last report. The CEO of the shipbreakers, the one you refer to in the narrative as Goodgulf Grayteeth?” Ruin asks.
“Only because his real last name is eleven syllables long. And his first name isn’t much shorter. Besides, he reminds me of an ancient, crotchety, and less-than-effectual wizard. Besides, he looks like he fell off of a charm bracelet.“ I reply.
“That’s the one.” Ruin agrees.
“Yes?” I reply, “Get on with it?”
“Of course. The old American get-right-down-to-business attitude.” Rack titters, “So refreshing.”
They’re quoting back some snippets of my reports at me. This can never be good.
“WHAT!?!” I detonate.
“Oh, we’d just like every bit of dirt you can find on this character.” Rack replies, “We didn’t have much on him before you graced their shores. Now, he’s prominent in several of your communiques. Well, OK then. We’re interested. Skullduggery time, Herr Doctor.”
“Skullduggery?” I ask, “Who bought you a thesaurus for your birthday?”
“They’re company issue now.”, Rack replies, “Ever since we’ve had to deal with the likes of you.”
“Oh, I am insulted!” I roar, “I’m affronted. Slighted. Disrespected. Outraged. Offended. Shall I continue?”
“With your data collection? Yes.”, Ruin agrees, “With your current line of conversation, not so much.”
“Right,” I reply. “Anything else I can do for you gentlemen?”
“Yes, there is as a matter of fact.”, Ruin continues, “Take the job here at the agency, become our boss, and get us big, juicy bonuses.”
“Oh, you heard about that?” I asked.
“Oh, yes”, Rack replies.
I had better sense than to ask “From whom?”.
I do know I’m not the only sneaky bastard around these parts. I don’t know any names, but I have my hunches.
“And don’t go offshore fishing anytime soon, Herr Doctor”, Ruin continues, “We need your reports. They’re such fun readings early in the morning after coffee.”
He’s insinuating that they read my dispatches in the john.
“At least you just read mine there”, I reply, “Your stuff is held in reserve in case the bog roll runs out.”
“Well played, Doctor.” Rack chuckles. “OK, bye now.”
And with that, they ring off.
I hate it when they do that. I’ve got so many more insults I wanted to use on them.
Wait one…what did he mean about going fishing?
The penny drops.
Now I have another one to drive crazy. I might have to send him to the far side of the breaker’s yard while I spend a little time rummaging around in his room.
“Sanjay, me ol’ mucker”, I smile, “You really should have told me…”
So, after a night of updating dossiers, field notebooks, and creating a new, non-repeating substitution encryption cipher for my notes, I relax in the Olympic-sized Jacuzzi. I take with a brace of cigars, couple-nine drinks, and the newly arrived issue of Surface Mining / Quarrying / Construction Drillers & Blasters Quarterly.
Heady stuff, to be certain.
The next morning, I’m watching what I say around the breakfast table. It’s tough knowing that everything you might utter could possibly end up in a coded transmission back to Virginia.
This only lasts a few minutes as I resign myself to the fact that I really don’t give a furry rat’s ass about the whole deal. Fuck it. I end up in someone’s report? So what? They already know, from my own detailed reports, what the fuck’s going on, for the most part.
“‘Mornin’ Sanj”, I say over a steaming hot mug of Greenland coffee. “Time for some chow before we need to scoot.”
Sanjay looks at me with road-mapped bloodshot eyes.
“Oh, my!” I say in my best, though still not very good, George Takei impression. “Look at what the feline dragged in. Go fishing without me?”
He looks at me with weary eyes.
“Rock”, he says, “I might need a day off. Personal reasons.”
“Sure, I’m not your handler,” I reply, utilizing the old agency term for field director.
Let him swirl that one around the old brainbox for a while.
He looks at me quizzically. But that wave blows over before it can form into anything coherent.
“Nah. I continue, “It’s all book learnin’ today. I can handle this easily. You stay here and get some kip. Looks like you could use some.”
“Yeah”, he snarls back, “Just like you and your little [finger quotes] problem the other day.”
Gad, I hate that. He was insinuating I was, gasp, intoxicated and needed bed rest.
For a supposed spook, he certainly hasn’t done his homework. I already told him I’m an EtOH-fueled organism.
“Yeah” I replied, “Mea culpa. I didn’t know you had RRMS as well. It’s a motherfucker, ain’t it? That relapsing-remitting multiple sclerosis is a real pain right square in the cunning linguals.”
Sanjay looks at me like I just sprouted durians.
“Yeah”, I continue, “I don’t carry on about on person’s foibles, maladies, or physical disfigurements. I just take them at their word. Guess that’s a major personality fuck-up on my part.”
Sanjay realizes he’s trodden upon some conversational real estate that is both quickmud and somewhere he doesn’t want to be right now.
“Well, bye”, I say. “Get some kip. Sounds like you could use it. But that’s just me and my flawed observations.”
I cap my coffee, stand up, shove a new cigar in my gob and walk out in a huff.
Sanjay sits there trying to figure out if I was really personally insulted. Slightly miffed. Or just yankin’ his chain.
Maybe I’ll let him know which sometime later.
Or maybe I’ll just let him stew for a while.
At the barn, it’s 0730. I ‘ve got the whiteboard finally wiped down. Sharpies aren’t the best things to use on them, I discovered. Oh, well. A little renatured, unflavored EtOH cleaned the board slick. It just keeps hiccuping at me.
It’s most disconcerting.
The class begins directly at 0800. I’m getting to the end of things I can teach these guys without delving more deeply into one or another subject. But there’s the rub. Unless they want to extend my contract, there isn’t time. And if they do want me to hang around, which subject would do the most good?
Fuck it.
I announce that after lunch, everyone meets here and boards the Magic Bus. Mr. Maha will convey them to an open stretch of beach. I feel the need for some demonstrations. After all, I have to leave in 3 days. After that, these characters are on their own. Of course, I’m available by Email, but it’s difficult to diagnose difficulties in demolition via that direction.
Lunch hour hits and I’m off to the bunker. I found, ahem, an old Royal Enfield Bullet C5 Desert Storm motorcycle. Actually, I’m renting it for 100 rupees per day. What the hell, it sure beats walking.
I’m at the bunker, sitting around the desk and chair we got corporate to cough up. I decide I’m going to do a full-spectrum display of various pyrotechnics.
On a stick.
I’m going to borrow several of those 6-foot bamboo poles and attach to the top, equivalent amounts of pyrotechnics, beginning with some gunpowder and up to an including my old nemesis, liquid nitro.
This will be some fun.
Let’s see. Quick inventory. Some things have come in over the last few days…
Black powder, Blasting caps, Det cord, Primacord, C-4, 40% Extra Fast Dynamite, 60% Extra Fast Dynamite, RDX, PETN, ANFO, Kinestik, and DOUBLEHELIX.
Oh, look here. A full inventory has been taken. Let’s see what we all have to play with:
Nitrogen Based Explosives and Formula
• Ammonium nitrate (AN) H4N2O3
• Ammonium picrate (Expl D) C6H6N4O7
• Cyclonite (RDX) C3H6N6O6
• Ethylenediamine dinitrate C2H10N4O6
• Guanidine nitrate CH6N4O3
• Hexamethylenetriperoxide diamine (HMTD) C6H12N2O6
• Hexanitrohexaazaisowurtzitane (HNIW or CL20) C6H6N12O12
• Hydrazine nitrate H5N3O3
• Mannitol hexanitrate C6H8N6O18
• Monomethylamine nitrate CH4N2O3
• Nitrocellulose C6H7N3O11
• Nitroglycerin (NG) C3H5N3O9
• Nitrotriazolone (NTO) C2H2N4O3
• Octogen (HMX) C4H8N8O8
• Pentaerythritol tetranitrate (PETN) C5H8N4O12
• Picric acid C6H3N3O7
• Tetrazene C2H8N10O
• Tetryl C7H5N5O8
• Trinitrobenzene (TNB) C6H3N3O6
• Trinitrotoluene (TNT) C7H5N3O6
• Triaminoguanidine nitrate (TAGN) CH9N7O3
• Triaminotrinitrobenzene (TATB) C6H6N6O6
• 1,3,3-Trinitroazetidine (TNAZ) C3H4N4O6
• Trinitrochlorobenzene C6H2ClN3O6
• Trinitropyridine C5H2N4O6
• Urea nitrate CH5N3O4
• Other explosive types
• Ammonium perchlorate H4NO4Cl
• Lead styphnate C6H3N3O9Pb
• Triacetone triperoxide (TATP) C9H18O6
• Black powder Intimate mixture
• Tetraamminecopper perchlorate H24Cl2CuN4O8
• Kinestix Binary Solid
• Seismogel Binary semi-solid
• DOUBLEHELIX Binary liquid
Not that we needed all that for the job, but once you get locked into a serious explosives collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
Whoever takes over my job when I leave is going to have him or herself some fun. I wish I had time to play with everything on the list. It would be most enjoyable.
Well, I don’t have that much time, so I’ll just go back to my original list and do some shopping.
Hmmm…Black powder, Blasting caps, Det cord, Primacord, C-4, 40% Extra Fast Dynamite, 60% Extra Fast Dynamite, RDX, PETN, ANFO, Kinestik, and DOUBLEHELIX.
I pack approximately 1 kilogram, where applicable, of each into my backpack. I somehow manage to get the bamboo shoots over to an area of the beach that’s currently unoccupied, as it’s just growing back from our little 9-ton ammo dump party.
I attach all the explosives to the top of the bamboo and duct tape them soundly to the little wooden platform on the top.
I key the mic on my radio and give a call to Mr. Maha. I explain that he should take his Magic Bus to the Barn, inform all my crew to board the bus and meet me over at the divot we created a few days ago. He knows the place, in fact, he tells me that the locals have taken to fishing there in the evenings as it’s a nice, shady area with a new geographic outlook.
Evidently the locals like a little change now and again.
At 1330, the incredibly hued Magic Bus arrives. I instruct Mr. Maha to park his polychromatic creation well away from the 12 bamboo poles swaying gently in the breeze.
He did not need to be told twice. He knows to take me literally, or greater, at my word.
I tell the guys that this is a practical demonstration of equal amounts of a dozen different explosives.
I tell them it’s also pop quiz time. Tell me, on a sheet of paper out of your field notebooks, what you think will be the biggest bang, and list from 1 to 12 the order of increasing energy.
Also, which are deflagrating versus detonating explosives.
I live for pop quizzes.
I give them a few minutes to get settled. Since I have each one set with a radio-controlled detonator, which I chose to be 10 MHz apart so we had no doubles, I have a sheet of frequencies and pole positions, if you will.
This isn’t like the US, Europe, or even Russia. There’s not much going on across the radio frequency spectrum, so I’m not too worried about having FM-ZOO radio setting anything off prematurely. Besides, I chose detonators well out of the broadcast band. Still, there’s always the chance of some joker of a HAM radio operator with a leaky linear amplifier bleedin’ all over the frequency spectrum.
They’d have to be able to overpower my hand-held, and since there’s no one line-of-sight working on a collinear or Yagi sort of antenna, I decide it’s a risk worth taking.
I’d never even think of attempting this just about anywhere else.
“All set?”, I ask and plug in a new cigar, “Smoke’m if you got’em.”
After I dispense a dozen or so cigars, we’re back on track.
“Oh, yes, how daft of me”, I swan, “First. The Hindi Safety Dance. Gentlemen?”
A group spontaneously arises and begins to clear the compass.
They just love doing the safety dance. They really camp it up. Perhaps because they know what’s coming immediately after…
Finally we hear: “किसी बड़े विस्फोट की चेतावनी देना!” “Kisee bade visphot kee chetaavanee dena!” “FIRE IN THE HOLE!”
Once again, it’s Showtime.
To be continued.

Perfect pangrams in English Without abbreviations, acronyms, contractions, initialisms, isolated letters, proper nouns, Roman numerals Cwm fjord veg balks nth pyx quiz. (Relaxing in basins at the end of inlets terminates the endless tests from the box.) Cwm fjord bank glyphs vext quiz. (Carved symbols in a mountain hollow on the bank of an inlet irritated an eccentric person.) Jink cwm, zag veldt, fob qursh pyx. (Cross valley and plain to steal coins from Saudi mint. – created by Stephen Wagner) Junky qoph-flags vext crwd zimb. (An Abyssinian fly playing a Celtic violin was annoyed by trashy flags on which were the Hebrew letter qoph.) Squdgy fez, blank jimp crwth vox! (A short brimless felt hat barely blocks out the sound of a Celtic violin. – created by Claude Shannon) Veldt jynx grimps waqf zho buck (A grass-plains wryneck climbs upon a male yak-cattle hybrid that was donated under Islamic law.) Bortz waqf glyphs vex muck djin. (Signage indicating endowments for industrial diamonds annoy filth-spreading genies. – created by Ed Spargo) With abbreviations, acronyms, initialisms or proper nouns, all restricted to dictionary words Jumbling vext frowzy hacks PDQ. (Being bounced around quickly annoyed the disheveled taxi drivers. – all words in high school dictionary) PR flacks quiz gym: TV DJ box when? (Public relations agent asks sports room, when do television disc jockeys fight?) Zing, dwarf jocks vex lymph, Qutb. (Making a high-pitched sound, short athletes annoy their white blood plasma and an Islamic saint. – created by Peter M. Lella) Zing, vext cwm fly jabs Kurd qoph. (Making a high-pitched sound, annoyed mountain basin insect sticks Hebrew letter.) Kat veld zubr gif cwm jynx qophs. (European bison of a shrubby African plain make digital image files of Semitic letters from valley wrynecks. – discovered by Da-Shih Hu) With abbreviations, acronyms, contractions, initialisms, isolated letters, proper nouns, Roman Numerals and not restricted to Dictionary Words A zenith of Xvurj’s cwm KL Gybdq Zombies play crwth, quj FDG xvnk Blowzy night-frumps vex’d Jack Q. Dwarf mobs quiz lynx.jpg, kvetch! (Crowd of midgets question picture of wildcat, then complain.) Frowzy things plumb vex’d Jack Q. G.B. fjords vex quick waltz nymph. Glum Schwartzkopf vex’d by NJ IQ. Gym DJ Beck vows phiz tranq flux. (Beck, the gymnasium DJ, promises a change in facial tranquilizers.) Jerk gawps foxy Qum Blvd. chintz. JFK got my VHS, PC and XLR web quiz. Jocks find quartz glyph, vex BMW. J.Q. Vandz struck my big fox whelp. J.Q. Schwartz flung D.V. Pike my box. Jump dogs, why vex Fritz Blank QC? Mr. Jock, TV quiz PhD, bags few lynx. New job: fix Mr. Gluck’s hazy TV, PDQ! (includes 5 punctuation symbols) Quartz glyph job vex’d cwm finks. (The act of carving symbols into quartz irritated ruffians from a Welsh river valley.) Quartz jock vends BMW glyph fix. The glib czar junks my VW Fox PDQ. Longer pangrams in English (in order of fewest letters used) Nymphs blitz quick vex dwarf jog. (27 letters) DJs flock by when MTV ax quiz prog. (27 letters) (2 acronyms, 1 abbreviation and a US spelling) Big fjords vex quick waltz nymph. (27 letters) Bawds jog, flick quartz, vex nymph. (27 letters) Waltz job vexed quick frog nymphs. (28 letters) (new variation on 29 letter version) Junk MTV quiz graced by fox whelps. (28 letters) (Includes abbreviation) Bawds jog, flick quartz, vex nymphs. (28 letters) Waltz, bad nymph, for quick jigs vex! (28 letters) Waltz, nymph, for quick jigs vex Bud! (28 letters) (Includes proper noun) Fox nymphs grab quick-jived waltz. (28 letters) Brick quiz whangs jumpy veldt fox. (28 letters) Glib jocks quiz nymph to vex dwarf. (28 letters) Bright vixens jump; dozy fowl quack. (29 letters) Vexed nymphs go for quick waltz job. (29 letters) Quick wafting zephyrs vex bold Jim. (29 letters) (Includes proper noun) Quick zephyrs blow, vexing daft Jim. (29 letters) (Includes proper noun) Quick blowing zephyrs vex daft Jim. (29 letters) (Includes proper noun) Sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow! (29 letters) (Used by Adobe InDesign when providing samples of all fonts.) Sex-charged fop blew my junk TV quiz. (29 letters) (Includes abbreviation) Both fickle dwarves jinx my pig quiz. (30 letters) Fat hag dwarves quickly zap jinx mob. (30 letters) Hick dwarves jam blitzing foxy quip. (30 letters) Fox dwarves chop my talking quiz job. (30 letters) Public junk dwarves quiz mighty fox. (30 letters) Jack fox bids ivy-strewn phlegm quiz. (30 letters) (Includes proper noun) How quickly daft jumping zebras vex. (30 letters) Two driven jocks help fax my big quiz. (30 letters) “Now fax quiz Jack!” my brave ghost pled. (30 letters) (Includes proper noun) Jack, love my big wad of sphinx quartz! (30 letters) (Includes proper noun) Do wafting zephyrs quickly vex Jumbo? (31 letters) (Includes proper noun) Go, lazy fat vixen; be shrewd, jump quick. (31 letters) Fickle jinx bog dwarves spy math quiz. (31 letters) Big dwarves heckle my top quiz of jinx. (31 letters) Fickle bog dwarves jinx empathy quiz. (31 letters) Public junk dwarves hug my quartz fox. (31 letters) Jumping hay dwarves flock quartz box. (31 letters) Five jumping wizards hex bolty quick. (31 letters) Five hexing wizard bots jump quickly. (31 letters) Quick fox jumps nightly above wizard. (31 letters) Vamp fox held quartz duck just by wing. (31 letters) Five quacking zephyrs jolt my wax bed. (31 letters) (Used by Mac OS X when previewing TrueType fonts.) The five boxing wizards jump quickly. (31 letters) (Used by XXDiff as sample text) Jackdaws love my big sphinx of quartz. (31 letters) (Used by Microsoft Windows XP when previewing some non-TrueType/OpenType fonts. It is interesting that the set of digits afterwards omits the numeral 7.) Show mangled quartz flip vibe exactly. (32 letters) My jocks box, get hard, unzip, quiver, flow. (32 letters) Kvetching, flummoxed by job, W. zaps Iraq. (32 letters) (Includes proper nouns) My ex pub quiz crowd gave joyful thanks. (32 letters) Cozy sphinx waves quart jug of bad milk. (32 letters) A very bad quack might jinx zippy fowls. (32 letters) (Contains all 26 letters in lower case) Pack my box with five dozen liquor jugs. (32 letters) (Used for font samples in the catalog of the Kelsey Press Company, by Beagle Bros and in Space Shuttle; featured in Ella Minnow Pea) Few quips galvanized the mock jury box. (32 letters) Quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. (32 letters) (Not attested as frequently as the traditional, and better-formed, The quick brown fox…, below) Quilt frenzy jackdaw gave them best pox. (33 letters) Jumpy halfling dwarves pick quartz box. (33 letters) Schwarzkopf vexed Iraq big-time in July. (33 letters) (Includes proper nouns) Vex quest wizard, judge my backflop hand. (33 letters) The jay, pig, fox, zebra and my wolves quack! (33 letters) Blowzy red vixens fight for a quick jump. (33 letters) Sex prof gives back no quiz with mild joy. (33 letters) (Includes abbreviation) The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog. (33 letters) (A variant of the better-known, but longer, version with the in place of a, below.) A quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. (33 letters) (This variation contains all 26 letters in lower case) Quest judge wizard bonks foxy chimp love. (34 letters) Boxers had zap of gay jock love, quit women. (34 letters, each consonant used only once) Joaquin Phoenix was gazed by MTV for luck. (34 letters) (Includes proper nouns and abbreviation) JCVD might pique a sleazy boxer with funk.[2] (34 letters) (Includes abbreviation of proper noun) Quizzical twins proved my hijack-bug fix. (34 letters) Fix problem quickly with galvanized jets. (35 letters) The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. (35 letters) (Used to test typewriters and computer keyboards, and as sample text; famous for its coherency, dating back to 1888. Sometimes erroneously quoted with “jumped”, omitting the letter s.) Waxy and quivering, jocks fumble the pizza. (35 letters) When zombies arrive, quickly fax judge Pat. (35 letters) (Includes proper noun) Heavy boxes perform quick waltzes and jigs. (36 letters) A wizard’s job is to vex chumps quickly in fog. (36 letters) Sympathizing would fix Quaker objectives. (36 letters) (Includes proper noun) Pack my red box with five dozen quality jugs. (36 letters) BlewJ’s computer quiz favored proxy hacking. (37 letters) (Includes proper noun) Quads of blowzy fjord ignite map vex’d chicks. (37 letters) Fake bugs put in wax jonquils drive him crazy. (37 letters) Watch “Jeopardy!”, Alex Trebek’s fun TV quiz game. (37 letters) (Includes proper nouns and abbreviation) GQ jock wears vinyl tuxedo for showbiz promo. (37 letters) (Includes abbreviation) The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dogs. (37 letters) Who packed five dozen old quart jugs in my box? (37 letters) Woven silk pyjamas exchanged for blue quartz. (38 letters) (Used for font samples by Scribus) Brawny gods just flocked up to quiz and vex him. (38 letters) Twelve ziggurats quickly jumped a finch box. (38 letters) Prating jokers quizzically vexed me with fibs. (39 letters) My faxed joke won a pager in the cable TV quiz show. (39 letters) (Includes abbreviation) The quick onyx goblin jumps over the lazy dwarf. (39 letters) (From flavor text in a card in the Magic: the Gathering card game[3]) The lazy major was fixing Cupid’s broken quiver. (39 letters) (Includes proper noun) Amazingly few discotheques provide jukeboxes. (40 letters) (only 5 words – fewer than all others in this list) Jacky can now give six big tips from the old quiz. (40 letters) Lovak won the squad prize cup for sixty big jumps. (40 letters) J. Fox made five quick plays to win the big prize. (40 letters) Foxy diva Jennifer Lopez wasn’t baking my quiche. (41 letters) (Includes proper noun) Cozy lummox gives smart squid who asks for job pen. (41 letters) (Used for font samples by the Macintosh, post-System 7, as well as on certain Palm products) By Jove, my quick study of lexicography won a prize. (41 letters) (Includes proper noun) Levi Lentz packed my bag with six quarts of juice. (41 letters) Painful zombies quickly watch a jinxed graveyard. (42 letters) Fax back Jim’s Gwyneth Paltrow video quiz. (42 letters) (Includes proper nouns) As quirky joke, chefs won’t pay devil magic zebra tax. (42 letters) My girl wove six dozen plaid jackets before she quit. (43 letters) Then a cop quizzed Mick Jagger’s ex-wives briefly. (43 letters) (Includes proper noun) Six big devils from Japan quickly forgot how to waltz. (44 letters) (Includes proper noun) “Who am taking the ebonics quiz?”, the prof jovially axed. (44 letters) Why shouldn’t a quixotic Kazakh vampire jog barefoot? (44 letters) (Includes proper noun) Grumpy wizards make a toxic brew for the jovial queen. (44 letters) Sixty zips were quickly picked from the woven jute bag. (45 letters) Big July earthquakes confound zany experimental vow. (45 letters) (Includes proper noun) Foxy parsons quiz and cajole the lovably dim wiki-girl. (45 letters) Cute, kind, jovial, foxy physique, amazing beauty? Wowser! (45 letters) Have a pick: twenty-six letters — no forcing a jumbled quiz! (46 letters) A very big box sailed up then whizzed quickly from Japan. (46 letters) Battle of Thermopylae: Quick javelin grazed wry Xerxes. (46 letters) (Includes proper nouns) Jack quietly moved up front and seized the big ball of wax. (47 letters) (Includes proper noun) Few black taxis drive up major roads on quiet hazy nights. (47 letters) Just poets wax boldly as kings and queens march over fuzz. (47 letters) Bored? Craving a pub quiz fix? Why, just come to the Royal Oak! (47 letters) (Used to advertise a pub quiz in Bowness-on-Windermere) Quincy Pondexter blocked five jams against the Wizards! (47 letters) (Includes proper nouns) Crazy Frederick bought many very exquisite opal jewels. (48 letters) (Includes proper noun) A quivering Texas zombie fought republic linked jewelry. (48 letters) (Includes proper noun) Grumpy wizards make toxic brew for the evil queen and jack. (48 letters) (Used by Google Fonts) The job of waxing linoleum frequently peeves chintzy kids. (49 letters) Back in June we delivered oxygen equipment of the same size. (49 letters) (Includes proper noun) Just keep examining every low bid quoted for zinc etchings. (49 letters) (Used in many type specimen books for letterpress printers) How razorback-jumping frogs can level six piqued gymnasts! (49 letters) (Used for font samples by the Macintosh, System 7 era) A quick movement of the enemy will jeopardize six gunboats. (49 letters) All questions asked by five watched experts amaze the judge. (49 letters) Bobby Klun awarded Jayme sixth place for her very high quiz. (50 letters) The wizard quickly jinxed the gnomes before they vaporized. (50 letters) Zelda might fix the job growth plans very quickly on Monday. (50 letters) Zack Gappow saved the job requirement list for the six boys. (50 letters) Jackie will budget for the most expensive zoology equipment. (51 letters) Quirky spud boys can jam after zapping five worthy Polysixes. (51 letters) (Includes proper noun) Jim quickly realized that the beautiful gowns are expensive. (51 letters) English phonetic pangrams Pangrams which use all the phonemes, or phones, of English (rather than alphabetic characters): “With tenure, Suzie’d have all the more leisure for yachting, but her publications are no good.” (for certain US accents and phonological analyses) “Shaw, those twelve beige hooks are joined if I patch a young, gooey mouth.” (perfect for certain accents with the cot-caught merger) “Are those shy Eurasian footwear, cowboy chaps, or jolly earthmoving headgear?” (perfect for certain Received Pronunciation accents) “The beige hue on the waters of the loch impressed all, including the French queen, before she heard that symphony again, just as young Arthur wanted.” (a phonetic, not merely phonemic, pangram. It contains both nasals [m] and [ɱ] (as in ‘symphony’), the fricatives [x] (as in ‘loch’) and [ç] (as in ‘hue’), and the ‘dark L’ [ɫ] (as in ‘all’) - in other words, it contains different allophones.) Other languages Arabic صِف خَلقَ خَودِ كَمِثلِ الشَمسِ إِذ بَزَغَت — يَحظى الضَجيعُ بِها نَجلاءَ مِعطارِ (A poem by Al Farāhīdi) هلا سكنت بذي ضغثٍ فقد زعموا — شخصت تطلب ظبياً راح مجتازا اصبر على حفظ خضر واستشر فطنا، وزج همك في بغداذ منثملا نصٌّ حكيمٌ لهُ سِرٌّ قاطِعٌ وَذُو شَأنٍ عَظيمٍ مكتوبٌ على ثوبٍ أخضرَ ومُغلفٌ بجلدٍ أزرق naṣun ḥakymun lahu syrun qāṭiʿun wa ḏu šānin ʿẓymin maktubun ʿala ṯubin aẖḍra wa muġalafun biǧildin azraq A wise text which has an absolute secret and great importance, written on a green cloth and covered with blue leather (it has a riddle built into it) ابجد هوز حطي كلمن سعفص قرشت ثخذ ضظغ أبجد هوز ترتيب الحروف العبرية والعربية من اللغات الساميَّة Azeri Zəfər, jaketini də papağını da götür, bu axşam hava çox soyuq olacaq. Zafer (male name), take your jacket and cap, it will be very cold tonight. Breton Yec’hed mat Jakez ! Skarzhit ar gwerennoù-mañ, kavet e vo gwin betek fin ho puhez. Bulgarian Ах чудна българска земьо, полюшвай цъфтящи жита. Ah, wonderful Bulgarian land, shake the blooming wheat fields. Жълтата дюля беше щастлива, че пухът, който цъфна, замръзна като гьон. The yellow quince was happy that the fluff which bloomed froze like sole-leather. За миг бях в чужд плюшен скърцащ фотьойл. (Used for font samples by the Macintosh, in the localized System 7) For a moment I was in someone else’s plush squeaking armchair. Вкъщи не яж сьомга с фиде без ракийка и хапка люта чушчица! At home, do not eat salmon with soup noodles without rakia and a bit of hot paprika! Под южно дърво, цъфтящо в синьо, бягаше малко пухкаво зайче. Under a southern tree, blooming in blue, ran a little fluffy bunny. Шугав льохман, държащ птицечовка без сейф и ютия. A mangy lummox, holding a platypus without a safe and flat iron. Я, пазачът Вальо уж бди, а скришом хапва кюфтенца зад щайгите. Why, Valyo the guard is supposed to be watching, and yet he’s secretly eating meatballs behind the crates. Хълцайки много, въздесъщият позьор, Юрий жабока, фучеше. Hiccuping intensely, the famous poseur, Yuri the frog, was sputtering. Гномът Доцьо приключи спящ в шейна за жаби. Dotsyo the Gnome ended up sleeping in a carriage for frogs. Щиглецът се яде само пържен в юфка без чушки и хвойна. Goldfinch is only eaten fried with noodles, without peppers and juniper. Фучейки и хълцайки, кьоравият грухтящ шопар жадно стъпка зюмбюлите Snorting and whimpering, the grunting blind boar hungrily trampled the hyacinths. Хълцащ змей плюе шофьор стигнал чуждия бивак. A hiccuping dragon spits at a driver who has reached someone else’s campsite. Щурчо Цоньо хапваше ловджийско кюфте с бяла гъмза. Tsonyo the cricket was eating a hunter-style meatball with white Gamza wine. Catalan (with all letters and diacritics) «Dóna amor que seràs feliç!». Això, il•lús company geniüt, ja és un lluït rètol blavís d’onze kWh. “Give love and you’ll be happy!”. This, ingenuous fellow with bad temper, is already in a blue sign of 11kWh. (with ç) Jove xef, porti whisky amb quinze glaçons d’hidrogen, coi! Young chef, bring whisky with fifteen hydrogen ice cubes, darn! Aqueix betzol, Jan, comprava whisky de figa That idiot, Jan, was buying fig whisky Zel de grum: quetxup, whisky, cafè, bon vi; ja! Coi! quinze jans golafres de Xàtiva, beuen whisky a pams Cherokee ᎠᏍᎦᏯᎡᎦᎢᎾᎨᎢᎣᏍᏓᎤᎩᏍᏗᎥᎴᏓᎯᎲᎢᏔᎵᏕᎦᏟᏗᏖᎸᎳᏗᏗᎧᎵᎢᏘᎴᎩ ᏙᏱᏗᏜᏫᏗᏣᏚᎦᏫᏛᏄᏓᎦᏝᏃᎠᎾᏗᎭᏞᎦᎯᎦᏘᏓᏠᎨᏏᏕᏡᎬᏢᏓᏥᏩᏝᎡᎢᎪᎢ ᎠᎦᏂᏗᎮᎢᎫᎩᎬᏩᎴᎢᎠᏆᏅᏛᎫᏊᎾᎥᎠᏁᏙᎲᏐᏈᎵᎤᎩᎸᏓᏭᎷᏤᎢᏏᏉᏯᏌᏊ ᎤᏂᏋᎢᏡᎬᎢᎰᏩᎬᏤᎵᏍᏗᏱᎩᎱᎱᎤᎩᎴᎢᏦᎢᎠᏂᏧᏣᏨᎦᏥᎪᎥᏌᏊᎤᎶᏒᎢᎢᏡᎬᎢ ᎹᎦᎺᎵᏥᎻᎼᏏᎽᏗᏩᏂᎦᏘᎾᎿᎠᏁᎬᎢᏅᎩᎾᏂᎡᎢᏌᎶᎵᏎᎷᎠᏑᏍᏗᏪᎩ ᎠᎴ ᏬᏗᏲᏭᎾᏓᏍᏓᏴᏁᎢᎤᎦᏅᏮᏰᎵᏳᏂᎨᎢ. Croatian Gojazni đačić s biciklom drži hmelj i finu vatu u džepu nošnje. (Used by Microsoft Office as sample text for Croatian language.) The overweight little schoolboy with a bike is holding hops and fine cotton in the pocket of his attire. Czech Nechť již hříšné saxofony ďáblů rozezvučí síň úděsnými tóny waltzu, tanga a quickstepu. (All 42 letters of the Czech alphabet, 72 letters in total) Let the sinful saxophones of devils finally make the hall resonate with the frightful tones of waltz, tango and quickstep. Příliš žluťoučký kůň úpěl ďábelské ódy. (All the non-ASCII letters of the Czech alphabet – popular sentence for character sets testing) Unduly yellowish horse was groaning devilish odes. Hleď, toť přízračný kůň v mátožné póze šíleně úpí. Behold, tis the eerie horse in tottering affectation groaning like crazy. Zvlášť zákeřný učeň s ďolíčky běží podél zóny úlů. Particularly insidious apprentice with dimples is running along the zone of hives. Loď čeří kýlem tůň obzvlášť v Grónské úžině. A vessel ripples a pool by its keel, especially in the strait of Greenland. Ó, náhlý déšť již zvířil prach a čilá laň teď běží s houfcem gazel k úkrytům. Oh, sudden rain has already whirled the dust and a spry doe now gallops with a flock of gazelles for the shelter. Danish (Each letter exactly once) Høj bly gom vandt fræk sexquiz på wc Tall shy groom won dirty sex quiz on W.C. Quizdeltagerne spiste jordbær med fløde, mens cirkusklovnen Walther spillede på xylofon. The quiz contestants ate strawberry with cream while Walter the circus clown played the xylophone. Dzongkha ཨ་ཡིག་དཀར་མཛེས་ལས་འཁྲུངས་ཤེས་བློའི་གཏེར༎ ཕས་རྒོལ་ཝ་སྐྱེས་ཟིལ་གནོན་གདོང་ལྔ་བཞིན༎ ཆགས་ཐོགས་ཀུན་བྲལ་མཚུངས་མེད་འཇམ་དབྱངསམཐུས༎ མཧཱ་མཁས་པའི་གཙོ་བོ་ཉིད་འགྱུར་ཅིག། Esperanto Eble ĉiu kvazaŭ-deca fuŝĥoraĵo ĝojigos homtipon. Maybe every quasi-fitting bungle-choir makes a human type happy. Laŭ Ludoviko Zamenhof bongustas freŝa ĉeĥa manĝaĵo kun spicoj. According to Ludwig Zamenhof, fresh Czech food with spices tastes good. Estonian Põdur Zagrebi tšellomängija-följetonist Ciqo külmetas kehvas garaažis Ill-healthy cellist-feuilletonist Ciqo from Zagreb was being cold in a poor garage. (used in KDE font selection). See väike mölder jõuab rongile hüpata This small miller is able to jump to train (used in localized version of Microsoft Word in Office XP, contains all non-foreign letters) Jubedalt möirgav lõukoer hüppas tänaval Terribly roaring lion jumped on street Finnish (A perfect pangram which does not include characters only found in foreign or loanwords (b, c, f, q, w, x, z, å)): Törkylempijävongahdus Muckysnogger booty-call. (Without the foreign characters c, q, x, z, w, å) Albert osti fagotin ja töräytti puhkuvan melodian. Albert bought a bassoon and blasted a puffing melody. (used in older versions of Word Perfect). (Without the foreign characters b, c, f, q, w, x, z, å) Lorun sangen pieneksi hyödyksi jäivät suomen kirjaimet. The quite small benefit of the rhyme was the letters of Finnish. Hyvän lorun sangen pieneksi hyödyksi jäi suomen kirjaimet. Modification of the previous one where the first letter is repeated (in the case the capital first letter is used but all the small letters are needed): The quite small benefit of the good rhyme was the letters of Finnish. (All characters, including foreign ones): Fahrenheit ja Celsius yrjösivät Åsan backgammon-peliin, Volkswagenissa, daiquirin ja ZX81:n yhteisvaikutuksesta. Fahrenheit and Celsius threw up on Åsa’s Backgammon board, in a Volkswagen, due to the coeffect of daiquiri and a ZX81. (All characters, including foreign ones): Charles Darwin jammaili Åken hevixylofonilla Qatarin yöpub Zeligissä. Charles Darwin was jamming on Åke’s heavy metal xylophone in the Qatar night pub Zelig. (All characters, including foreign ones): Wieniläinen sioux’ta puhuva ökyzombie diggaa Åsan roquefort-tacoja. The Sioux-speaking filthy rich zombie from Vienna digs Åsa’s Roquefort tacos. French Buvez de ce whisky que le patron juge fameux. (36) Drink some of this whisky which the boss finds excellent. Portez ce vieux whisky au juge blond qui fume Take this old whisky to the blond smoking judge Portez ce vieux whisky au juge blond qui a fumé. (variant with “é”) Take this old whisky to the blond judge who has smoked. Bâchez la queue du wagon-taxi avec les pyjamas du fakir Tarpaulin up the taxi-railcar tail with the fakir’s pajamas Voyez le brick géant que j’examine près du wharf See the giant brig which I examine near the wharf Voix ambiguë d’un cœur qui au zéphyr préfère les jattes de kiwi Ambiguous voice of a heart which prefers kiwi bowls to a zephyr Monsieur Jack, vous dactylographiez bien mieux que votre ami Wolf Mister Jack, you typed much better than your friend Wolf [was used in the Swiss army to check the keyboard of typewriters before teletransmission] West Frisian Alve bazige froulju wachtsje op dyn komst Eleven bossy women await your arrival German (no umlauts or ß): Sylvia wagt quick den Jux bei Pforzheim Sylvia dares quickly the joke near Pforzheim (no umlauts or ß): Franz jagt im komplett verwahrlosten Taxi quer durch Bayern Franz chases in the completely shabby cab straight through Bavaria (with umlauts and ß): Victor jagt zwölf Boxkämpfer quer über den großen Sylter Deich Victor chases twelve boxers across the great dam of Sylt (with umlauts and ß, each letter exactly once, according to the pre-1996 spelling rules): “Fix, Schwyz!” quäkt Jürgen blöd vom Paß “Quick, Schwyz!” Jürgen squawks zanily from the pass “Falsches Üben von Xylophonmusik quält jeden größeren Zwerg” (used by KDE) Wrong practising of xylophone music bothers every larger dwarf Greek Ταχίστη αλώπηξ βαφής ψημένη γη, δρασκελίζει υπέρ νωθρού κυνός Takhístè alôpèx vaphês psèménè gè, draskelízei ypér nòthroý kynós The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog (where brown is assigned by “colour of roasted earth”) Ξεσκεπάζω τὴν ψυχοφθόρα βδελυγμία. Xeskepazó tin psychofthóra vdelygmía. I uncover the soul-destroying abhorrence. Ζαφείρι δέξου πάγκαλο, βαθῶν ψυχῆς τὸ σῆμα. Receive an excellent sapphire, denoting profundity of soul. διαφυλάξτε γενικά τη ζωή σας από βαθειά ψυχικά τραύματα protect in general your life from deep psychological wounds Notable pangrams found occurring in ancient Greek literature include: Homeric Hymn to Hermes 22-24 Pindar, Olympian 6 21-24 Aeschylus, Agamemnon 439-444 Euripides, Alcestis 169-172, Hercules 927-930, Bacchae 719b-723a Isaeus, De Hagnia, section 31 (ἐλέλυθεν…λήψεσθαι) Lycurgus, Against Leocrates 100.3-6 Lysias 12.93.3-5 Thucydides, from the last four words of 4.115.2 through the first ten words of 4.115.3 Hebrew דג סקרן שט בים מאוכזב ולפתע מצא חברה dg sqrn šṭ bjM mʾwkzb wlptʿ mṣʾ ḥbrh (A curious fish sailed the sea disappointedly, and suddenly found company) כך התרסק נפץ על גוזל קטן, שדחף את צבי למים kk htrsq npṣ ʿl gwzl qṭn, šdḥp ʾt ṣbj lmjm An explosive crashed into a small chick, which pushed my deer into the water. (Includes all medial and final forms, here indicated by bold letters.) שפן אכל קצת גזר בטעם חסה, ודי. špn ʾkl qṣt gzr bṭʿm ḥsh, wdj (A hyrax ate some lettuce flavored carrot and that’s it) Each letter occurs exactly once. עטלף אבק נס דרך מזגן שהתפוצץ כי חם (A “dust bat” escaped through the air conditioner, which exploded due to the heat) All 22 in the Hebrew alphabet with all medial and final forms או הנסה אלהים, לבוא לקחת לו גוי מקרב גוי, במסת באתת ובמופתים ובמלחמה וביד חזקה ובזרוע נטויה, ובמוראים גדלים: ככל אשר-עשה לכם יהוה אלהיכם, במצרים—לעיניך (Deuteronomy 4:34) לכן חכו לי נאם יהוה ליום קומי לעד, כי משפטי לאסף גוים לקבצי ממלכות, לשפך עליהם זעמי כל חרון אפי, כי באש קנאתי תאכל כל הארץ (Zephaniah 3:8 – the only verse in the Hebrew Bible that contains all medial forms of the letters plus all final forms) Hindi ऋषियों को सताने वाले दुष्ट राक्षसों के राजा रावण का सर्वनाश करने वाले विष्णुवतार भगवान श्रीराम, अयोध्या के महाराज दशरथ के बड़े सपुत्र थे। Hungarian Jó foxim és don Quijote húszwattos lámpánál ülve egy pár bűvös cipőt készít. My good foxterrier and don Quixote are making a pair of magic shoes by a 20-watt lamp. Árvíztűrő tükörfúrógép A flood-resistant mirror drill Icelandic Kæmi ný öxi hér, ykist þjófum nú bæði víl og ádrepa. If a new axe were here, thieves would feel increasing deterrence and punishment. (each letter exactly once): Svo hölt, yxna kýr þegði jú um dóp í fé á bæ. A cow in heat with such a limp would admittedly keep silent about drugs in sheep on a farm. (each letter exactly once, with z (obsolete spelling)): Þú dazt á hnéð í vök og yfir blóm sexý pæju. You fell on the knee in a hole in the ice and over a sexy girl’s flower. Igbo Nne, nna, wepụ he’l’ụjọ dum n’ime ọzụzụ ụmụ, vufesi obi nye Chukwu, ṅụrịanụ, gbakọọnụ kpaa, kwee ya ka o guzoshie ike; ọ ghaghị ito, nwapụta ezi agwa. (all 36 letters and diacritics). Indonesian Muharjo seorang xenofobia universal yang takut pada warga jazirah, contohnya Qatar. Muharjo is a universal xenophobic who fears the peninsula residents, such as Qatar. Saya lihat foto Hamengkubuwono XV bersama enam zebra purba cantik yang jatuh dari Alquranmu. I saw a photo of Hamengkubuwono XV along with six beautiful ancient zebra which fell from your Koran. Hafiz mengendarai bajaj payah-payah ke warnet-x untuk mencetak lembar verifikasi dalam kertas quarto. Irish D’fhuascail Íosa Úrmhac na hÓighe Beannaithe pór Éava agus Ádhaimh D’ḟuascail Íosa Úrṁac na hÓiġe Beannaiṫe pór Éaḃa agus Áḋaiṁ Jesus, Son of the blessed Virgin, redeemed the seed of Eve and Adam. Ċuaiġ bé ṁórṡáċ le dlúṫspád fíorḟinn trí hata mo ḋea-ṗorcáin ḃig A greatly satisfied woman went with a truly white dense spade through the hat of my good little well-fattened pig (uses both regular and lenited (with dot above) letters) Italian Pangrams in Italian normally omit the foreign letters j, k, w, x, and y. Quel fez sghembo copre davanti That slanted fez covers the front. Ma la volpe, col suo balzo, ha raggiunto il quieto Fido. But the fox with her leap has reached the still Fido. [”Fido” is a name commonly given to dogs.] Quel vituperabile xenofobo zelante assaggia il whisky ed esclama: alleluja! That blameworthy, zealous xenophobe tastes his whisky and exclaims: Alleluja! Pranzo d’acqua fa volti sghembi. Lunch of water makes lopsided faces. O templi, quarzi, vigne, fidi boschi! O temples, quartzes, vines, faithful woods! Che tempi brevi, zio, quando solfeggi. Such short times, uncle, when you sol-fa. Qualche notizia pavese mi fa sbadigliare. Some news from Pavia makes me yawn. In quel campo si trovan funghi in abbondanza. In that field, mushrooms are to be found in abundance. Qualche vago ione tipo zolfo, bromo, sodio. Some vague ions, like sulfur, bromine, sodium. Berlusconi? Quiz, tv, paghe da fame. (Umberto Eco)[4] Tv? Quiz, Br, Flm, Dc… Oh, spenga! (Umberto Eco, 1979, without foreign letters) Japanese Since there are tens of thousands of kanji characters, Japanese pangrams are ones containing all kana. Iroha Uta いろはにほへと ちりぬるを わかよたれそ つねならむ うゐのおくやま けふこえて あさきゆめみし ゑひもせす（ん） irohanihoheto chirinuruwo wakayotareso tsunenaramu uwinookuyama kefukoete asakiyumemishi yehimosesu(n) 色は匂へど 散りぬるを 我が世誰ぞ 常ならむ 有為の奥山 今日越えて 浅き夢見じ 酔ひもせず（ん） * The poem Iroha uses all 47 classical kana characters exactly once, and it comes in the form of a poem. (The characters ゐ and ゑ are obsolete in modern Japanese.) Iroha is so classically entrenched that any modern construction of a Japanese pangram in classical form is called iroha-uta. Tori Naku Uta とりなくこゑす ゆめさませ みよあけわたる ひんかしを そらいろはえて おきつへに ほふねむれゐぬ もやのうち torinakukowesu yumesamase miyoakewataru hinkashiwo sorairohaete okitsuheni hofunemurewinu moyanōchi. 鳥啼く声す 夢覚ませ 見よ明け渡る 東を 空色栄えて 沖つ辺に 帆船群れゐぬ 靄の中 * Awaken from dreaming to the voice of the crying bird and see the coming daylight turning the east sky-blue; shrouded in mist is a flock of ships on the open sea Ametsuchi No Uta あめ つち ほし そら / やま かは みね たに / くも きり むろ こけ / ひと いぬ うへ すゑ / ゆわ さる おふ せよ / えのえを なれ ゐて 天 地 星 空 / 山 川 峰 谷 / 雲 霧 室 苔 / 人 犬 上 末 / 硫黄 猿 生ふ 為よ / 榎の 枝を 馴れ 居て Taini no Uta たゐにいて なつむわれをそ きみめすと あさりおひゆく やましろの うちゑへるこら もはほせよ えふねかけぬ 田居に出で 菜摘むわれをぞ 君召すと 求食り追ひゆく 山城の 打酔へる子ら 藻葉干せよ え舟繋けぬ There (were) two messengers; (they) had animosity (among each other); (they were) equally powerful (in fight); here are the corpses. This poem is used as the ordering of the Javanese script. This poem is a perfect pangram, which means there is only one instance of each letter. Klingon qajunpaQHeylIjmo’ batlh DuSuvqang charghwI’ ‘It. Because of your apparent audacity the depressed conqueror is willing to fight you. Korean 키스의 고유조건은 입술끼리 만나야 하고 특별한 기술은 필요치 않다. Kiseu-ui goyujogeoneun ipsulkkiri mannaya hago teukbyeolhan gisureun pilyochi antha. The essential condition for a kiss is that lips meet and there is no special technique required. In current usage, Hangul has 14 simple consonant letters, 6 simple vowel letters, and 4 iotized vowel letters; there are also 5 double consonant letters, 11 consonant clusters, and 11 diphthongs, made from combinations of the simple consonants or simple vowels. Of these, the above phrase contains all the simple consonant letters, simple vowel letters, and iotized vowel letters, along with 1 double consonant letter (ㄲ “gg”), 1 consonant cluster (ㄶ “nh”), and one diphthong (ㅢ “ui”). Latin Sic fugiens, dux, zelotypos, quam Karus haberis.[5] Thus fleeing, O leader, you are regarded with jealousy like Karus. Includes the letters k, y and z, used for words derived from Greek, but not the letters j, v or w, consonants that evolved from the vowels i and u. Latvian Muļķa hipiji mēģina brīvi nogaršot celofāna žņaudzējčūsku. Silly hippies try to freely taste the cellophane python. Glāžšķūņa rūķīši dzērumā čiepj Baha koncertflīģeļu vākus. Glass shack gnomes steal Bach piano covers while inebriated. Četri psihi faķīri vēlu vakarā zāģēja guļbūvei durvis, fonā šņācot mežam. Late at night, four psycho conjurors were sawing the doors of a log cabin as the wind hummed in the background. Lithuanian Įlinkdama fechtuotojo špaga sublykčiojusi pragręžė apvalų arbūzą Incurving fencer sword sparkled and perforated a round watermelon Lojban .o’i mu xagji sofybakni cu zvati le purdi Watch out, five hungry Soviet-cows are in the garden! Macedonian Ѕидарски пејзаж: шугав билмез со чудење џвака ќофте и кељ на туѓ цех. A mason’s landscape: a mangy fool wonderingly munches on meatball and kale at someone else’s expense. Бучниов жолт џин ѕида куќа со фурна меѓу полиња за цреши, хмељ и грозје. [This] noisy yellow giant is building a house with an oven in the midst of fields of cherries, hops and grapes. Долг Џош, сторив женење, црн ѕид! Фрчат хмељ, ќумбе, ѓупки, зајак. Long Josh, I’ve done a reaping, a black wall! Hops, Gypsy women, rabbit are whizzing. Мојот дружељубив коњ со тих галоп фаќа брз џиновски глушец по туѓо ѕитче. My friendly horse with a quiet gallop catches a quick giant mouse over someone else’s little wall. Malayalam അജവും ആനയും ഐരാവതവും ഗരുഡനും കഠോര സ്വരം പൊഴിക്കെ ഹാരവും ഒഢ്യാണവും ഫാലത്തില് മഞ്ഞളും ഈറന് കേശത്തില് ഔഷധ എണ്ണയുമായി ഋതുമതിയും അനഘയും ഭൂനാഥയുമായ ഉമ ദുഃഖഛവിയോടെ ഇടതു പാദം ഏന്തി ങ്യേയാദൃശം നിര്ഝരിയിലെ ചിറ്റലകളെ ഓമനിക്കുമ്പോള് ബാലയുടെ കണ്കളില് നീര് ഊര്ന്നു വിങ്ങി. Mapudungun The Ragileo alphabet doesn’t distinguish some sounds which are mostly used to convey affectionate speech variations, such as s/sh. (Ragileo alphabet) Gvxam mincetu apocikvyeh: ñizol ce mamvj ka raq kuse bafkeh mew (Unified alphabet) Ngütram minchetu apochiküyeṉ: ñidol che mamüll ka rag kushe ḻafkeṉ mew. (Azümchefe) Gütxam minchetu apochiküyenh: ñizol che mamüll ka raq kushe lhafkenh mew. Tale under the full moon: the chief chemamull and the clay old woman at the lake/sea. Mongolian Щётканы фермд пийшин цувъя. Бөгж зогсч хэльюү. Let’s echelon fireplaces in brush farm. Ring says standing. Myanmar The genius from Sri Lanka read the formula of elixir of life thoroughly in the almond tree next to Zalun market. Norwegian Since Norwegian orthography does not include c, q, w, x or z, except in foreign borrowings that haven’t been naturalised, the possible pangrams including all the 29 letters of the Norwegian alphabet will require using two or more words with a distinctly foreign spelling. Vår sære Zulu fra badeøya spilte jo whist og quickstep i min taxi. Our strange Zulu from the bathing island actually played whist and quickstep in my taxi. Høvdingens kjære squaw får litt pizza i Mexico by. The chief’s dear squaw gets a little pizza in Mexico City. IQ-løs WC-boms uten hørsel skjærer god pizza på xylofon. IQ-less WC-bum without hearing cuts good pizza on xylophone. Sær golfer med kølle vant sexquiz på wc i hjemby. Strange golfer with club won sex quiz on W.C. in hometown. Jeg begynte å fortære en sandwich mens jeg kjørte taxi på vei til quiz I started to devour a sandwich while I was riding a taxi on the way to the quiz Polish Perfect pangrams (each letter exactly once): Jeżu klątw, spłódź Finom część gry hańb! (by Stanisław Barańczak) O hedgehog of curses, generate for the Finns a part of the game of ignominies! Pójdźże, kiń tę chmurność w głąb flaszy! Go, cast this melancholy into the depth of a bottle! Mężny bądź, chroń pułk twój i sześć flag. Be brave, protect your regiment and six flags. Filmuj rzeź żądań, pość, gnęb chłystków! Film the slaughter of demands, abstain from food, oppress the greenhorns! Pchnąć w tę łódź jeża lub ośm skrzyń fig. To push a hedgehog or eight crates of figs into this boat. (ośm – the original form of the numeral osiem) Dość gróźb fuzją, klnę, pych i małżeństw! “Enough of these threats with the shotgun,” swear I, “haughtinesses and marriages!” Pójdź w loch zbić małżeńską gęś futryn! Go to the dungeon to batter the marital goose of doorframes! Chwyć małżonkę, strój bądź pleśń z fugi. Seize your wife, the garment, or the mold from the grout. Imperfect pangram: Koń i żółw grali w kości z piękną ćmą u źródła. A horse and a tortoise played dice with a beautiful moth near the spring. Portuguese without diacritics Um pequeno jabuti xereta viu dez cegonhas felizes. (BP) A curious little tortoise saw ten happy storks. Blitz prende ex-vesgo com cheque fajuto. (BP) Cop arrests ex-cross-eye with fake check in a checkpoint. Gazeta publica hoje no jornal uma breve nota de faxina na quermesse. (BP) The journalists publish today at the newspaper a short note about the cleaning at the kirmiss. Zebras caolhas de Java querem passar fax para moças gigantes de New York. (BP) One-eyed zebras from Java want to fax for giant ladies from New York. with diacritics Luís argüia à Júlia que «brações, fé, chá, óxido, pôr, zângão» eram palavras do português. Luís argued to Júlia that “big arms, faith, tea, oxide, to put, bee” were Portuguese words. À noite, vovô Kowalsky vê o ímã cair no pé do pingüim queixoso e vovó põe açúcar no chá de tâmaras do jabuti feliz. (BP) At night, grandpa Kowalsky sees the magnet falling on the complaining penguin’s foot and grandma puts sugar in the happy tortoise’s date tea. Romanian Muzicologă în bej vând whisky și tequila, preț fix. (Female) musicologist in beige, sells whisky and tequila, fixed price. Bând whisky, jazologul șprițuit vomă fix în tequila. Drinking whisky, the drunken jazzman threw up right in the tequila. Ex-sportivul își fumează jucăuș țigara bând whisky cu tequila. The ex-sportsman playfully smokes his cigarette, drinking whisky with tequila. Înjurând pițigăiat, zoofobul comandă vexat whisky și tequila. Swearing in high pitch, the zoophobic man vexedly ordered whisky and tequila. Russian (traditional telegraph test; lacks ъ and ё) В чащах юга жил бы цитрус? Да, но фальшивый экземпляр! Would a citrus live in the thickets of the south? Yes, but only a fake one! (using quasiobsolete spelling for last word to include ъ) В чащах юга жил бы цитрус? Да, но фальшивый экземпляръ! same (each letter exactly once) Эх, чужак, общий съём цен шляп (юфть) – вдрызг! Hey, stranger, the general takings from prices of hats (made from a thick leather) have completely crashed! (each letter exactly once) — Любя, съешь щипцы, — вздохнёт мэр, — Кайф жгуч! The mayor will sigh, “Eat the pliers with love; pleasure burns!” (Microsoft used it in fontview.exe for Cyrillic fonts without «же») Съешь же ещё этих мягких французских булок, да выпей чаю. S’eš’ že eŝë ètih mjagkih francuzskih bulok, da vypej čaju. So eat more of these soft French loaves, and have some tea! (used in KDE) Широкая электрификация южных губерний даст мощный толчок подъёму сельского хозяйства. Widespread electrification of southern guberniyas will give a powerful incentive to the rise of agriculture. Разъяренный чтец эгоистично бьёт пятью жердями шустрого фехтовальщика. An enraged narrator selfishly beats a nimble fencer with five poles. (lacks ъ and ё) Наш банк вчера же выплатил Ф.Я. Эйхгольду комиссию за ценные вещи. As of yesterday, our bank already remitted to F.J. Eichhold a commission payment for the valuables. Sanskrit कः खगौघाङचिच्छौजा झाञ्ज्ञोऽटौठीडडण्ढणः। तथोदधीन् पफर्बाभीर्मयोऽरिल्वाशिषां सहः।। [6] Scottish Gaelic Mus d’fhàg Cèit-Ùna ròp Ì le ob. Before Kate-Una left the Iona cattle auction with hops. Serbian (some also apply to Croatian and Bosnian) Gojazni đačić s biciklom drži hmelj i finu vatu u džepu nošnje. The overweight little schoolboy with a bike is holding hops and fine cotton in the pocket of his attire. Fin džip, gluh jež i čvrst konjić dođoše bez moljca. A nice jeep, a deaf hedgehog and a tough horse came without a moth. Љубазни фењерџија чађавог лица хоће да ми покаже штос. Ljubazni fenjerdžija čađavog lica hoće da mi pokaže štos. A kind lamplighter with grimy face wants to show me a stunt. Ајшо, лепото и чежњо, за љубав срца мога дођи у Хаџиће на кафу. Ajšo, lepoto i čežnjo, za ljubav srca moga dođi u Hadžiće na kafu. Aicha, (you that are my) beauty and longing, for the love of my heart, come to (the town of) Hadžići for a cup of coffee. Slovak Kŕdeľ ďatľov učí koňa žrať kôru. (contains only all accented letters except š) A flock of woodpeckers teach a horse to feed on bark. Kŕdeľ šťastných ďatľov učí pri ústí Váhu mĺkveho koňa obhrýzať kôru a žrať čerstvé mäso. A flock of happy woodpeckers by the mouth of the river Vah is teaching a silent horse to nibble on bark and feed on fresh meat (This is a modified sentence that not only contains modified letters with diacritics but also those without) Even in the expansion, c is missing, only occurring as part of the digraph ch, which is a s